𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐂𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

I'LL HAVE YOU SOON

it's fucking pouring as i'm
writing this and it makes
me happy, because i LOVE
rain.

i shook my head, shutting my eyes and letting out a heavy exhale, repeating to myself over and over again that this, and he, wasn't real, and that i was okay, and safe.

i opened my eyes, before looking up to see i was alone, just as i'd convinced myself a million times, and i let out a sigh of relief before sitting up on the bed and listening to all the noise in the house, in a daze.

it almost felt like i wasn't.. myself.

like i was trapped in my body, but someone else, watching from the outside in, and trying to escape this trap, this hell, but unsuccessful in every attempt.

i had too many stressors, and at that, too many questions that would unfortunately remain unasked, because asking them would either leave them unanswered or just breed yet another stressor.

i looked down at my tummy, xiorra being still and calm for once, and i let out an exhale, though i couldn't shake the feeling of being trapped in my body, watching the world from the outside in, as if i wasn't even myself, but rather someone watching me intently.

entirely detached.

of course, i can't even be detached from normalcy and my own body in peace, because i heard a chuckle from beside me, though i didn't bother to turn my head and look, or even make much of a reaction.

this time, though, i spoke.

something i hadn't ever done entirely, especially not in this state of affairs or in this course of action, but there's a first for everything, isn't there?

"how much longer do i have?"

my voice was almost a whisper, and though i feared not and had no means to be nervous, my voice trembled fearfully or anxiously, which made me furrow my eyebrows at my own self, but force myself to relax.

"it'd be quite the cheat if i told you, wouldn't it?" he responded, his raspy and horrific voice sending a chill up my spine and making the hairs on my neck stand.

i felt goosebumps rise on my skin, and i continued to stare off into nothingness, while speaking again. "at least tell me where it ends."

i could feel his shadowy, cold figure wrapping around me effortlessly, and he chuckled. "soon. i've been sparing you for some time now, actually. it may be out of my character, but i'm being nice."

from the corners of my eyes i could see the dark, shadowy figure of his surrounding me, though i wasted no energy or made any attempts to look at him, fearful of the idea that looking at him would be a curse, damning me to hell.

if i'm not already.

"de donde eres tu?" (where do you come from/where are you from)

"your mind, of course. where else would i come from?" he asked, as if it was a stupid question for me to ask, and in all honesty, it may have been, but the reassurance that he wasn't real was all i needed.

perhaps talking with this demon of my dark mind wasn't the healthiest, nor the best of a decision, but figuring him out seemed to bring me peace, and figuring out what he was here for and why he was haunting me was better than nothing.

i took a deep breath before pressing on. "que eres?" (what are you?) i asked, blinking slowly. "y que quieres de mi?" (what do you want from me?"

he shook his head, or at least that's what i'd like to assume the movement that the corner of my eye caught, and he continued to wrap around me.

"i'm nothing more than the product of your darkness. you made me," he hummed, as if this were causal talk, calmly and happily.

"you know what i want from you, i've never gone without reminding you, have i?"

i shook my head, before shutting my eyes, with hopes that i'd open my eyes to find myself alone once more, and free of this demon, because after all, he'd admit himself he was nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

"vete. no eres bienvenido aqui nunca mas." (go away, you're not welcome here anymore.) i demanded, keeping my eyes shut tight.

he spoke his final words, though they became distorted and gradually softened, as if i was listening to him disappear just as i'd commanded. "no worries, i'll have you soon."

i opened my eyes after a moment of silence, finding myself alone, and i let out a breath i hadn't known i was holding in, before crossing my hands together and taking a deep breath, equally mixed with horror and relief.

if i was so able to rid him, how do i let him continue to haunt me? a figment of my imagination, nothing more than a hallucination paired with a voice of my head, having the power to strike any emotion in me?

i shook my head, before being greeted by the familiar wriggling of xiorra in my belly, and i let out a hum, both of relief, calmness and one that seemed to simply be releasing the negativity from around me.

she kicked gently, and i looked down at her, finding it hard to think and genuinely believe that in about two months, she'd be here, and i would be a mother, and jahseh a father.

i bit my inner lip and she continued to wriggle, and then placed a hand on my stomach and spoke, and just as always the sound of voice and perhaps even my touch calmed her and made her go still, which brought a smile to my face.

"everything's gonna be okay."

~