Worth It

(22) To Dead Or Not To Dead

I just killed a guy.

I just killed a guy.

I just -- did I really just kill a guy?

Why isn't that sinking in, yet? God, I didn't mean to kill him! I just wanted him to stop hurting me. I wanted to feel more in control, but once I punched him, it was like something in me had just snapped! I couldn't get myself to stop punching him.

Reality just ceased to exist. It was just me, my fists and Dean Borderra. His smug face. His dungeon. The things he took from me. The trust he'd betrayed from me.

"Zara!" Cameron calls out to me. Fuck! I can't deal with him right now!

And then, the weirdest thing happens. Dean's left hand twitches. I touch two fingers to his neck and - to my astonishment - find a pulse!

Dean has a pulse! Dean isn't dead!

"Zara!" Cameron yells. Banging on the door frantically. "Open the door!"

Oh my God! Can he fucking let me breathe? I mean, I thought I killed a guy and now he's fucking alive! How did Cameron know where I was, anyway? I stomp over to the door and open it.

He moves past me into the room only to find Dean lying unconscious on the floor. "Why are you here?" I ask Cameron, putting my hand on my waist.

"Are you serious?" Cameron asks, incredulously.

"Um, yeah." I reply, dumbfounded. "As you can see," I point to Dean. "I had it under control. I didn't need you saving me, so you can just fuck off."

"Fuck off? I drove all over the place when I saw you and this strange man--"

"You followed me?" I yell.

"What was I supposed to do? You were clearly in trouble." He points out.

"Yes," I admit, begrudgingly. "But, that doesn't excuse the fact that this is none of your business!" And then I realize something. "How did you know where to find me?" I question.

"At the bottom of your desk you have your brother's phone number. I talked to him and it turns out that after you got in trouble with him last time, he'd hired a private investigator to check up on him and the investigator found out where he stays sometimes for business." He shrugs, seeming completely unapologetic for getting in my business.

"You know, you have some nerve." I say and Cameron rolls his eyes.

"You could have been killed." He states and I can see the raw emotion he lets out with that sentence. "I'm not going to apologize for doing what I had to. I saw something was up and I was terrified."

Now, it's my turn to roll my eyes at him. "We've only known each other for what, three weeks? Sorry if I don't get this whole -- I can't live in a world that doesn't have you in it --bullshit." I mock.

"What is this place, anyway?" Cameron looks around, choosing to ignore my previous sentence.

"None of your business." I say, a touch defensive.

Then, I see Dean's hand twitch once more and I am reminded that he could get up at any minute. That he is not dead and therefore, it is not safe to stay here. "Let's get out of here." I tell Cameron, trying to keep my voice from shaking and hearing it shake towards the end, anyway.

Cameron examines my face and then looks at an unconscious Dean lying on the floor and seems to decide something. He nods. "Okay." And I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding with that one, tiny word.

"On one condition." He says and I sigh, frustrated. I should have known that there would be a catch! There always seems to be. Nothing is given for free.

"What?" I say, wanting to get out of here as quickly as possible.

"You agree to tell me what happened to you and this mysterious guy in the first place and why the fuck he took you to this torture den."

"Absolutely not." I say before I can think.

"Then get ready to have some confrontation." He says. "I wonder what the first thing this creep will do." He puts his pointer finger and thumb on his chin pretending to think about it.

"I could fight you." I tell him, dead serious.

Cameron Smirks. "I'm sure you could Zara, but you won't because you like me too much." I have to bite down on my bottom lip to repress the smile I feel coming over me.

"Fine." I give in.

He opens up the door to my way out and holds it out for me.

We go to a more secluded place where we can talk. We settle on a mostly empty park except for a few people walking and we sit on a bench in silence.

Cameron is silent because he is waiting for me to spill my guts.

And me? I'm silent because I'm trying to come up with a believable lie because I can't tell him the truth. The truth I've never told anybody before. The truth that I refuse to admit to even myself because sometimes, the truth is just too painful to admit.

"Look at me." Cameron says so gently I almost believe that he knows how hard this is for me to have to say. He lifts my chin just as gently as his voice was.

I must look so vulnerable right now, but I can't help it. And then, he leans in slowly and hesitantly, giving me plenty of time to reject him and I know that I should, but I don't.

Instead, I let his lips meet mine in a whisper. A barely there touch before his lips are off mine and my lips are traveling towards his as they leave, but then his lips are on mine once more.

His kiss is sweet and tender. Almost loving. Then, his tongue comes into the equation and it explores my mouth. Tempts me.

And then it's over once more. Too quickly.

My lips follow his again before I can stop them.

"What happened to you?" He finally asks and I take a deep breath, knowing that I don't have to answer him, but wanting to anyway.

"It started when I was sixteen and going on seventeen." Cameron nods and urges me to continue and I do because even if this is hard for me to admit to him -- or anyone for that matter -- it sort of feels good to know that someone is listening to me.

That someone will hear me out and won't judge me.