𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐂𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

PUPPETEERED

"so if he's your ex, why y'all acting like you don't know each other?" he spoke, rubbing over the leafless tree on my wrist, while i sat in silence.

i shrugged my shoulders, then turned it away from him and pulled my arm away, discomfort tearing at me for reasons unknown, and i watched as he sighed and shook his head, before looking at me.

"you gone finish the story or what?" he asked, the tone in his voice much colder and angrier than his usual, which made me keep my gaze away from him.

i fiddled with my fingers, my attention directed to them, though i felt his eyes boring holes into my head. "tranqui." (calm down) i responded dryly, still not looking up at him.

"he left me. that's it. that's the story. walked away from me and never came back."

there was silence, and i could tell jahseh was dressed in both discomfort and many questions, though he sleeved them all and instead just shook his head and stood up from the bed, before walking out wordlessly.

i sat there, silently, and didn't move or react as he walked out of the room and shut the door behind him, and even after, just continued to sit in that same position, my eyes still on the empty ice cream tub on my lap.

it may have been hours that i sat there, still, and i heard the noise throughout the house cease, when i got up from the bed, groaning at the heavy weight in my body that i hadn't adjusted to being on my body so quickly.

i walked out of the room, holding the empty ice cream tub, and making my way into the kitchen, though as soon as i stood up the constant headache in my head throbbed intensely, yet i dismissed it and walked into the kitchen, where jahseh sat at the island, head down.

i watched him quietly for a moment, before throwing the ice cream tub in the trash can and immediately returning back to the room, standing in the middle of it before letting out an exhale and sitting down on the floor in front of the mirror.

i said nothing, and only stared at myself, listening to my one, single voice, in my mind, shout insults and degrade myself, while my reflection only helplessly stared back.

eventually, my vision blurred, and i wasn't even looking at or paying attention to myself anymore, but rather just listening to my head remind myself how much i'm hated even inside my own body, and unwelcome.

i let out a sigh, putting my head down and watching my silky hair slip beside me and cover my face, like a thick black curtain, hiding me from others and my own reflection.

if i can't even be good enough to please people and keep things lull between others, what would ever make me think that i'd be a good enough mother? that i'd ever be good enough for a helpless baby to look up to and love endlessly?

i wasn't. never would be.

maybe if i wasn't so sick, so deranged and psychotic, maybe any and everything would be different. i mean, i would've never gone to jail, i would've never lost my family, the people that were all i had.

i would've never met jahseh.

maybe everything would've been better. maybe this, not him but myself in contact with him, was nothing but a curse.

another roller coaster set up to crash and eject me to my internal death, leaving me broken and bleeding out, my bones fractured and my organs bleeding, dying internally while my outer body walked around as if it was okay.

being puppeteered by the devil.

or maybe just the devil as i see him in my mind, the demon inside of my head that creeps up on me, reminding me that my time is soon and he will have me soon enough, that what he craves will soon be his.

perhaps even with the assistance of every unnamed voice and being that lived in my head and haunted me, with every word and taunt, every day of tireless harassment making me controvert my general sanity.

why am i so sick?

why is everything so much more difficult for me than anyone else?

i was pulled away from my tormented mind, feeling wet drips on my hands, and looking up at the mirror, pulling my hair out of my face to reveal my flushed, tear filled face, dripping with tears left untouched and unwiped.

it felt as if ever since i'd let the wound i'd left covered and ignored open once more, i couldn't cover it any more, or sew my wound shut.

all the emotions i kept pushed away, locked in a safe and thrown to the back of the dark, huge yet crowded void that i call my mind, were forced out now. there was no more hiding them, no more locking them in the safe.

i was forced to feel, just as everyone else, and forced to enliven all my pain and release it.

my head fell back down, staring down at the growing bump on my stomach, and i squeezed my eyes shut, as tight as i could, while tears streamed out of them, and the pain in my chest grew more and more at my coming realizations.

i had no proper grasp on myself or my emotions, i was too broken and out of reach.

if i couldn't care for myself, if i couldn't be enough for myself, could i ever be enough for this baby? could i ever properly care for this child?

i'm cursed. haunted, at that.

and i'll never be enough.

~

i did not like this chapter one bit.