a/n 300 to 2,100 mg of xanax kills you :(
V I X E N ~ october 4th, 2017
today we were in another part of oregon. last night gus came back really fucked up. i didn't stay for the whole show because i started to get annoyed when he was stumbling on stage. i was sitting with him when he took them all right before the show. 24mg mg of xanax straight back in one sitting.
he then smoked, luckily only weed because i was ignoring him and surprisingly he picked up on why almost instantly. the record label, his on tour manager, had provided the xanax which made me more upset. usually if i was around gus would turn them down, but gus knew he would do that so he walked out of the room to get them from the manager.
but today was a new day.
gus was eating an egg sandwich with cheese as i sat there, my eyes sunk in and bloodshot from staying up all night to make sure gus stayed alive. i knew drugs, i knew it would take a minimum of 300mg to really get to the point where he would drop dead but gus had no dinner last night, he drank on stage and he exerted energy on stage that could definitely kill him in the long run.
"i am sorry," he sighs putting down the half eaten side he was eating.
i shrug.
"please stop being mad at me, i know i am not going to live much longer so i need you to be here for me while i am alive," i didn't like him saying that.
i wanted gus to outlive me, i didn't want him to die first but being here on tour it was an eye opening experience where it finally struck me that there was no chance that gus could outlive me.
but i tried to not think of that too much.
"i am just really tired," i sigh dropping my head onto the table in front of us.
he moved to the spot next to me in the booth i was in on the front of the bus.
he pulls me into his chest and kisses the top of my head.
"gus i don't want you to die," i sniffle feeling myself getting ready to cry.
"and i don't want you to hurt yourself," he runs his hand up my scared wrist.
"i was upset."
"why?"
"because you took too many," i say into his chest as a tear falls from my eyes.
he lifts my head and wipes away the tears falling from my eyes.
"i am going to stay 100% sober tonight, just for you," he wipes away some more tears and kisses me passionately.
~
gus forced me to come to the show tonight even though i was tired and i really wasn't in the mood to see gus break a promise about being sober.
but i ended up not arguing and going anyways because it wasn't worth a fight with him. we smoked a lot before so i was really out of it by the time we got into the green room where everyone was sitting.
gus looked very high himself but we did smoke five bowls out of bexey's bong and four blunts with each other before coming here.
i dressed up a little for the show, a white lace bralette underneath a thin white knit shirt with some black mom jeans, i put a chain around the waist of the pants that was really detailed. i topped it off with the chain that gus' name on it, our ring with some others, and a simple chain around my neck.
i was currently sitting on gus' lap in the crowded green room. we were sharing another blunt as everyone around us talked up the show and how excited they were.
"i am really glad you came," he tights his grip around my waist.
i had been relatively quiet all day, not that i meant to be i was just really tired. i hadn't slept in over 24 hours by now and was running simply off of energy drinks and weed.
i nod my head in response.
"are you still mad at me," he sighs.
"no, i am just really tired," i take another inhale of the blunt that was still sitting in between my fingers.
i had completely forgotten about it being there.
"it feels like you're still mad at me," i could feel him getting anxious and tense underneath me.
i turn around so i am straddling his lap and looking directly in his eyes.
i hand him the blunt and take his jawline in my hands.
"fuck ur so hot daddy," i go down and kiss his lips softly, i bite his bottom lip before he stops me.
"i have show baby i can't right," he frowns.
"later?"
he smirks and pulls me into him kissing him with more force.
"after the show," he whispers against my lips and flips me around so i am sitting sideways on his leg.
eventually gus is called to side stage. he drags me along with him holding my hand tightly.
he has to let go soon after but he makes sure to kiss me deeply before running out on stage to preform.
it was overall one of gus' best vocal performances. he sounded good every time he went on stage but it was obvious that this show he was able to focus on how he sounded and how everything around him sounded.
gus came off stage the happiest he had been in awhile. he instantly grabbed me and dragged me back to the bus without responding to all the managers and crew telling him how amazing the show was like they did most nights.
instead he shoved me into the bus and locked the door.
he smirked at me and pushed me slowly into the back lounge area as our lips met.
