V I X E N ~ december 1st, 2017
i had made all social media accounts private although i posted nothing since the death. i laid in the bed i shared with gus, now with esha by my side comforting me every hour of the day as we lived off the estate of gus.
i was falling apart and fans everyday were messaging me for a response.
i finally decided tonight i was going to go on instagram live and talk about it. i felt like i was finally in the right headspace.
i made my instagram public. my followers instantly jumped up from 423k to 892k. my heart broke seeing the numbers. they only care when he's gone.
i look towards esha. it was eight pm, i told her i wanted to do it and i posted on my story i was going to.
i finally pressed the button to it holding my juul in my hand as esha sat next to me and people started to join.
i take a deep breath.
"i know a lot of people have been asking me to talk about everything, that i was the closest thing to gus and all you guys have left of him," i fiddle with the necklace that has his name on it.
i would never take it off.
"and i just wanted to come here and tell you guys that i love you all. lil peep loved you all. i truly believe that peep loved his fans more than anything else in his life. he loved me, of course, but his passion for music was so strong. it was his fucking dream and you guys let him live it. i am going to try and be here because i know so many of you looked up to him and idolized him. gus was so special, there will literally never be another person as devoted, as caring, as strong as gus. he was an angel simply too pure and too good for this world, that's why he's looking down above us now, making sure that everything is going okay. i just thought i would long onto this today and address some of the rumors i've been seeing," i take a deep breath as esha looks through the comments.
"people are asking to talk about the bexey videos," she mumbles.
i nod my head.
"i know everyone wants to point fingers right now, they want someone to blame for the incident, and trust me, i am right there with you guys. i want to know who the fuck took away the love of my life. i don't want to essentially point fingers at anyone but you know the tests came back and showed that it was fentanyl overdose. like the xans were laced," i take out a blunt and start to light it.
"i am just saying like i don't want to point fingers but this girl did sell him a laced bar and i've been seeing the shit with the messages to the boyfriend who said she had done shit like this before and-" i take an inhale of it.
i breathe out the smoke.
"you know i am not the type of person to call out this young girl and point fingers at her and have everyone attack her but if you're going to sell a famous artist xanax, please don't fucking lace it and kill him. test your shit or tell him it's not tested so he doesn't go popping ode. claiming that you're a fan like the pills killed him and you probably knew that shit was laced. gus took 6 pills, he told me that shit i have fucking messages of it and there were nights when gus had taken 10 pills and lived," i take another inhale.
"so i am just saying it's sketchy," i roll my eyes as esha address another comment and i smoke more, tears start rolling out of my eyes so i wipe them away as i go to address the comment she just read.
"i don't fucking get why you guys will be messaging me telling me that i didn't try to save him that i am the reason he died. gus was fucking his happiest when he was around me, i had gustav ahr 99% of the time, he was lil peep for shows, he was xanned out for shows and for interviews to try and cope with how much was on his plate. last tour gus was taking 6 to 8 pills a night and he would only take 2-4 when i was there so you can tell me i didn't save his life all you fucking want but you don't know the situation, so fucking stay out of it because i am heart broken. that was my fucking fiance, that was the love of my goddamn life so bullshit i didn't try to save him, i would kill myself to bring gus back to life," i smoke some more as esha lights up.
i sniffle a little as i wipe away tears. i look at the comments telling me to not cry, GBC for ever, peep lives on. it didn't matter what people said, gus was dead. he was the love of my life. i found the man of my dreams and he was taken before i even got serious time with him.
"i am going to fucking cry because i am hurt. and i know everyone just wants to point fingers, bexey took the video because he thought gus was fucking sleeping, they were like fucking brothers and bexey would never fucking hurt gus like that, he would never intentionally show off his best friend dead which is why he instantly deleted the video when he realized," i take a few deep inhales as i wipe away some more tears.
"i am going to be here and i am going to strong though. i know gus wanted that. he told me how if he ever died first he wanted me to be here. for you guys. because gus would tell me the most personal shit, gus was sober around me which you guys didn't see often. i got gus at his worst and his best. he told me things that he never told anyone and i just want to live out his legacy because i know that's what he wanted. his music changed the music scene and he will live on forever," i take some more inhales as some people comment about tracy.
"i haven't hard from tracy, i have bexey in the area. he is doing ok, smokesac and ghost are suffering for sure, i've talked a little to nick, he said he is doing okay," i answer to the people asking about gus' friend.
i take another inhale.
"gus' mom offered for me to move in, she's obviously beyond hurt," i don't speak of the lawyer getting involved and the wrongful death lawsuit but i was on her side with it.
gus' manager doped him up all the time and his label loved showing off gus' addictions any chance they got.
i stayed on live for a few more minutes before i called it a night. i cried the whole night with esha.
