Worth It

(3) A Whole Lot of Fuck

"I'll miss you kiddo." Zayne tells me, as he grips my shoulders at arms length, a tear spills from his eyes and stains his white sweatshirt. 

I roll my eyes at him. "Hey, don't be a pussy. I'll visit when Christmas comes around." I don't say Thanksgiving too because I know we can't afford for me to visit more than once a year, plus summer vacation too. We might not even be able to afford that ticket for Christmas, but there's still a chance and I want to make him feel better. After all, I wouldn't even be going to college, let alone a good school like Princeton if it weren't for my big bro. I owe him everything. "Plus, we can still Skype and text." I add as a bit of an after thought.

He nods begrudgingly. "Oh, will you two hug already? I want to hug her too!" Anita says as she tries to swallow her tears, but a few still manage to sneak out. 

She really is a great person and I am happy for Zayne. I just hope he can keep his shit together long enough to keep her around for more than two months. They never seem to stay together, but they always manage to circle back towards one another. They bring out the best in each other and are happiest when around the other. 

It is really beautiful to see and know that people can love each other as deep as these two do, even if I never want a relationship like they have for myself. That just isn't me and honestly? I'm way too fucked up for anyone to ever really love me and want all of me. Not just one part.

Zayne wraps his arms around me, jolting me out of my thoughts. He pulls me into his arms and spins me around. My eyes go as wide as saucers and I feel myself suck in a sharp breath in surprise. 

He lets me down gently and pokes the beauty mark located near my nose that he knows I hate and laughs when I swat his hand away. "My turn!" Anita squeals and jumps into my arms, pushing her boyfriend aside and making me wobble a bit. "I love you." She tells me and pulls away just enough so that I can peer into her almost gold like eyes. "I know we aren't family by blood, but I want you to know that you have always felt like a younger sister to me." She says, as she pulls away some more to wipe the tears with her hands that just seem to keep falling from her eyes. "You are going to kill it at college! I just know it!" She says as Zayne holds her in his arms from behind and she grips his hands in hers as they hold her belly. 

God, they're so cute; it's almost sickening to watch. I almost want to gag, but I don't out of consideration for them.

"Don't forget to call us when you land." My brother reminds me. I nod once as I take my suit case from off the floor and grab my passport. As I head over to the line, so I can get seated for flight my brother yells, "I love you!" He's so embarrassing sometimes. 

I try to hide my smile as I look back at him and air kiss him. It's the best I can do and he knows it. I haven't said those words to anyone since the day I watched both my parents die. 

I just couldn't form the words, but I do remember the day I was sixteen and got my first tattoo that day. They were of both my parents last words and they were to each other. They were: I love you. The tattoo is right below my right boob and no one else except me and the tattoo artist has ever seen it. Hell, no one except the tattoo artist and me even knows that I have that tattoo. 

I stand in line and wait my turn. There are about a million people in line, but it was either wait or keep watching the lovey-dovey couple get teary eyed over me leaving for college and if I'm being honest I could not stand a second more of that sappy shit. 

So, here I am in line. Might as well play subway surfers. It's gonna be a while.

***

After that long ass and boring line, I am finally off and in the plane and away from my hometown, Wellington and heading off to New Jersey.