𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐂𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

RED

dark chapter.
slight trigger warning.

i sat up on my bed, chest heaving and tears staining my face, and i wiped my face lazily, my thin, weak arms barely strong enough to do that simple task.

i looked down at the phone on my bed beside me, pressing the home button and glancing over it at, seeing the time read 2:03 am.

i stood up, my body swaying and legs threatening to give out beneath me, being that i hadn't eaten in two days, nor had i slept.

i stumbled into the bathroom, leaning on the counter to hold myself up, and turned on the light, feeling my eyes tear up once more and tears begin to slide down my face.

fuck.

i'm fucking tired of crying. i'm tired of feeling like this.

i stood up, looking at my pale, thin body, with the dark, purple bags beneath my eyes and my eyes red and puffy, along with my hair, which went down my back, all knotted and messy.

i almost couldn't recognize myself.

the once always-put-together girl i knew wasn't there. the thick thighs and strong arms i knew didn't exist anymore, and instead were replaced with skinny, lazy limbs.

my well brushed, silky hair was now a knotted, matted mess that hadn't been touched in days, or maybe even weeks. i wasn't sure.

i looked at the corner of the mirror, which was cracked and shattered, from some fight that'd probably occurred in the bathroom recently, and i picked off a large glass shard from it and observed it deeply.

i knew if i put this glass to my skin, i wouldn't just cut myself for the pain. i wouldn't just do it for the release. i wouldn't cut across.

i'd do it to kill.

to end up six feet under, truly released from my pain.

i continued to state down at it, rotating it and flipping it over in my hands, thinking of all the things that i could do to myself with it, and all the ways that i could end my life with it.

i considered stabbing my self, rather than cutting, and i thought about where i could stab that would kill me the quickest.

maybe in the neck, though how easy is it to voluntarily stab yourself? regardless of how depressed you are, i question if bodily reflexes would allow someone to sanely do that.

i placed the glass down, looking up at myself in the mirror before shaking my head. i picked it back up, opening the bathroom door and walking out, back to my room.

i placed the glass shard on my dresser, and whispered to it as if it was alive and could hear, or understand, my words.

"later."

i lazily, limply moved my body out of the room, and down the stairs, clutching onto the railing of the stairs, in fear that my legs or body would give out and send me flying down the stairs.

though that didn't sound too bad.

i stopped in the kitchen, sighing as i pulled open the fridge and gazed into it, before settling on a cup of yogurt, though i despised yogurt, and grabbing a spoon from the drawer.

i sat up on the counter, slowly and peacefully putting the spoon to my mouth and taking my time to eat the yogurt, it being the first thing i'd eaten in days, and my body seemed to thank be graciously for it.

i sighed, finishing it and throwing out the plastic cup, before placing the spoon in the sink and sliding open the back door quietly, stepping outside, being faced with the warm, humid night air.

i felt some warm, wet wind blow against me, and i sighed, inhaling the florida warmth, before sliding the door shut behind me and looking ahead at the pool, which had been covered earlier in the night.

i approached it slowly, a small smile on my face as i pulled the cover off of it and glanced down at the water, which looked dark and black under the night sky, and sat on the edge of the pool.

being that i only wore a pair of pajama shorts and a tank top, i was able to put my feet and legs in the water, which was colder than i'd expected, though i didn't mind.

i continued to look down into the water, seeing the full moons reflection in the water, as it gently rippled from the movement inflicted by my legs being placed in it, and i watched as the water seemed to change colors under my sleep deprived, sick eyes.

i watched as it began to lighten, and tint with color, while i stayed calm and swiftly swayed my legs in the water, watching the color change.

red.

this was the sign.

i took a soft exhale, before sliding my entire body into the water, despite the fact that i was fully clothed, and despite the fact that the water was cold.

i felt the water envelope around me, and my body sink to the bottom of the pool, and i allowed my body to sink, calmly wrapping my arms around my torso and sitting myself down at the bottom of the pool, where my back leaned against the wall of the pool.

i sat for a moment, and began feeling my lungs plead for air, and for me to get up, though i fought it, staying still and accepting defeat, thinking my last thoughts.

i hadn't written any goodbye letter, nor done anything in any way i wanted to.

i watched the water around me begin to turn red, which made me exhale the water i held in my mouth, watching the bubbles escape from my mouth and float up, before i shut my eyes.

and all that was, was the sound of the water rippling past my ears, and my body weakening with a lack of oxygen.

~