Jamilton Oneshots :)

That distant shore [Jamilton]

A song oneshot,major spoilers for steven universe,again.
Content warning-a whole lotta angst and self-harm+mentions of mental breakdowns and almost suicide(attempt)

[third person pov]
It all became so lovely
Those bluest skies above me
Those funny feelings I had never felt before I met you
I thought I'd stay a while
I tried to learn to smile
So many colors I had never even known

Alexander Hamilton was distraught. He had seen Thomas Jefferson again,and they became lovers. But while Thomas would always assure Alexander that he would never leave him nor hurt him,but with all the trauma Alex had from when he was young,coupled with how Thomas treated him in high school,and although he was very much adored by the latter,there was always that queasy fear that he would hurt him again and that crippling feeling of worthlessness and being never good enough for Thomas. He knew that these feelings and thoughts were subconscious and untrue,but they weren't as easy to avoid like think happy thoughts or feelings are just what they were. It almost felt like he was going crazy in his own head. Thomas loved him as he was,and while he kept assuring his thoughts,there was always that small voice of hatred that said otherwise.

He had met Thomas Jefferson again when they crossed paths in an alleyway,Eliza had passed away due to breast cancer recently and he couldn't afford the rent of their house so he laid in the alleyway,cold,alone,and snow up to his thighs. He was aware this wasn't the best way to live,but what else could he do? It was even more embarrassing being on the brink of passing out and having his high school/college enemy,who also coincidentally was his crush,carry him bridal style into a car. He wouldn't know Thomas' intentions until later. The sweet temptations of sleep lulled him into the darkness.

He next woke up surrounded by a mountain of fluff,and getting out of it proved an almost impossible feat. He noticed the magenta carpets and sighed. He was wearing a white bathrobe and decided to walk out that way too,he couldn't find his clothes. Searching around the house for the tall Virginian was futile as he saw a post-it on what he assumed was the dining table. It told him he wouldn't be back from work until evening,and he could help himself to whatever is in the pantry.

that evening ended with confessions of love and cuddles in bed.(of course thomas was the big spoon)

That year was great,he'd never felt this way since Eliza.[let's give them some privacy but ps they did do the deed ;)]

However,he had never told the Virginian that he had problems. Depression,PTSD,Anxiety were just some of his problems. (Hi,mini a/n here. Whatever I say about all these mental disorders may be diminished/exaggerated. I am in no way a professional about this.If you feel like you can't cope with your problems,please seek professional help. you're not alone here,nor are your problems/feelings insignificant or not important. Mental health is important.)

Then I see the colors fading
Gentleness of light escaping
Shadows of my fear invading
Have I seen this all before?
I know that there's something residing
A terror deep inside me
I coudn't understand how you could be so bold

He struggled to keep up a facade for his boyfriend so he wouldn't have to mourn when he would succumb to the thoughts and actually do it.

That day came,when Thomas was at work,and he had enough of those toxic thoughts,those worthlessness feelings,and in the first time in a while he was actually relieved. His thoughts fluttered over to Thomas'. Alexander felt as if he was always leeching off Thomas. He didn't want to bother him anymore.

Picking up the pill bottle, he downed the entire bottle in a go. The last thing he would feel is his body collapsing and his lover opening the door to the toilet,panicking,and enveloping him in a tight embrace while calling 911. His consciousness was sucked into the void of nothingness once more.

He felt sand between his legs. Was he in Nevis? Sitting up confirmed his suspicions. However,this Nevis was empty. Completely devoid of structures or humans,for that matter. He decided to just sit on the sand,staring at that distant shore.

Maybe I'll find myself sitting on that distant shore

Laying down on the sand,everything faded into black,but there was a bright light ahead of him. He walked onward into the bright light,without hesitation.

...then he woke up.

Thomas was sitting on a chair near his bedside,the dumb monitor was annoyingly beeping,and Alexander could see old and new faint tear trails across his lover's cheeks as he slept peacefully. The monitor emitted a loud beep,as Thomas jerked up only to see the sight he had wanted to see for a month,Alexander sitting up. He wrapped his arms around him,like he never wanted to leave him again.

The road to recovery and therapy would be long,but at least Thomas had his Lexi back. That would be enough.

I'm tired as fuck,it's 5 am, I have not slept at all,and I have an online meeting at 3pm today I'm so dead hehe.
this story ends the same way as another 1000 word story I wrote once
(934 words)