Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert)

Season 3 Episode 53: Let's Come to Order

EXT. BLUE BASE - DAY

Fade in to the Blues (CHURCH, CABOOSE, TUCKER) and GHOST, standing near the rotating blade... thing. TUCKER is holding the glowing alien weapon of mass destruction, swinging it casually. FUTURE CHURCH is watching from afar, hidden behind a rock.

CHURCH: (To Tucker, a hint of exasperation in his voice) You got this thing where? And why are you swinging it around like a glow stick?

TUCKER: (Grinning) Right up there. (He gestures vaguely towards the base.) It was just sitting there, waiting for me.

CABOOSE: (To Church, confused) So... You went back in time, and didn't change... anything. That seems like a lot of effort for no change.

CHURCH: (Sighs) Uh yeah, I was just like a, passive observer. Trying not to mess with the timeline. You know, butterfly effect and all that.

CABOOSE: (Eyes wide) I would have tried to save your life. ...From me!

CHURCH: (A beat) Yeah, I didn't think of that. (He turns to Tucker.) Hey, Tucker, I don't think it's a good idea that you're keeping that thing. It looks dangerous. And probably cursed.

TUCKER: (Scoffs) You're just pissed because you don't have one. Admit it, you're jealous.

CHURCH: No, you must have me confused with Tex. She's been staring at you non-stop since you found that thing. Like it's the last piece of cheesecake.

Cut to TEX staring at the weapon like it's the last piece of cheesecake. Her optical sensor is fixated on it.

TEX: (Her robotic voice, flat) ...That's not true.

CHURCH: (To Tex) You haven't taken your eyes off it. Not once.

TEX: Yes, I have. I blinked. Once.

CHURCH: Then why haven't you looked at me the entire time I've been talkin'? I'm right here.

TEX: (Still looking at the sword, her head slightly tilted) I'm looking at you right now. My peripheral vision is excellent.

CHURCH: Nu-hoh you're not! You're staring at the sword!

TEX: I've already seen you. Not too impressed.

CABOOSE: (To Church, sadly) I would have tried to save Tex, too... She's very pretty.

CHURCH: (Frustrated) Well, I didn't, Caboose, I didn't try to save me, I didn't try to save Tex, and I sure as hell didn't make millions of copies of myself trying to keep the bomb from goin' off. I was trying to be responsible!

CABOOSE: (Nods slowly) Oh. Because that was my next suggestion. I had a whole plan involving glitter.

CHURCH: (Sighs) Leave me alone, Caboose. I didn't wanna mess with the timeline.

CABOOSE: (Confused) Time, line? Time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round. And why we go in circles sometimes.

GHOST: (Flatly, to Caboose) No, Caboose, that's a different time. There are two different times, one is the time you're talking about, that is the time when you know it's your naptime or your food time or whatever. And the other one is time itself, pretty much, it's reality... It's a complex concept.

CABOOSE: (A dawning realization, then a hopeful tone) Oh... Is it naptime yet?

GHOST: (Sighs) Yes, you can sleep all you want. For a thousand years, if you like.

CABOOSE: Yay! (He promptly curls up on the ground and starts snoring.)

TEX: (Still staring at the sword) Man, that thing is really shiny. I wonder if it can cut through steel.