𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐂𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

COMPAZINE

i have so many drafts
i love this book lmfao 😭

i groaned as i sat over the toilet, vomit mixed with saliva dripping from my lips, while jahseh sat beside me, holding my hair up out of my face.

i sat up, sighing as i leaned my back against the wall and looking down at the ground, and then looking up to see everyone in the bathroom, staring at me.

"por que me miran?" (why are you all staring at me) i asked, furrowing my eyebrows, which only earned an eyebrow furrow back from kaya and stokeley, who didn't understand anything i said.

i sighed, before repeating. "i said, why're you guys staring at me?"

kaya glanced at jahseh, and then at me, and then at the toilet, but didn't speak, which made me scrunch up my face, trying to figure out what exactly
she meant, before stokeley spoke out.

"y'all been fucking nonstop for the past month and now you throwing up.. don't you think you might be pregnant?" he asked, leaning against the doorway. 

i rolled my eyes, shaking my head before slowly picking myself up from the floor. "no, i don't think so," i said, flushing the toilet filled with vomit and leaning against the counter.

"it's food poisoning." i assumed, watching the counter blur beneath me, dizzily.

i heard a huff from beside me, and i glanced over to see kaya walking out of the bathroom, arms crossed, and had i not been so dizzy and weak from throwing up everything in my system, i would've went after her.

i stood myself up, shaking my head to get the dizzy, sick feeling off of me, and grabbed my toothbrush, before looking at jahseh and stokeley, who were still staring at me.

"vete." i snapped, rolling my eyes at them before starting to brush my teeth, and jahseh only sighed before walking out with stokeley and shutting the door behind him.

once i finished brushing my teeth, i looked up at myself in the mirror, seeing my hair all messy and tangled, and my pale face, and sighing.

i looked at the dark, purple eye bags under my eyes, and watched myself begin to change before my own eyes in the mirror, my hair darkening from its dark red to a black, and my entire face changing.

"fuck, not this again." i muttered, watching the girl in the mirror return, her scarred wrists and pale, sad face looking at me in desperation.

i looked down at myself, seeing my red hair, tanned skin and colored clothing, before looking back up at the mirror and seeing the near opposite, making me tilt my head, only for her to do the same.

"who are you?" i asked, and then sighed in frustration to see her face mock mine as i spoke, making me sigh, before pulling open the window and looking into the medicine cabinet behind me.

i looked at the full rows of pill bottles, grabbing the first one i saw and looking over at it.

compazine.

i looked over at it, opening the pill bottle and looking inside at the small pills, before shaking my head and closing the bottle, putting it back, and shutting the medicine cabinet, facing myself with the mirror again. 

i jumped back, seeing the girl in the mirror staring back at me, blood leaking from her eyes, ears, mouth and nose, and i furrowed my eyebrows, looking away from her, because the sight in front of me was horrifying.

i looked back at her, to see her back to normal, but still looking drained, sad and broken, and i sighed, trying to figure out what i was seeing and who she was.

i heard a soft chuckle behind me, making me groan, before i could see the shadowy finger begin to wrap around my body, and creep in from the corners of my eyes.

"well hello, my beauty." he said into my ear, which sent an uncomfortable chill up my spine, making me close my eyes.

i felt his light, shadow like touch lift my arm and then speak. "when are you gonna stop hurting yourself like this?"

i squeezed my eyes shut, hearing the voices in my head plead in panic and confusion, before thinking back to the last time, and remembering that my singing was what got him to go away.

i took an inhale, though it was hard to breathe, and i opened my eyes, seeing my vision around me begin to spot away and darken and i randomly started to sing, diverting my thoughts to jahseh only.

"i, oh i, am falling for you, falling for you.. i, oh i, am falling for you, falling for you.."

as i paused from the singing, opening my eyes and taking a deep breath, my lungs filled as usual and the figure was gone, causing me to relax in comfort and look back at the mirror, to see the girl gone and my reflection back as normal.

i sighed, leaning on the counter and shaking my head gently, gently muttering to myself. "odio esto. odio mi vida, odio aqui." (i hate this, i hate my life, i hate it here)

i felt tears falling from my eyes, which made me groan in discomfort because i never cry, ever, and i sniffled, rubbing my face and groaning once again, hearing the voices in my head start to argue and drive me crazy, which made me even more upset.

i felt arms wrap around me gently, and pull me into their embrace, and i recognized jahseh's comfortable hold, while i dug my head into his chest and let myself sob, for a reason that i myself wasn't even sure of, letting myself get weak in his chest.

and yet, he didn't ask questions or move, just held onto me tightly and comfortably, whispering softly into my ear while he held onto me.

"it's okay, i'm here."

~