V I X E N ~ october 3rd, 2017
i woke up in portland on the back couch with gus laid out across my lap. i smiled and moved him to the side peacefully to let him continue to sleep.
i walked to the front of the bus and snapped a picture of gus' schedule.
esha was standing there making eggs.
i found my way to her and helped her by making some pancakes from the pre made batter she bought at the store with me yesterday.
"how was gus last night?"
"he was pretty sober," i nod my head as i mix the ingredients together.
"that's good, bexey was pretty fucked up," she shakes her head.
"i am sorry, it's hard," i knew how she was probably upset last night over it because typically that's what happened with me when gus came back here from shows fucked out of his mind.
you can't really do anything with the boys when they're fucked up, you just got to sit there and wait for the comedown where they pass out.
sometimes when we were home and gus came back fucked up, i would make him food and get him back to a point where he could stay up with me but on the bus it was a lot harder with the resources we had.
i poured some batter into the other pan we had. we brought two for the road, that with a pasta pot, a strainer, and paper bowls and plates were purchased weekly for everyone to eat off.
i flipped the pancake after a few seconds of it cooking on one side.
i made a whole box full of pancakes, around 10. esha ordered me an uber to a local gas station where i purchased orange juice, more water, and flowers to set the table.
i headed back to the bus, no one was up yet so i finished cleaning up the stuff we used. the bowl and pan.
when gus finally woke up and stumbled his way to the kitchen wiping sleep from his eyes. esha and i were just finishing setting up a whole breakfast buffet with the pan of eggs in the middle and a paper plate stacked tall with pancakes. we put out a bowl of fruit for the boys to take, orange juice, milk and water were all sitting out on the table we plastic utensils sitting in the middle of it all next to the flowers i bought for gus.
at gus and bexey's seat there was a note from us.
gus smiled and took a seat at the table tucking the note under his leg.
"you guys treat us so well," he pulls me over and kisses me.
bexey rolls in a few seconds later with sunk in eyes that were bloodshot.
we all sit down and enjoy the big breakfast esha and i had the time to make.
when we finish the breakfast it is around 10am, well all needed to get ready.
i helped gus pick out an outfit, the lightening pants i made him with an upside down cross sweatshirt over it.
portland was cold. we stepped outside and i instantly was shivering despite the fact that i was standing in a fuzzy white jacket, a white cropped top under and some fuzzy white sweatpants that said feelings on the side with the definition of it underneath.
i shake in the cold as we walk up to the venue.
"someone didn't dress for the cold," gus smirks bringing me into his side.
"i did, i just didn't put enough layers on," i lean into him as he gives me some of his warmth.
he opens the back door for both of us. we step in.
it's madness in the venue as everyone is trying to get ready for the packed show tonight but we ignore all the stage crew getting the show ready.
instead we just go right to the green room where gus shakes hand with a tattooed man running the interview we had planned for 11:30.
the interviewer was nice enough to let gus keep me in the room after gus repeatedly asked if i could.
i sat there staring at the tattooed angel i got to call my fiance as he answered every question thrown his way. he seemed like he was sober, we did smoke at breakfast and before we left so i knew he was high but i also smoked the same things as him so i knew he wasn't off a xan because he didn't like me taking them. hypocritical but i am glad he cared just as much for me as i did for him.
i stopped zoning out right when the interviewer was speaking about a new question. i listened.
"your music talks about drug abuse and being disloyal to all the girls that you have in your life but you have a girlfriend right now, is it hard to manage the rockstar lifestyle and the normalities in your life?"
he thinks for a second.
"um, well that's my fiance now. it is hard to manage life that the fans see and the life i live outside of music but i found someone that i really love so it makes it a lot easier to be loyal," he takes out a blunt.
he hands me one with a smile.
"i can light up right?" the interview nods turning his paper with questions.
we smile at each other and light up filling the room with smoke.
"you said fiance?"
he takes an inhale as he nods his head.
"yeah but i would rather not talk about it," he looks towards me for approval, i didn't want people to know we were engaged because it didn't change anything about how we loved each other, i didn't want fans and the label to get associated with everything and make things more complicated.
i wanted to enjoy the few secrets i shared with gus without everyone in the world giving their two cents about it all.
i give gus a smile. he returns with a larger smile.
"well that's all for the interview, thank you lil peep for joining us today," he shakes gus' hand and he nods balancing the blunt between his lips.
we finish our smokes as we walk out of the backstage area.
i didn't like gus' female manager from the label, she wasn't the on tour manager but she planned everything in gus' music life.
it sucked because i felt like he was constantly busy doing something, that's why he was taking so much. that's why he was so busy.
but i finally got ahold of bryant a few days ago. i actually liked him i think he cared about gus for the most part. he blurred the lines because a lot of the times when he was around the female manager, he would agree with everything she said and tell gus that he needed to be doing these overbooked schedules if he wanted to make any money.
gus didn't care about the money though. he wanted people to hear his music which is why it hurt to see him popping pills throughout the day to deal with the stress from the record label.
we were sitting in a diner now, next to each other because gus didn't want to sit across from me, he wanted to sit right next to me in the booth.
"i am sorry i said you were my fiance in the interview," he glances at me waiting for me to get mad.
"it's fine, they were going to find out eventually but i am glad you didn't talk too much about it."
"why don't you want fans to know?"
"because there are only a few things about our love life that is private almost all of it is on media and for the fans to take the wrong way. i am in love with you gus, i don't think anyone else needs to know that except you, telling the fans will mean the record label knows and if the label knows, well they don't want us together because i am not famous enough."
"i don't care what the fans say, i don't care what the record label says when it regards you. i love you vixen, nothing is going to change that. nothing anybody says or makes up about you will change my mind about you," he scoots closer to me looking straight into my eyes as he talks.
his lips connect to mine.
