𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐂𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

JUST HOLD ME

i returned to the cell, sitting on my bed, twisting my hair and letting the water wring out of it, while jahseh was laid in the same position, facing the wall, quiet and still.

i looked away, running my fingers through my hair, and watched as stokeley and kaya got up, and kaya turned towards me.

"we're going out for recreation, do you want to come?" she asked, attempting and struggling to hold back stokeley, who was trying to get out and go.

i nodded, getting up quickly and going out, leaving jahseh all alone.

jahseh

of course i'm attracted to her, i was attracted to her at first sight.

not just because she's pleasing to the eye, as well as well aware of it, though that was a huge bonus.

i mean, when someone's attractive that's one thing, but when they know, they carry themselves with an amount of self regard that just makes them even more attractive and intimidating.

not that i'm intimidated by her, i'm intimidated by no one, and even if i was, i'd never admit that.

she matched my persona, too, so quiet and mysterious, so unreadable. her face always bored and expressionless, the reason i could almost never take my eyes off of her.

i couldn't help but stare, really, because i wanted to read her so badly, and i couldn't. i could never tell what she's feeling, nor what she's thinking, she radiates no energy except a mysterious one.

i hate it.

i hate her.

okay, i don't hate her, but i hate the fact that she's so mysterious and shut off. i'm supposed to be the mysterious, closed off one.

i was hoping my constant stares would make her uncomfortable, but they didn't, they just aggravated her, and unlike anyone else, she snapped at me.

i hate everything, if that isn't obvious by now, and i hate that she doesn't fear me. that she isn't intimidated or concerned.

fuck.

they began to chatter, arguing and shouting. the noise became unbearable, and i covered my ears, just wanting silence, but of course i wasn't granted that.

i held my head, mumbling to myself. "shut up."

"no, i'm speaking the truth, just listen to me." he said, and i shook my head, wishing i could ignore him or tune him out.

"you're acting like you've never seen a girl before, honestly. she's just a girl, i don't know why you're so infatuated with trying to read her. she's a human, not a book."

"leave me alone." i muttered, only to be ignored.

"maybe you should talk to her. stop being a fucking freak for once." i heard the word freak ring in my ears, and immediately could hear her shouting at me.

"ay dios mio, quit staring, freak! dejame en paz."

i held my head, not wanting to hear her voice in it, but the sound of her thick, spanish accent rang in my ears, over and over, louder and louder each time. it was as if she was in here, with me, standing in front of me, shouting at me.

i sat up, looking around the cell, then went by the cell gates, holding onto the cold bars, and slammed my head into the steel bars once, then twice, then over and over.

i swear, this place drives you crazy.

but i'm tired of hearing the voices in my head, controlling my actions, forcing me into behaviors. i was never alone in my head, i could never find peace.