INT. CABOOSE'S MIND - DAY
CHURCH, TEX, MENTAL TUCKER, and MENTAL CABOOSE are inside Caboose's mind. The landscape is still chaotic and colorful.
MENTAL CABOOSE: (A cheerful, innocent voice) I see. So you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well. The one who talks really loud.
CHURCH: (His ghostly form flickers) The other... wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him? We need to find him.
LIGHT BLUE ARMOR: (A high-pitched, whiny voice, a small, floating piece of light blue armor appears) Of course he's seen him, you idiot! You think Mister Caboose would miss something like that, you skeezy douchebag fuck? He sees everything!
MENTAL CABOOSE: I-
CHURCH: (Turns to the floating armor, confused) Hold on a second. Who the hell are you? And why do you sound like that?
LIGHT BLUE ARMOR: My name is Church, buttwiping assmunch. And I'm awesome!
CHURCH: (To Tex, exasperated) This guy's kind of an asshole. And he sounds like he's been inhaling helium.
TEX: (A dry tone) Yeah, we've met. He's a real charmer.
MENTAL CHURCH: (The floating armor, puffing itself up) And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you limp-licking fuck sock! I'm the original!
CHURCH: (Rubbing his spectral temples) Okay. There's a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn't like. And I'm pretty sure I'm having an aneurysm.
TEX: Just play along, Church. We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley. They know the layout.
MENTAL TUCKER: (A dim-witted grin, running off into the colorful landscape) I'm gonna go look for girls! And tacos!
CHURCH: Fine, (under breath) whatever. At least he's gone.
MENTAL CABOOSE: If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the Reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on. They're very susceptible to bad ideas.
CHURCH: The Reds... the Reds are in here? In Caboose's mind? This is getting more disturbing by the minute.
MENTAL CABOOSE: Of course! And I have three people making sure they don't agree with O'Malley. They're very loyal.
TEX: (Her optical sensor narrows) I think I know who those three are.
CHURCH: Who? Don't tell me it's more of your ex-boyfriends.
TEX: (A dry chuckle) Wow, you are an idiot, Church... Well, even more than I thought you were.
CHURCH: (His ghostly form flares) Fuck you too, bitch!
EXT. RED BASE - DAY
Fade to GRIF and DONUT behind the tipped-over Warthog.
GRIF: (To Donut, exasperated) Well, are you sure you left the part in there? The one we need for Simmons' surgery?
DONUT: (Thinking hard, tapping his helmet) Hmm, think so. Wait... Yes. No. Wait- wait wait- wait... mmmmmmmmngh... I think so. It was next to my smooth jazz CD.
GRIF: (Sighs, rubbing his temples) Alright, let's retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Simmons and Sarge got blown up that you were last in the Warthog, right?
DONUT: Right. I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear. And since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe, really easily, I remember thinking: where can I hang out with no pants on?
GRIF: (Groans, covering his face with his hand) Oh God! Please stop!
EXT. CANYON - DAY
Cut to TUCKER driving SHEILA, the tank. GHOST is sitting on Sheila's turret, and LOPEZ (the actual robot) is running ahead, still smoking slightly.
TUCKER: (To Ghost) Okay, well, looks like we're close enough. Now if I can just find the brakes on this thing... (He starts pushing random buttons.) Ah, must be this button.
SHEILA: (Her calm, synthesized voice) Do not touch that button, Private Tucker. It is the self-destruct mechanism.
TUCKER: (Jumps, startled) Oh, sorry. (He pulls his hand away.) Hmm... Maybe it's this one. (He points to another button.)
SHEILA: Do not touch me, Private Tucker. You are not authorized.
TUCKER: (Annoyed) You know, for a girl your size, you're kinda sensitive. And bossy.
GHOST: (Flatly, to Tucker) Tucker, honestly, just shut the fuck up. You're going to break something important.
TUCKER: (Whining) Why do you hate me, Ghost? Nobdy hates me!
GHOST, SHEILA, VALKYRIE, and OPHELIA: (In unison, their voices overlapping) Everyone hates you!!
EXT. RED BASE - DAY
Cut back to Grif and Donut.
GRIF: (Pleading) I cannot take any more of this. My brain is melting.
DONUT: (Continues, oblivious) So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended, but I don't know- it just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe. It tasted like old cheese.
GRIF: (Eyes wide, a desperate resolve) That's it; I'm committing suicide. (He turns and runs off, screaming.) I can't live like this!
DONUT: (Shouting after him) Hey... I didn't finish retracing my steps yet! You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh! It was quite large!
GRIF: (Turns, sees something, his eyes wide with horror) Oh crap!
Camera zips over to the tank, now fully operational and advancing rapidly, then cuts back to Grif, who runs back behind the jeep, tripping over himself.
DONUT: (Walks up, cheerful) Hey, you're back! So where was I... Oh yeah. I lanced it. Disgusting. Woohohoha. Noohohaha.
GRIF: (Panting, pointing at the tank) Not now, rookie! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steamroll right over us! It's coming for us!
DONUT: What!? (He jumps twice to see over the jeep, sees the tank, his eyes widening in terror) Oh God, it's true! I'm totally freakin' out! I'm freaking out! We're all gonna die!
INT. SHEILA - DAY
Cut to the tank. TUCKER is in the driver's seat, looking panicked.
TUCKER: (Screaming) Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not! Sheila, how the fuck do I slow you down?! We're going too fast!
SHEILA: (Her calm, synthesized voice) Retard the throttle, Private Tucker.
TUCKER: (Confused) What throttle, this throttle? (He points to a random lever.)
SHEILA: Retard the controller.
TUCKER: (Frustrated) You mean this thing? (He shakes the steering wheel.) What are you talking about, I'm so confused!
SHEILA: The controller, retard.
TUCKER: (Annoyed) Hey, that's kind of insulting, Sheila! I'm trying my best here!
SHEILA: Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard.
TUCKER: Oh come on, now you're just being mean! You're a big bully!
SHEILA: Retard. Retard. ... ... ... Retard.
GHOST: (From the turret, flatly) Fucking deadweight.
TUCKER: (Turns to Ghost, incredulous) You're joining in too?! Even you, Ghost?!
VALKYRIE: (In Ghost's helmet, a cold, sharp tone) If I had a real body, I'd cut you, Tucker.
TUCKER: (Eyes wide, trembling) Now I'm just scared. Really, really scared.
OPHELIA: (In Ghost's helmet, a calm, chilling voice) I will rip out every organ in your body from the inside out and then feed your brain to the wolves. Slowly.
TUCKER: (Whimpering) I want my mommy...
YOU ARE READING
Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert)
FanfictionYou were one of the first freelancers and one of the best you could never fill a mission no matter what happens you always succeed no matter who you fight you always come out on top. You've lost a lot of people you care about in your life along with...
