Season 2 Episode 27: Nine-Tenths of the Law

2.6K 55 3
                                        

EXT. RED BASE - DAY

Camera pans down to DONUT and SARGE at the base. Donut is polishing his pink armor.

DONUT: (To Sarge, cheerfully) So, just you and me, hanging at the base today, huh, Sarge? This is new. I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. It works for me. (He whistles a little tune.) So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? You think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pretty low on elbow grease. (He leans in, conspiratorially) ...When you die, can I have your armor? It looks very durable.

SIMMONS: (Running up the ramp, panting, followed by Grif and Ghost) Hey, we're back! And we brought... well, ourselves!

DONUT: (Eyes wide, relieved) Oh man, am I glad to see you guys. Sarge would not stop talkin'. Seriously. He just kept going.

SARGE: (To Simmons, Grif, and Ghost, ignoring Donut) Ghost, Grif, Simmons, were you able to work out a suitable exchange? Did you get Lopez back?

SIMMONS: (Out of breath) Uh, not exactly, sir. You see, when we showed up, the Blues were doing something really weird, and then th-

GRIF: (Interrupting, still panting) Really weird. And they were rude.

GHOST: (Flatly, correcting Grif) They looked like they were sucking each other off. Also, they're being rude to the new rookie.

SIMMONS: (Turns to Grif, annoyed) Hey dumbass, I thought we agreed I was gonna tell the story. You're ruining the suspense.

GRIF: Excuse me, go ahead... (He then adds, quietly) ...wait, why are you only talking to me? Why not Ghost?

SIMMONS: (Whispering back) Ghost would kill me. (He turns back to Sarge) Well, you see, sir, the blue guys were really weird, and not just normal weird, really weird-

GRIF: (Interrupting again) You're not telling it right. You're making it sound boring.

SIMMONS: Okay, fine, how do you remember it, Grif? Since you're the expert storyteller.

GRIF: Well, I remember we agreed that you're a kissass. I get fuzzy on the rest of the details. And then there was a lot of yelling.

SIMMONS: (Sighs) Anyway, they didn't want the prisoner back, sir. They just... refused him.

SARGE: (A look of cunning on his visor) Why, those cunning blue devils. Does their treachery know no bounds? Refusing a prisoner? Unheard of!

GRIF: It wasn't a total loss, sir, I was able to steal his wallet. (He holds up a small, blue wallet.)

SARGE: (A rare moment of genuine approval) Grif, I may just make a respectable soldier out of you yet. That's initiative!

GRIF: (Beaming) Really, sir? Like, a real soldier?

SARGE: Hell no! (He snatches the wallet) Now leave the money on my nightstand, and get back to work! And don't touch my diary!

GHOST: (Flatly, to Grif) Who is the kissass now.

GRIF: (Turns to Ghost, annoyed) Go to hell!

GHOST: (His voice drops, a chilling menace) Do you want me to beat you with your own spine? Because I can arrange that. It's surprisingly flexible.

GRIF: (Scared) Please no!! I take it back! I take it back!

EXT. BLUE BASE - DAY

Cut to the Blues on the blue base. CHURCH is trying to move his legs.

CHURCH: (Frustrated) Alright, Tucker, what the hell are we gonna do, man? I gotta get my legs working here. This is ridiculous.

TUCKER: (Examining Church's wiring) I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there. I think we should call in a professional. Maybe someone who can fix Sheila, too. She's still smoking.

Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert)Stories to obsess over. Discover now