V I X E N ~ april 17th, 2017
"now have you come up with something," he sits down with his food right next to me instead of across from me in the booth.
"i wanted to be closer," he smiles.
i return the smile.
"i have come up with something," i nod my head.
"yes!"
"my mom was a drug addict. she did everything there was and had two children very young. things happened, i was in and out of the foster care system for years. my brother got out before me and took me in, he let me live out of his trailer park before he disappeared on me to flee the country when i was 16. that's when my mom came back in my life. i was living alone, she was outside one day with a boy around three years old. she told me it was her son riley, she was doing therapy over here that i could come to one of her sessions and see how hard she was trying and she stumbled and slurred," he is paying close attention to my every word.
"she asked if she could stay for a little while. i said yes because of the child. i became his mother within a day. she was never around, told me she was going to her job, interviews. her therapy. esha did research one day when i was at school. my mom dropped riley to esha's house everyday and 'went' to work. esha watched the whole morning waiting for my mother to leave the house after sneaking back in. she finally did. esha got in, took photos of everything. her whole stash of drugs, syringes, heroin, crack, cocaine, molly, all of it,"
"please continue!" he says eating as i take a sip of my drink.
"i called cps, they took riley away, she was arrested. she sent her boys after me, after a year and a half of suffering from their random attacks and rapes, molestations, slurs, messages, calls, break-ins. esha's family got a lawyer involved. they paid for everything, including therapy afterwards," i smile and shrug.
it was the past but i've learned who to trust.
i left out all of my brother, all of my mothers past, the foster homes, it was a long story but it wasn't even the full story of it.
"i am sorry to hear that. i wanna tell a really meaningful story now over mcdonald's now," he clears his throat causing me to giggle and for him to smile.
"ok, jazz only knows about my father and why i got so addicted to drugs. both my parents were harvard graduates but my mom is more of a granola lady, more down to earth, much more understand and forgiving. my dad was a hard ass. he really wanted me to become like them. i was smart but it wasn't what i wanted to be. he was a coach for all the sports i plaid and he liked to be able to yell and boss around. i guess all the childhood years of him screaming and yelling and him talking to his girlfriend on the phone while you're in the car and he's still with your mom. i wanted him to feel weak for once. so i told my mom about his other girl. they divorced it was a weird time. i was a teenager but i didn't want my dad in my life because i knew what i wanted to do. it was music. if he was in my life he would give me shit about my every move. i did drugs initially to stop thinking about everything he said to me growing up that bothered me. but now it's like i don't even care about that shit anymore, i just like being this high cause i get anxious now when i'm not," he slumps his shoulders.
"how high are you right now?"
"i'm only off weed right now, i wanted to be sober around you," he looks at his phone.
"fuck we gotta get back," he throws everything into the bag and i copy. we throw everything away.
"what time is it?"
"6:55, i just don't want to get stopped by fans and we walked kinda far because i wanted to talk to you," he smiles at me before pushing the door open. his hand is in mine and it doesn't let go for a second.
"i am really enjoying this," i giggle as he starts to speed walk.
he slows down a little and slouchers his shoulders a bit.
"i just don't want the fans to see us together, it's not that i don't want to be seen with you, i just don't want people to come attacking you, saying shit like you're only using me. i want you to meet gus not lil peep."
i digest his words for a second.
"that's kinda deep," i glance at him for a second looking down at our hands and smiling briefly.
"well have you liked gus so far?" i nod my head rapidly. he giggles.
"but what is lil peep like?"
"you'll see later," he looks down for a second like he's ashamed of something but snaps away quickly probably in hopes i didn't notice.
we get back to the venue after some more small talk and found our way into the green room. by the time 7:45 came, gus left. so did jazz. his manager bryant said that he had a quick photo shoot before the show he had to go to first.
esha and i instantly scooted next to each other.
"i fucking hate this," i sigh.
she gives me a weird glance and takes something out of her bra.
"fuck you," i shake my head hold my hand out.
"perk 15 baby, the perfect amount for two drinking girls, who haven't eaten anything all day," she hands me a vodka and coke.
we swallow down the pills and she tucks the capsule away. the feeling i hadn't felt in a few months comes flooding back, as much as i miss it i know what i stand for. esha knows too. we give each other a look that we know we should stop before we go onto small talk.
at about 8:15 gus walks back out of the room but not with jazz, he walks over to me and sits down.
he sinks into the couch a little bit, i can tell he's off. i sense it because i am on the same level he is right now.
he looks at me quickly and smiles. his eyes red beyond belief.
"how many bars did you take?" i smile at him shaking my head.
"two 2 mg," he grins larger.
"that's not a lot for me though, i want to be sober later so i a took less," he sits up from his slumped position.
"ok," i nod my head smiling as esha smirks behind me.
