EXT. BLUE BASE - DAY
TUCKER and CABOOSE are standing in front of the blue base. CHURCH'S ghostly form flickers beside them.
TUCKER: (Stares at Church, bewildered) Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose, and beat the hell out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend? The one you were gonna marry?
CHURCH: (Sighs, his ghostly form nodding slowly) In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary, Tucker. Concise, yet captures the full absurdity of my life.
CABOOSE: (Head tilted, a mournful tone) I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls, never, like me. They always run away.
TUCKER: (Pats Caboose's helmet with a gloved hand) Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you. It's not just girls.
CABOOSE: (A small sniffle) I like me...
TUCKER: (Shakes his helmet, still processing) I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark? Because that would explain a lot of the aggression.
CHURCH: (His ghostly form rolls its eyes) I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy, Tucker. We dated. And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark. She didn't have gills, last I checked.
CABOOSE: (A sudden realization, eyes wide) Way, oh, wait, oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex? That's a boy's name!
CHURCH: (Groans) Uh... because she's from Texas, Caboose. It's a nickname. Like how you're named Caboose because you're at the back of the train of thought.
CABOOSE: (Beaming) Oh! That makes sense!
CHURCH: (Sighs) Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with. She's got... issues.
TUCKER: (Throws his hands up to the sky) Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me! Thanks for nothing, God! You're really dropping the ball lately!
CHURCH: (His ghostly form flickers with irritation) Will you shut up with that?! She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where, they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell. Like a super-soldier, but with extra anger.
CABOOSE: (Eyes wide) A.I... What's the A stand for? Is it like, 'Awesome'?
CHURCH: (Pinching his spectral nose) Artificial.
CABOOSE: (Nods slowly) ...What's the I-
CHURCH: (Exasperated) Intelligence.
CABOOSE: (A long, drawn-out "Oooohhhhhh," then) Ooohhhhhhhhh... What was the A again?
CHURCH: (Points a transparent finger at Caboose) Let's move on. Before I lose my mind. Again.
TUCKER: (Rubbing his chin through his helmet) So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl? Who bakes cookies and sings lullabies?
CHURCH: (A harsh, bitter laugh, his ghostly form shaking) Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch, Tucker. It's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements and an anger management problem. She was a nightmare before the AI, trust me.
TUCKER: (Whistles lowly) Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there, buddy, she's a keeper. You really know how to pick 'em.
CHURCH: (Ignores Tucker, turning to Caboose) So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever? Or are you just staring blankly?
CABOOSE: (Nods vigorously) I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.
CHURCH: (A long, suffering sigh, then a defeated slump of his ghostly shoulders) Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot. That's my life now. Thanks, Caboose.
INT. RED BASE - DAY
GRIF and SIMMONS are holding TEX at gunpoint. GHOST is just looking at Tex from behind them, a silent, unreadable presence. Sarge and Lopez are also present, observing.
GRIF: (A nervous chuckle, trying to sound tough) So, you're a girl, huh? Didn't see that coming. Is that why you hit so hard?
TEX: (Her voice still raspy, but with a dangerous edge) ...
SIMMONS: (To Grif, exasperated) Just ignore him, Tex, that's what I do. He's not worth your time.
GRIF: (Puffs out his chest, trying to be intimidating) Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya, black armor? What's a girl gonna do without her big guns?
TEX: (A low, menacing growl) Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you. I've got plenty of ways.
GRIF: (Scoffs, takes a step closer) Yeah, right. What're you gonna do, punch me? I've been punched by bigger.
Tex leans in at Grif with surprising speed, her helmet just inches from his, then leans back just as quickly. Grif flinches violently and steps back, stumbling.
GRIF: (Yelps, covering his helmet) Aaah, not the face! My beautiful, unscarred face!
Tex ignores Grif's dramatics, her visor remaining fixed on Ghost, a silent challenge or question in her posture.
GHOST: (Voice flat, a hint of disdain for Grif) Why do you have to be a pussy, Grif? It's just a girl.
EXT. BLUE BASE - DAY
Back on the blue base. Church's ghostly form is still flickering.
CHURCH: (A sudden burst of energy, snapping his fingers) Well, don't worry, because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex. It's foolproof! Mostly.
TUCKER: (Groans, slumping) A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy, or... a mission statement? Or maybe a strongly worded letter?
CHURCH: (Ignoring him) I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex. It'll be quick, clean, and totally not dangerous for me.
CABOOSE: (Eyes wide, a nervous laugh) Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like "decoy." Am I going to be a decoy? Because I don't like being a decoy.
CHURCH: (Patiently, as if explaining to a child) The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many Freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you, is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base. It's brilliant! They'll be so confused!
TUCKER: (Raises his helmet, a look of dawning horror) Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor? We don't exactly have a military surplus store around here.
Church looks pointedly at the teleporter, then Tucker looks at the teleporter, a slow, agonizing realization dawning on him.
TUCKER: (Voice a strangled whisper) ...Oh fuckberries... No. You can't be serious.
YOU ARE READING
Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert)
FanfictionYou were one of the first freelancers and one of the best you could never fill a mission no matter what happens you always succeed no matter who you fight you always come out on top. You've lost a lot of people you care about in your life along with...
