Worth It

(34) Burning Up

Trying My Best by: Anson Seabra. I don't own this song, but I think it describes Zara perfectly. She is trying her best with the card she was dealt and that is all anyone can do. Right? Try and hope we don't drown in the abyss of our own thoughts. Anyway, hope you like this chapter! Vote and comment! Thanks for reading thus far! It means the world to me! Happy reading!! :) <3 <3

"I killed my parents." I say in plain English because I don't know how else to say it.

'My parents expired?'

'Because my parents supported me, they are now six feet under?'

'My parents are as dead as the rocks in the dirt on the ground?'

I've never told this story before. I don't know how to start it.

A beat of silence passes us. I stare at my feet. I have one black converse. That's fun. Its even got a cool zipper to the side. The black is leather too.

"How did you..." Pause.

I wait. Still waiting? Oh, so we're not going to finish that sentence? Just leave it hanging like that? Cool.

Cool. Like my shoe. My cast is cool too. Lime green. Can't miss that color. I bet--

"Zara?" Oh, wow. Cameron is kneeling at my feet. His hand gently caressing my chin so that I meet his gaze. Intimacy. Yep. That's a thing.

Something I've never actually done before. Not since--

"I just want you to know," Cameron starts to say. His heart in his eyes. "That whatever happened." His touch is so gentle. His expression is so tender. What is happening right now? "I will not judge you. You are safe. I promise."

I believe him. I don't know how he makes it so easy to do, but he does and I do. So, here goes nothing.

"When I was eight years old, I fell in love with dancing." I say to Cameron and he urges me to continue with a nod. So, I do. "My older brother, Zayne had given me his old MP3 when I'd accidentally cock-blocked him."

Cameron raises his eyebrows and I sense that he wants to say something, but instead he just shakes off his amusement and smirks at me almost as if to say: 'go on. I'm still listening.'

So, I do. "He had helped me download some songs onto it and one of the songs was called bluebird. I'd never heard it before, but it intrigued me and the very first time I played it, I was in my room and something just clicked. I danced without a care in the world and when I was done, I hadn't realized it, but my parents and brother were all watching me and that's how it all started." I say, fighting back tears. This isn't the time.

I push myself to continue, even though it hurts because I realize that I need to tell someone this. I've been keeping in my secrets for far too long and Cameron's willing to listen to me. He said he wouldn't judge me and if he does, I can always just kill him too.

"When I was twelve, my parents had taken me to another one of my dance recitals. My brother didn't come because he said he had a lot of homework that night. I really just think that he was eighteen and he would have the place all to himself without anyone to cock-block him, even though he never admitted to it." I shrug, not knowing if I'm joking. I'm trying to relieve some of the tension I'm feeling. I don't really think it's working. It's probably just making it worse.

What can I say to make this better? To make him not hate or blame me as much as I already hate and blame myself?

"Hey," Cameron takes my chin in his fingers again. He looks into my eyes while wiping the tears I tried so desperately to keep at bay. "No judgement here. Remember? I said I wasn't going to judge you and I meant it." And then he leans into me, his mouth slightly open.

He doesn't try to kiss me and I don't try to kiss him. We sort of just breathe each other's air for a few seconds as if to say that we'll be okay as long as we have each other.

In this moment, with our eyes locked on each other's and his mouth practically on top of mine, I feel safe and loved for some reason. I mean, I know I shouldn't. Cameron is the last person I should ever feel any of those things with, but right now, I can't help it because I want him.

And I forget why I shouldn't.

"That day," I whisper into his mouth because there is no way I have the strength to back away and I don't think he does either. "They both died while driving me to my dance recital."

And then I lean away from his mouth, but I take his hand with me and he squeezes it to tell me that he's here and he's listening.

"It was a drunk driver." I tell him. More tears escaping, no matter how hard I try to not let them fall. "But I know if it wasn't for me, my parents would still be here today." I whisper.

"Zara--" Cameron interjects, but I cut him off.

"No." My hand tries to slip out of his, but he just holds on tighter as I'm at the edge of a cliff and I'm holding onto for dear life. "You weren't there." My voice is so ugly at the moment.

Raw.

Broken.

Cracked.

"You can't possibly understand. I watched my parents die. Their final words were I love you to each other. As if they were desperate to get that out. They couldn't say anything else. Their eyes struggled to remain full of life. Their throats worked hard to breathe air that the broken glass from the windshield took from them. Heads cracked from banging on that windshield. And all they could do was look at each other in desperation. Trying to hold onto something they could never get back." Something I took from them when all they ever did was love me.

"What were they trying to hold onto?" Cameron grasps my shoulders as if trying to keep me in the moment. One wrong move and it could all burn up in flames.

"Life." I whisper. "They were trying to hold onto life."