Worth It

(46) To Deceive

The video above is called Creep and is by Radiohead. I don't own the song or video, but I feel like it knd of outlines exactly how Constance, Zara and a lot of people sometimes feel. I know I do. I sometimes feel like I don't belong and I constantly compare myself to other people. I need to realize that I am good enough. I don't need to keep comparing myself to others and I also need to realize that I am not always going to feel okay and that's okay because at least I feel good sometimes. You know? Zara and Constance need to realize that too I feel like and probably a lot of other people in this world. Remember, all we can do is take it one day at a time. Sometimes, I feel like I can't possibly keep living and then comes another day and I realized that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Imagine if I didn't keep hanging in there, though? I would have taken my life over something that wasn't as big as I thought it was. That's what often happens. Anyway, comment and vote because I love it!! Thank you so much for those of you who had stuck it out thus far! I hope you are enjoying reading this story as much as I am enjoying writing this!!!! Happy reading, ya'll!! :) <3 <3

From Zara's diary:

Dear you,
I hate what you took from me
I hate what I let you take from me
I was not your property
But you treated me like I was

Dear you,
I hate how I miss it
What we had
Even though I don't wish what we had on anybody
I was cursed by you
Because without you
I forgot what I used to do in my spare time
I forgot how to breathe
Without you always weighing me down
I forgot what it felt like
To look up and see the sun
And be blinded by its brightness

Dear you,
I hope you never come back
Because if you do
I'll just come back to you again
And that is the last thing
I ever want to do

Constance (twenty years ago)

He wore a black suit. All the other boys in college wore shorts or jeans and T-shirts, but he wore a suit. It was never dirty and always ironed paired with his black dress shoes that were always perfectly polished and not a smudge on them.

He never looked my way, no matter how many times I 'bumped into him'. Guys always made fun of him, but the girls wanted to bang him and I was no exception. He always seemed to have a girl trailing him, but he never paid them any mind.

Until one day, I was walking to my forensics class. Dean was walking the opposite direction. Someone -- a guy I never liked -- bumped into me and made me drop all my books. The guy just laughed at me and kept walking.

I was so mad. I flipped his back off and huffed. I got down on the ground and started picking up my books and then I saw strong hands picking up my things for me. "Some people are fucking jerks, right?" And all I could think as he handed me my books was that he was talking to me. He was actually talking to me!

And then he got up and I got up. He smiled at me. Offered me his hand and told me his name even though I already knew his name because everybody knew his name. Although most people just called him 'suit'.

I slowly took his hand and I could feel myself blushing. I looked down and said, "My name is Constance."

I looked up and he was smirking. "Nice to meet you Constance. See you around." And then he left and that was how it began.

Now

How was I supposed to know that he would cheat on me and I'd be in this situation?

I thought Dean was cute.

I thought Dean was nice.

How was I supposed to know he was a drug dealer?

How was I supposed to know he was a sadist who pried on innocent girls?

"Hey! My vagina is kind of hurting in this chair. Think you could set me free, so I can stretch her out a little?" Jo -- the annoying girl my evil husband made me kidnap and tie to a chair won't stop talking! I think I honestly prefer my husband's whining baby more.

She keeps crying and calling out for mama no matter what I do. I cradle her in my arms and rock her. 'Mama'. I sing to her. 'Mama'. I feed her. She spits up on me and then cries 'mama'. I gave her a bottle of warm milk I found in her room which she also spit up on me before calling out for her mama.

The babysitter just cheers on the baby spitting up on me, which does absolutely nothing for me. She is also tied to a chair. Her name is Cleo.

To tell you the truth, if I was a baby, I'd spit up on me too. If only she would understand me when I tell her, I'm not going to hurt her. I just need to bide my time. Wait it out.

I have a plan. I'm not going to hurt anyone. My face is too pretty to go to jail! I'd be eaten up alive.

But, I have to be careful because if Dean thinks for a second that I will betray him, then it's over and I no longer can help anyone.

I take out Jo's phone that she gave to me when I had a knife to her throat. Not my proudest moment. She told me her pass code, so I have no trouble getting into her phone and seeing her contacts.

The person she was going to call is listed as 'man-child'. Interesting title for someone she was calling to help her.

I roll my eyes. Kids will be kids.

And then I text 'man-child' exactly where we are.

Take that Dean!