Jamilton Oneshots :)

soothing the kisses with burns [Jamilton]

hihi uh alexander fucking sucks here and he's taller than thomas because i want to write soft thomas because yes. they're fwb,btw.

tw// angst,there's literally nothing happy here and a lot of emotional maturity and it talks about less savoury themes. be warned that this is by no means a light oneshot.

thomas stood at the balcony,his hair a far cry from its usual neat curls. he faced away from alexander,who stood at the doorway at a state of appearance and mind not dissimilar to thomas.

"you don't get it,do you?"
"only he touched your heart,did he. you only had eyes for him. john. I couldn't even make you take me home after I saved you,but you would've gone to the ends of the earth for him," thomas slurred,evidently a hitch in his voice a sign that he was about to cry. 

" i just don't understand why you hate me so much. why were you so mean to me from literally day one, when i've never done anything to you? i've always been your obedient dog. i've never bitten your hand or turned upon you. Tell me what I did wrong. I'll apologise. I'll grovel, I'll beg. Will that make you love me?"

alexander stands in the doorway,hesitant. he knew thomas had drunk too much again, but his worries were not unfounded.

"every day you're a dick to me for no reason, and I hate that like the stupid idiot I am, I let you trick me again and again and again. I can't believe I let myself come back to you again, and again, and again. like a stupid, lost dog begging for his master to take him back." At this, thomas' voice breaks,and an ugly sob let out,with hints of pure despair and self hatred.

"I might call you a fool for hurting yourself with trying so hard the rest of congress hates you,but I'm just as much a fool for letting you hurt me over and over." at some point he's begun to cry in earnest, because his face is glistening with tears when he turns toward alexander again, clutching at the front of his shirt like a child seeking comfort. "I know I'll never hold a candle to him, but I don't care. This is better than nothing, even if it's just play-pretend." He climbs into Alexander's lap, reaching up to pull his face down for a kiss. alexander lets him, but it feels wrong, when thomas just said things like that. After just a moment he pushes thomas away gently, hands unyielding despite thomas' insistence. he takes this rejection to heart, it appears, and the tears well up even faster than before as he shakes his head and reaches out for alexander again.

"Don't cry," whispers alexander, a plea, holding thomas at bay. "I'm not worth your tears." He wipes thomas' eyes with the pads of his thumbs, trying futilely to staunch a waterfall.

"You won't even let me cry for you," laughs thomas in self-mockery.

he buries his head into the crook of alexander's neck, and alexander can feel wetness trickling down his collarbone.

"Only fools fall for you," said thomas, strangely quiet now. "And I'm a fool for you."

"I've tried to hold it all back, but I couldn't. Love demands to be told."

"Where do I come in the line? After John? Before James? Next to Eliza? I thought long and hard about this, you know. But in the end, I realised: it doesn't matter. You don't have to force yourself to rearrange our places in your heart. I know my place, and I'm fine being in last. I'm fine with your hate if I can laugh with you, talk about nothing with you, touch you like this, kiss you. Even if it means nothing. I just want a place in your life. If I can't be your workmate anymore, then at least give me this."

"Your fears, your anger, your memories, your sorrows, these beautiful things you guard so well — give them to me, and I'll guard them for you. Let them trickle out of your tightly-sealed mouth, little by little, and I'll collect them all in my cupped palms."

"I'll stuff them into my heart, bit by bit, and I'll carry half of the burden for you. That's all I want. That's enough for me. I am not a greedy man, alexander."

thomas looks up at alexander, his eyes glimmering wet with tears.

"Will you not even promise me this?" He croaks, searching alexander's eyes for even a hint of affirmation.

alexander hates this. hates himself for not being able to answer such a confession. he could only let thomas tug out of the twisted embrace and go back to his apartment with him calling up adams.

he writes in his journal, like he always does when he's conflicted.

three months later(I'm showing relevant entries)

(this is the journal entry before the hard hitting one i just wrote more mutual pining for fun and i love to make him hurt)

I remember vaguely umber curls,chestnut-coloured eyes, his ticklish breath. Unconsciously at work when the reports get too tedious I end up drawing him in my mind's eye. He only shows weakness to me with his soft lips, the same lips with which he talks so big... But I know he's only a paper gangster. He's laughably easy to see through and he lacks real follow-through with his threats, which is why I never understood why the shorty is still managing to survive in the congress floors when anyone with eyes could see his heart is all out for the taking. Sometimes I find myself worrying about him, and then I remind myself I'm not supposed to.

his writing begins again three pages later.

"Our meetings are a dangerous thing. I know we should not partake in such a risky activity, when tensions run high between our respective political affiliations, but either way I want him too much to care, which is uncharacteristic of myself. I am falling, and falling hard-

The words break off abruptly, before they continue a good three pages later.

You offered me the chalice of your love, thomas. Forgive me if I cannot accept it, no matter how much I want it. You should never have filled it for me. I will carry my secrets, to a world that belongs to only us, a world nobody can touch.

My secret, wrote alexander, is a secret I must never tell anyone. But every day it bubbles up and coils round my throat like a viper, strangling me with the strength of its emotion. You said before that only john had touched my heart, thomas. That's not true. As long as you walk this earth, my heart will only be branded with your name. I am glad for my clothes, because my skin crawls every day with the memories of your touch, and I am going mad.

If we ever get reborn as lovers in another life, thomas, I want it to be a life where I am a better man, who deserves to shout my love out on the rooftops to the world. Wait for me, thomas. Promise me you will wait for me there, in a world where I am less broken and less flawed, and more worthy of your heart.

the writings stop there. a teardrop falls onto the page,and a shaky hand grabs the pen next to the notebook.

"I promise."

okay that was an emotional rollercoaster :) pain isn't it? on a happier note,my exams are over and i mostly got A's for my subjects :3
[1295 words]