Jamilton Oneshots :)

alexander does not dream of thomas [Jamilton]

ayo more death amazing

he wakes up with a start. of course today was going to start in cold sweat. it is, after all, april 29th. thomas' death. he was never going to get past this day, was he? every year, the pain only increases tenfold, and he can't escape that void.

he doesn't want to be alone, but what can he do? nothing can beat the absolute quality nectar thomas feeds him when they're together. every other lover feels like a bootleg quality of artificial sweetness, one that pales in comparison to what thomas does to him. he's been spoilt for everyone else, and he doesn't mind it, which scares him.

it almost seems as if the world is giving him a big "fuck you" when he heard the news two years ago about the fire that destroyed their old apartment.
while he was out of state visiting some of his old friends from college (/having a torrid affair with eliza— I'm joking)it was a devastating fire, one that left it difficult to restart again, especially without a certain someone who's been forcefully removed from his life. 

but past events have been devastating enough. reminiscing about something that morbid will leave him drained of all willpower, he's learned that much from experience. he can't back down from today. and today, it is a rainy day, but he'll still fufill the whispered promise he made at the casket of what was left of thomas. he'll visit, like he did last year. it's the least he could do, right? alexander reluctantly wears his raincoat, some waterproof boots and an umbrella, because today was nothing short of a downpour and he'd rather not risk getting wet. (PROTECTION IS IMPORTANT KEEDS)

a short drive later, and he arrives at the cemetery. it is as he'd expect, gloomy and forboding, the bodies of souls long past gone. it's a relief he can spot thomas' tomb from afar, he doesn't have to linger in a place between this lifetime and the next.  his fire-engine red rainproof boots can survive the squelching that comes with walking across a muddy path.

thomas' headstone, is by far, a far cry from others around him. for starters, there are bright yellow sunflower painted across the headstone, almost like a frame of sorts. even through the rain, it is still as bright as he remembers. of course. sunflowers, Thomas' favourite flower.

he cannot say that there isn't some sort of resentment towards thomas. he's always been the sunflower of everyone, the one who everyone went to with their problems, the popular, gentle kid who everyone respected. he clutches the headstone tighter, and he sinks to the floor, shaking. at this point the umbrella is discarded, and he's a sobbing mess. he can't tell if it's rainwater, or tears flowing down his cheeks, but they all have the same numbing feeling as the realisation hits him, again, that Thomas is gone, and he's never coming back.

in a shaky voice,thick and off, another sign he's been crying, he speaks to the headstone, like thomas was still there. he's heard of people doing this, and yet, he can find how therapeutic it is.

"why did you have to leave me? I know it wasn't on the best of terms, and it's not like you caused yourself to die, but still...", he trails off, forlorn. a laugh escapes him, albeit with absolutely no mirth at all. it's laced with bitterness, and the awareness of the situation he's in.

- 1 year time skip -

he knows better now. someday, people ought to forgive. and he knows thomas did nothing wrong, but at the very base of his grief, he misses him more than ever. death took him too early. he visited thomas' grave again. this time, it isn't raining, and he walks in the sunlight of the of the cemetery. it's flooded in light today, and there are some stray cats lying in the patches. he kneels  down at thomas' grave.

"How have you been? I hope you can hear this, you know. I miss you more than ever. Mulligan says it's a normal reaction, that eccentric chap, but sometimes, I accidentally call you in my excitement to tell you something. Your voicemail is full. you shouldn't keep your callers waiting, you know?" he admonishes, jokingly.

"I miss you so much. sometimes it feels like I shouldn't be in this world without you. life has been better, I've got a job, and ruffles is doing well, but why should I bother living when you're not with me every step of the way? I resented you for a bit, after all that stuff initially happened, but I think I'm ready to forgive you. I know it probably doesn't matter since you're already gone, but," he trails off, his attention caught by something written on another tombstone.

"after all, no one really is ever gone. their bodies may have disintegrated, but the memory lives on, and that's all that matters, isn't it?"

- agatha

he smiles, coming to the realisation. he turns around.
"I'm going to make mistakes, and I hope you see it. — or, I guess you already see it. you're still not gone, aren't you? I love you, too. I've never stopped loving you and I never will stop."

as if confirming a benediction, a sunflower floats through the air in an almost impossible feat, and settles in his hair. it's a vibrant one, and he can feel a gentle presence nearby.

he walks across the street, back to his— their apartment, and people might stare at the sunflower tucked perfectly under his chocolate locks, but he doesn't care, because thomas is with him, and that's all that matters.

—-
i had initially thought this was going to be a 500 word fic but i guessed wrongly. this may or may not have been a coping mechanism. anyways, bye lovelies it's fuckin 4am at the time of writing im tired but not really idfk but byesies! (ew)

[1005 words]