Worth It

(14) Lover's Quarrel

I do not own the Above video. It is by the YouTube channel Cut called: Why I Cut Myself. Fair warning, the video is a little unsettling and one girl shows her scars and that was kind of difficult for me to see, but why I chose this video is because a lot of people don't understand why people would go to such drastic measures of physically harming yourself. It is like any bad habit. It is like an alcoholic driven to the bottle or that drug or a car thief waiting for their next adrenaline rush. People don't realize that cutting is exactly like that because those people drinking or car thieving or stealing for no apparent reason get addicted and can't stop. Whether life is unsatisfying, they don't want to feel anymore, feel they need to punish themselves, want to feel something, etc. Cutting is still kind of taboo, but guess what? People do it and you can pretend that it doesn't exist. That people don't get severely injured by it or don't die from it, but that's not the truth because they do. People cut. People get hurt. People die. It is sad, but hell if it's not true. You don't have to watch the video up above as it could be upsetting to you, but I think it's worth giving it a chance if you think you are up to watching it. If you're not, that's okay too! Thanks for reading this note and my story!!!! I really appreciate it, peeps!! Happy reading!! <3 <3 :)

Zara: six years ago (The first time Zara ever cut herself)

When I realized I would never be able to speak to my parents again, I felt this crushing weight on my chest. It was like someone had piled a million rocks on top of my chest and the more I tried to get them off of me, the more the rocks crushed me.

I'm not the same. I'll never be the same.

My parents had just died over two months ago and the weight of it all just hit me. I am parent-less. I would be an orphan if it weren't for my brother and why would he give away his future for someone as worthless as me? I am a waste of space.

He had a chance. He's smart. He was almost there. Why did he do it?

I'm too scared to ask him that because what if when I ask him that, he'll realize that he's making the wrong decision and leave me? I'll be all alone. No parents. No brother.

I may not like myself very much right now for being the cause of my parents death, despite what my brother may tell me, (I am just a kid. I couldn't have known) I know the truth.

If it wasn't for me, my parents would still be alive.

"Are you gonna just stand there?" Zayne glanced my way from where he was standing by the kitchen sink cleaning a knife. "Or are you gonna help me?"

I tried to muster up some type of response. Tried to get my feet to move and help him, but I couldn't. Instead, all I could do was study the steak knife he was currently wiping off.

It glinted in the moonlight. So shiny. So sharp. So strong.

And as I was studying the knife, I couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to have it glide on my skin. What would it feel like? Would it hurt? Would it release me from my pain?

"Zara!" Zayne yelled, snapping his fingers to get my attention. "Dishes, please." He reminded me again and this time I managed to get my feet to move and I helped him wash the rest of the dishes. All the while, wanting that knife on my skin and as much as I tried to make the feeling go away, I was hopelessly mesmerized by that knife.

It was like a shiny new toy to me and I wanted to play with it.

So bad.

Zara: Now

Time seemed to freeze for a minute. Cameron came back for me. What did that mean? That he cared?

And I was currently naked with an equally naked Melia. I was in her arms and when he came in, we broke apart surprised by the unexpected interference.

"Shit!" Cameron moved his eyes to the ground. "Don't you ever lock your door?" He asks me as he looks me in the eye, making it a point to not let his eyes travel to my body.

Why did I want him to look?

"And who's that?" He flung his left hand to Melia without bothering to look at her. A hint of emotion in his voice. Jealousy sparked in his eyes, before his face went back to his perfect blank expression.

Why was he jealous and why did I want him to be?

"Hey!" Melia stepped in front of me and I quickly grabbed two t-shirts from my closet. I put the light blue one on me and gave the yellow one to Melia. She gave me an appreciative smile before she put it on and then turned back to glare at Cameron.

I feel like if there was ever a time to have popcorn, it would be now because something told me this would be entertaining. Too bad I was involved instead of an outsider looking in.

"First off," She started as she looked Cameron straight in the eye as if she was six feet tall. "This is Zara's room." She gestured to me before moving on. "So, you can't just barge in here and then ask who I am." She points out. "Also, I auditioned for the dance team." She said to him in a tone that implied that he was dumb as bricks. Self-absorbed is more like it. "I got in." She added when it seemed to not be ringing any bells to Cameron. "We kissed." She stated as a last ditch effort and his face lit up with recognition.

Me and Melia both shared a look that implied that boys are misogynistic nymphomaniacs that don't care about anyone besides their dicks.

"Right." I take a deep breath. Once I realize nobody else is going to speak, I decide I should, since it's my room and all. "You've got to go." I walk to the already open door and gesture with my hands for him to leave as I hold the door for him.

He starts to leave, but stops. I really should remember to lock the damn door! They should have an app for when you think you're going to want to have some privacy, like how they have an app for when you're scheduled to take the pill and all. Although--

"Can we talk?" He asks gently, but the way his eyes bore into mine give away his true emotions.

"Why?" I ask. "So you can yell at me?" I counter.

Cameron

God, this woman is so frustrating!

"No." I reply while thinking, yes. I mean, what was she thinking having meaningless sex after her emotions are high?

And that's when I realize what a major Hypocrite I'm being. I mean, I have meaningless sex after a spike in my emotions all the time. In fact, that is probably the very reason why I have sex and I want to what? Berate Zara for doing the exact same thing? She's an adult and therefore she can do whatever or whoever the hell she wants.

Then why does that very thought make me want to take her by her blonde roots and stick her in my parent's basement?

"You know what?" I shake my head. "You're right. I just came in here to say that I'm sorry for my initial reaction." I look her in the eyes with as much sincerity in my eyes as I can muster, so she knows that I mean it. "I was just caught off guard, but if you ever need someone to talk to--" Oh no. Can't finish that sentence. Why the hell did I start it?

Oh, shit. Now, She's looking at me with expectancy. She wants me to finish the sentence. "You can talk to your new girlfriend." I gesture at Melia pointedly and then walk out of Zara's dorm room without so much as a glance back.