V I X E N ~ november 13, 2017
today we had a day off in el paso. gus was posting all over his instagram and snapchat because he really liked saying the name with different accents.
"take a photo with me baby!" he is sitting in front of a half eaten sandwich we got for lunch.
i come over to where he is to see him recording.
"tricked you it's a video!" he laughs to himself.
i giggle as i sit down and roll a blunt.
"you're so quirky sometimes gus," i roll my eyes as i roll it up.
"when she can roll a blunt though," he whispers making moaning sounds.
"i kinda sound like you last night," he moans again so i kick him under the table.
"ouch!" he rubs it giving me a frowny face.
"that was sexual."
"ok mom."
"i prefer daddy," i wink.
"shut the fuck up," esha walks out ending the conversation.
"i just spoke to my mom on the phone and she is getting a divorce because she also can't stand my father!" esha walks in laughing at her phone.
"i smoked one time with your mom and she told me how she hated chris the whole entire time," i laugh.
"well she's finally leaving him so no more complaining. a free independent women," esha sits next to me as gus finishes his sandwich.
"how is my favorite couple?" she smiles leaning against my shoulder.
"want to hear a funny sound vixen made last night," i kick gus under the table again.
"it was a joke!" he puts his hands up in defense.
"i didn't like the joke," i put my hands up in defense to mock him.
"fair enough," he looks at his sandwich and takes another bite.
he takes out his phone. he starts scrolling so i talk to esha while he seems occupied in his sandwich and instagram.
"what are you going to do once tour is over?" tour was ending soon we hadn't figured out a single plan yet.
"I think i am just going to go live with my mom in greenwich," esha shrugs her shoulders.
"is that where she is going?"
"well she is going to live close to my sister she said. told me she may take penelope out of the home and care for her at the house. i told her not to do it and that penelope hasn't gotten any better from the last time she saw her."
"we could always go back to the city," esha looks towards gus then back at me.
gus lifts his head.
"No, you're coming home with me," he shakes his head furrowing his eyebrows.
"surprised you still want me around," i squint my eyes at him and he shakes his head.
"i will never get tired of you, i don't think i ever could," he smiles and eats a french fry.
i reach over and grab one eating it as esha talks again.
"i want you to go live with gus anyways you seemed happiest when you were living with him and i want to make sure you're content," she smiles.
esha was literally my sister, she cared more about my health then my brothers ever did or will.
"but i miss you when i live in LA," i frown.
"maybe i will go out there i don't know, i think i should stay with my mom for a little though. have you had lunch?" i shake my head.
we ended up ordering taco bell, gus had a second meal there too.
after we all ate, we went to western playland. it was basically just a huge amusement park.
gus and i got photos in a photo booth. i loved them so much.
i saved them in the back of my phone as rode some rides.
i was always afraid of roller coasters but i ended up going o n every single one with gus because he wanted to so badly and i couldn't say no. i had fun.
at around seven we left.
gus took me to a tattoo shop.
he got something done and then told me i should.
i ended up getting yours tattooed across the space after my pinky finger on my hand.
we walked around the area a little before we found our way back to the hotel. we ordered food and ate and watched music videos.
gus was telling me about an idea he had for a clothing line he wanted to do. he had really good ideas and as someone who was in a fashion major i liked giving my input because it made me feel like i was putting my degree to use.
we ended up sketching out a bunch of different ideas.
gus loved them all. he tucked all of them away in his suitcase before we cuddled together and just talked.
"what do you see in your future baby?" gus looks over at me.
i shrug my shoulders.
"i would hope you're in it. i try to not predict my future too much and try to just live life. see where it takes me. if you would have asked me that a year ago i would have said in new york and now look where i am. it's hard to tell where ill be but hopefully i am with you because that's where i am happiest," i smile at him.
he grins.
"good, because you bring out the best in me and i don't want anyone else," he leans down and kisses me.
i smile against his lips and kiss him back with just as much passion.
"what do you see in your future?" i ask once we pull away.
"i don't think i am going to live much longer," he gives me a sad smile.
i feel my heart drop.
"gus please don't say that," i put my hands around his jawline.
"i will try to stay alive for you."
"i would literally die for you gus. i would kill myself if it meant saving you, you have so many fans that love you. your mom would be heartbroken, and all your friends would be so lost without you in their life. i would be lost without you in my life," my voice cracks.
"don't cry vixen, i still have time left. i just don't think i'll live long. i am going to do this until i die though," he wraps his arms tighter around my waist.
"if i die though, please stay alive," he looks in my eyes as he talks to me.
"i think it would be really hard for me to stay alive baby."
"don't die for me, stay alive. be there for esha. be there for my mom. be there for the fans. and my friends if i do die before you."
it sounded like gus was telling me it was his last night.
i didn't want to think like that. i wanted to think about how today was fun, how we got to spend the whole day together. how tomorrow was a new day, how gus was killing every show on this tour. how he was doing so amazing.
but i don't think gus would be able to understand how proud and starstruck everyone around him was of his work and his presence. gus was so special, there would never be another gustav ahr. i just hoped he didn't throw his life away too soon.
