V I X E N ~ october 15th, 2017
i was trying to care more about my health now that the doctor told me i was going to die if i dropped below a 15 sometimes even a 16 and i was already at 16.
i only wore baggy clothes, i was always cold and was ashamed of my body now, it was way too thin.
gus didn't seem to care either way he just kept feeding me even when i said i was full he would make me eat another meal with him.
tour was a lot of work even though my only job was to follow gus around. i couldn't imagine being gus' shoes, i understood why he took the medicine it just got me worried every time he threw one back a night after taking way too many. would that be the one in his system that takes him from me.
i tried to keep him off it whenever i could be around him, sometimes he would run off on me when i was talking to esha or when either of us went to the bathroom.
but tonight, i had finally convinced gus to do a night clean. he agreed and handed me all of his capsules of pills. he clinged to my side for the rest of the day. he refused to leave my side or have me go my own way so he could do interviews.
during interviews he had me sitting there or very close by where he could touch me. gus did a good job at being sober today, i was extremely proud of him for not taking any medicine throughout the day.
he kept me track too forcing me to eat meals with him every hour.
i was gaining weight back for sure. i was starting to feel a little better. time was going by a lot faster than usual, on tour every day was hectic and packed. we didn't have the off time to really sit around and do nothing.
we were getting close to going back to new york, i was beyond excited for it. it was only going to be for a day but i missed the city more than anything.
i was sitting with gus in the green room, he was going on soon.
he was making me eat french fries with him.
"how are you feeling?" i looked at him, we smoked a lot of weed to mask the fact he wasn't off a xan, i rather him green out then die.
"eh, i mean," he stops to take some food, "i'm just happy because you're here and happy so i don't need to be that high," he shoves more fries in.
i play with his hair that is now growing long.
"i love you," i smile kissing him.
he kisses me back.
"peep to side stage," the stage crew called for us.
gus got up and linked our hands. he led me up to side stage with him where he was given a microphone. he smiled and kissed me before walked out on stage. this performance was amazing, every night was amazing. gus was getting tireder and tireder with each show though. i felt bad.
he looked really tired when he walked off stage today. he thanked everyone backstage for coming.
we stayed behind and talked a little before we stepped outside to fans waiting for gus.
he sheltered me quickly keeping me behind him with our hands held.
"you guys are so sweet," he smiles hugging some fans that start to grab at him from the side.
he brings me closer behind him were i am basically touching him. he pulls me into his side and smiles kissing me.
he takes some photos with fans but makes sure to keep me right there.
finally the last girl approaches gus, she has a card and she hards it to him waiting for him to open it.
he smiles and does so. when he opens it xanax falls out.
he's gonna take them.
he laughs and picks them up looking at them.
"thank you but no thank you," he smiles laughing as he passes them back to the girl.
she tucks the drugs away with a confused look.
"want a photo?" he smiles, she nods and takes a picture with gus before he hugs her and tells her we need to leave.
i am shocked he gave those back to her. i was also really proud, he actually stayed the whole day sober.
we sat in the back of the bus as it started to move onto our next location.
gus put some music on in the background and cuddled with me.
"what's wrong vixen?" he gives me a sad look.
"i just don't know. ever since i saw my mom i had been off and i really just don't want to lose you like i lost my mom. she said the thing about how you're probably just going to leave me like everyone else and it hurt because you're just like my brother. you're not going to intend on leaving me, it's going to accidentally happen when i need you the most," i cling to him like he's dying right now.
"we need to get you healthy again baby, it's contributing to your mindset a lot too you know, being this underweight sometimes fucks with your depression," he kisses the top of my head.
"i know, i am really trying," i grab some of the popcorn sitting on the table.
he grabs the bowl and puts it on his lap.
"eat every single piece," i shake my head.
"if you do i'll go another full day sober tomorrow," he pushes the food closer to me.
eventually i give in and eat most of the popcorn, eventually gus gives in and starts to eat it with me.
"you know i am never going to leave or abandon you right baby?" gus looks down at me.
i glance briefly at the time before i answer. 1:22 am.
"i love you, i am going to be here forever too. no matter if you hate me i will still be here for you," i give him a kiss as we cuddle closer and watch a movie.
