𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐂𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

LIKE AN ABYSS

i lifted the flower pot and just stared at the blades, calmly sitting beneath them as if they had no care in the world, no stresses and no worries, as if whether or not i dragged them along my skin, they wouldn't care.

i could only stare, though.

without the voices in my head prompting me, or the shadows lingering in my vision haunting me, i knew better, way better considering i now has a child in me, and i couldn't inflict pain on myself.

not anymore.

i put the flower pot back on top of the blades and let out an exhale, hearing the front door slam and the house go quiet, which informed me that everyone had gone, though it did nothing for me.

still, with complete irrelevance to my mental health, i couldn't settle on the question that lingered in my mind day after day, and now more than ever, and repeated itself remorselessly, ringing in my ears.

where did i go wrong?

what did i do to deserve any of this?

i felt a bit haunted by xiorra wriggling in my stomach, though i held inexplicable love for her, i wondered if she was the problem, or even rather that she'd be born into problems that would haunt her, and turn her evil.

no one is born evil, just as no one is born crazy.

it settles, and formulates, creeping into the mind and beginning to take over and convince, over time, until there's no relief, and no release.

i shuddered at the idea of my baby being born innocently, but into an evil and traumatizing life, and going crazy and dark just like i had, or just like her father had.

as much as i anticipated it positively, the idea of quite literally having a mini-me horrified me, because i didn't want anyone, especially not my child, to carry my mental sicknesses, whether inherited or developed.

i shook my head, looking up at myself in the mirror and gazing over my stressed, pale and tired face, accompanied with dark eye bags and a swellingly fat face from the surplus of weight in my body, and my dark hair sweeping beside me.

i heard a light knock at the bathroom door, which made me glance over at it, though i stayed quiet and didn't move or respond to the noise, which prompted another, louder knock, that i also did not respond to.

i heard the familiar, frustrated huff of a sigh, before the knob twisted and the door opened, while i didn't even look in the direction of the door but rather in the mirror, running fingers through the ends of my hair.

the reflection showed me jahseh's familiar, thin but muscular body and blue hair stand behind me, arms wrapping around my waist and hands landing gently above my stomach, where xiorra had been still, but began to wriggle around as if she knew the hands touching her belonged to him.

there was silence, though this was in a moment where silence, i suppose, was better than any words spoken, so i let it be, instead just staring at myself though the mirror and giving the occasional glance at jahseh's reflection, as well.

he laid his head down on my shoulder, and kept it there, eyes shut and breathing gently, his every exhale blowing gentle wind against the skin on my neck, while i continued to stare in silence, watching my vision distort ahead of me.

jahseh's reflection began to darken, distorting into the horrifyingly familiar silhouette of that damned, cursed demon, with his dark, undetailed body, accompanied by his dark, blank face that couldn't be described as anything other than a black pit.

like an abyss. 

i made no sound or reaction, instead just stared at the distorted body that'd taken the place of jahseh and watched as it stood still for a moment, and then wordlessly and without even moving, began to disappear, fading back to jahseh's familiar self.

just as this happened, jahseh pulled himself up and stared down at me, his eyes boring jokes into my head as i calmly continued to watch him move through his mirrored reflection, almost as if i was waiting for the demon to reappear, though it didn't.

he cupped my face, turning it towards him as he moved from behind me to beside me, and stared down at me, deep into my eyes, as i looked into his and returned the stare, though i tried to keep my gaze unreadable, and hidden.

his, though, read a mix of emotions i couldn't understand or read, as if he couldn't settle on what emotions he felt looking at me, or rather which emotion to choose to feel, while looking at me.

i looked away from him, glancing down at the sink of the bathroom, before shaking my head slightly and pulling back from him, which broke his grasp from my face, that was gently cupped and held.

"tienes tres meses to get it together, cause i don't want her to be born into this." (you have three months)

though i wasn't looking at him, i could feel him looking down at me intently, and i saw his body shift and then his head begin to move as he nodded his head at my words and then pulled my hand into his, looking down at it.

"i'm doing it now. promise."

~
i hated this but i'm having struggles in terms of my mental health so bare with me.