Worth It

(16) Bad Decisions

The above video is the song called OK (anxiety anthem) by Mabel. I do not own the song or video. Anxiety can be a real bitch, but sadly, everyone has it. Some worse than others. I feel that this song may help others to feel more validated and to help remind you that you are not the only one who is going through a rough time. Especially in times like these with Covid-19 and all. Anyways, I hope you enjoy tonight's chapter. It took me a couple of days to complete, so I'm happy I finally completed this chapter! Don't forget to comment and vote! Your support is more than welcome and much appreciated. Happy reading! <3 :) <3

Noelle

As I pack up my stuff from the last class, I head to the auditorium and bump right into someone.

And it's Hartley. The girl who always has some nasty thing to say about my body. I swear, she finds time everyday to write in a notebook just planning all the things to say to me for the next day. I wonder where Melia is. Don't the girl's always travel together like Siamese twins?

Except, when I get a closer look at her I see that her eyes are all bloodshot and her hands are shaking. She usually has long sleeves on, even when dancing, but this time, the sleeves of her blue turtle-neck are rolled up slightly. Just to the forearm.

And suddenly it all seems to make sense. Why Melia and Hartley are always together, but never really talk unless it's in Spanish like they have a secret to hide.

Guess I found out the secret.

"If you tell anyone," Hartley seethes. Her voice starts to shake as she quickly pulls down the sleeves of her shirt. "I will personally hunt you down and I will kill you." She looks me dead in the eyes and gets up in my face, whispering those words so nobody but me can hear what she says.

Then she plasters on a fake smile and starts to walk off, but not before she says "Hey, look on the bright side. At least now you'll have an excuse to feed that big, fat face. Your welcome." The way she says it, you'd think she just gave me the world.

And then smashed it in my 'big, fat face' as Hartley so kindly worded it.

I feel the tears start to trickle down my cheeks and before more have a chance to spill out, I find the nearest bathroom and from there I do what I always do: Make sure the bathroom is vacant. Once that's done, I lock myself into a stall and kneel down to the toilet as if I were praying to it.

Yeah. I think to myself. Praying for it to make me thin and pretty like Hartley or Melia.

I shove my fingers down my throat and when I feel myself start to gag. I don't pull my fingers out of my mouth, instead I shove them down there harder.

And when I feel myself start to retch and convulse under the heat of my fingers, only then do I stop, so I can puke.

Puke up all that fatness. Praying for a miracle to come. To make me thin and pretty like the other girls, but it never happens.

I'm still fat and because of that, I'll never be considered as pretty.

No matter how hard I try to be. No matter how many hours I put into practicing dance. No matter how hard I try to prove myself.

Show people that I am more than just my body, but the truth is that all people see is my blubber and fat and they can't get past that.

Fuck Jo. She doesn't know anything. Forget the audition. I probably wouldn't have gotten in anyway.

Because I'm not skinny enough.

Because I'm not pretty enough.

Because I'm not fast enough.