Season 3 Episode 42: You're the Bomb, Yo

2.1K 48 1
                                        

INT. JAIL CELL - DAY

Ticking in the background as it fades in on GRIF and CHURCH in their jail cell.

GRIF: (Pounding on the bars, frantically) Guys, I'm a Red too! I'm a Red! I don't even know this guy! Come on, let me out! This is a mistake! My back is starting to hurt from this concrete bed!

CHURCH: (His optical sensor flickers, a dry tone) Thanks for the support, Grif. Way to be a team player. Really appreciate the solidarity. It's truly inspiring.

GRIF: Hey, I gotta think about myself here. Survival of the fittest, Church. You know, like in the wild. Or in a prison cell.

CHURCH: There's no "I" in team, Grif.

GRIF: Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team, nobody's on the God damn team. The team sucks! It's a failure! A complete and utter failure!

CHURCH: What I can't figure out is why the Reds are still here. Tex already wiped out all the Blues. Why wouldn't they just pull out? Go home? Have a nice cup of tea?

GRIF: As someone who's taken orders from Red Command for the last three years, trust me, it's not that surprising. They're not exactly known for their logical decision-making. Or their promptness. Or their ability to read a map.

INT. GHOST'S JANITOR CLOSET - DAY

Cut to GHOST, SARGE, CABOOSE, and SIMMONS in the janitor closet.

SIMMONS: Okay, we traced the bomb activation signal to Sidewinder. How much time do we have left, Sarge?

DONUT: (Through staticky radio, cheerfully) Everyone here is set to transport! Just waiting for the go-ahead! We're all excited!

TUCKER: (Through staticky radio, whiny) I'm not going through that thing. I'm serious. It looks like a giant toilet that leads to a black hole.

GHOST: (Flatly, into his radio) Don't be a fucking baby, Tucker. It's perfectly safe. Mostly. And it's better than walking.

SARGE: (To Ghost) We need to get there as soon as possible. Did you set their teleporter to take them straight to Sidewinder? No detours? No scenic routes?

GHOST: I walked Donut through it. He says he did everything right, but I figure they have a fifty/fifty chance of ending up in Sidewinder, or in the middle of deep space. Or a taco stand. Or a dimension filled with talking teacups.

SARGE: (A worried frown) What about us?

GHOST: I programmed ours myself. We're fine. Probably. Unless I made a mistake. Which I never do.

SARGE: (Nods, resolute) I find the risks acceptable. For the greater good. And for the capture of Lopez.

DONUT: (Through staticky radio, proudly) I never knew a Phillips screwdriver was the X one. Do you think it's named after a guy named Phillip? That guy Phillip must have a fucked-up-shaped head! And very strong wrists!

TUCKER: (Through staticky radio) Yeah. Screw this, I'm walking. I'll get there eventually. Even if it takes me a year.

GHOST: (Into his radio) You can't, dumbass. It's a long walk... Through Space... And you're still injured. And you'll probably get lost.

SARGE: (To his team, a war cry) Alright, then saddle up! Don't worry, Grif and Church, here comes the cavalry! Hyaaaaa! (He charges through a teleporter.)

Sarge runs through a teleporter, and emerges from another behind Caboose in Battle Creek.

SARGE: (Confused, looking around) Hyaaaaa- oh! This isn't the closet. And where are the Blues?

Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert)Stories to obsess over. Discover now