V I X E N ~ december 15, 2017
one month since i lost him and everyday got harder and harder for me. i barely ate anymore. i was losing weight again rapidly and esha was going through just as much pain watching me fall apart because i lost him.
i wore his sweatshirt, i never took it off. it was too hard for me, i just wore his clothes because i wanted his scent one last time.
esha had run to the store so i decided to go on another instagram live, connecting with the fans made it a lot easier for me to go through this process.
"i just thought i would come on here, it's been a month and today was a really hard day. smokesac came by earlier with bexey," i nodded my head.
"a lot of you guys are asking me about the documentary and i heard it's on the way, it's been bought by someone else so we are waiting. liza has been telling me a little about how the record label is trying to keep it a secret to us as well they don't want to reveal much so i know just about as much as you guys," i answer to one of the comments.
"i know a lot of you guys have been asking where i have been staying," i adjust myself a little and start to light a blunt i rolled earlier.
"i am still staying in the house," i go to light it away from my face as i continue to talk.
"i think i really needed it, i can feel gus is still here with me. like i know he is looking down on me," my voice cracks as years start to follow.
i take an inhale of the blunt and exhale a few seconds later. i wipe away some falling tears.
"it's hard because this was where we lived, i just see him in so many places," i breath looking at the ceiling as more tears fall.
"and i know he is making sure i am safe and protected and happy like he always did it's just really hard to think i've gone a month without him," i starts to sob looking down as i wipe away some tears.
i take another long inhale and a breath to calm down.
"but i am really trying to stay strong, i think we are going to move out soon and head back to new york where i am from," i take another inhale lighting the blunt as it hangs from my mouth.
i wipe some more tears away with the sleeve of his sweatshirt that still has a lingering smell of him.
"it's just like i really need time to put this place on the market, it was gus' home and i need to have one last piece of him," i nod my head as the sun shines through. i smile knowing it was gus trying to give me a sign, i tried to see him in the little things to remind myself that he was there still.
just not physically.
"i just needed a little break from crying but i am just crying more," i chuckle as i wipe some more tears.
"it's hard because you guys, i am sure, loved him just as much as i did but i was there with gus through everything, i spent every hour with him and the one day i had to go do family stuff i love the love of my life. like there will be no other person that i could physically love as much as i loved gus," i shake my head inhaling some more.
i wipe away some stray tears, it's just really hard and you guys are really seeing how much this has broken me on lives everyday," i shake my head wiping some more tears off my cheeks.
"but you know, i cherish those memories with him and i am going to try and be okay," i take a long breath in.
"i would like to thank you guys for all the support, the positive comments to me are outweighing the negative and i really appreciate that love right now. i know gus loves that energy too. so keep it going," i speak inhaling some more from my blunt.
"i was really thinking of getting a dog, gus loved dogs and he wanted one so it's like a piece of gus and a friend for me," i give a small smile to the camera.
i sit answering some questions for a little while longer before i log off of the live.
esha had come home five minutes later and sat in the room with me.
"i think i should unpack," i look at the two bags sitting there, gus' was open cause i had been taking sweaters out of it and shirts to wear the past few weeks.
she nods her head rubbing my back.
"i think we should also give some of his stuff to bexey and tracy," she nods her head as i shake mine.
"ok we can wait a little longer," she nods her head as i go over to my bag.
she follows me.
i open it up to find a note that falls out.
vixen <3
i hold the note in my hand, gus' messy handwriting. esha gives me a sad smile.
i look down at the note and back at her as she nods for me to open it.
i open it carefully and take out the paper filled with words.
vixen
where do i start? you're the love of my life and it hurts to think i am writing this right now but i can feel i took too many and before they start to hit i want you to have this last little piece of me. inside this are some letters i wrote for you when i first met you, i was writing them a lot because i really really liked you and i wanted you to love me back. my ring is also in here, i want you to have it because you always used to play with it. it's crazy how a girl can come into your life and show you so much. before you, i am not going to lie i was heartbroken and lost. my ex had cheated all over me and i was in a spot where i felt like i had nothing to live for. and then i saw you at that show, you said one word and i knew right away you were the girl that i was going to fall madly in love with. and to this day i am still just as in love with you.
if the ink is smudged it's because i am crying as i write this note to you. i just don't want to have to write you a goodbye note because i can imagine your face when you see me after being on that long flight. i know i won't be alive. and that's what hurts me. i won't get to say goodbye to you in person, i won't get to look at your beautiful wide eyes and tell you that everything is going to be okay, how one day we will be together again but right now you need to stay on this earth and be the amazing girl you were to me to all my friends and family in pain.
you were so beyond special vixen. i can't believe you wanted to marry me, i would think about that see you wearing the ring everyday and just my heart would stop. you're the love of my life, i can't put it any other way. it hurts me because i know you're eventually going to find this note and cry your way through it. i hate to see you cry. but please babygirl i need you to be strong. i need you to stay alive.
live out my legacy, please make sure the fans know how much i loved them and how much i had in store for them and everything i wanted to do for them. tell them the ideas i only told you, tell them the song lyrics and memories only you and i had shared together. the times in the studio with you sitting by my side as i recorded. but most of all don't forget how much i loved you. i never thought i could love something more than i loved music and my career. but then i met you vixen adair. could've been vixen ahr, would have been hotter. i loved you more than music, and music was my therapy. it was my natural drug. you showed me i didn't need the drugs to have a high, i just needed you and my music. it sucks because if you were here you would yell at me and guilt me out of taking so many.
i just am empty and i need that feeling.
i love you vixen. more than i loved myself. i hope one day we can meet again, i love you forever and always. i am always going to be there by your side. for the rest of your life.
his signature was at the bottom of the note. tears were streaming down my face as i traced over his pen letters in his name.
esha rubbed my back and let me cry as i went through the rest of my things sobbing.
