I Am Me When I'm With You (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 16

I stare at nothingness. I can feel my hands sweating and shaking. Pakiramdam ko nawalan ng kulay ang mukha ko. Gusto kong ikwento sa iba. Hindi ko kayang dalhin ang lahat ng ito sa dibdib ko. Pero kanino? Kanino ako hihingi ng tulong? Sino ang makakaintindi sakin? Pakiramdam ko wala.

Ang sabi sa letter, lahat may sikreto. It means, I can't trust anyone. I want to trust everyone around me but since the messages arrived and until earlier, it seems like I have the right to doubt everyone. Who to trust? Who should not? My mind is in chaos right now.

"Baby, are you fine? What happened inside the comfort room? What makes you feel scared?" Nag-aalalang tanong ni Zane. We're on our way home. Hindi niya ako kinausap simula kanina dahil siguro naramdaman niya ang takot ko. Ngayon lang dahil sa red light.

"Even him. He's full of secrets."

I shook my head at him. "I-I don't know. I don't know." Wala akong masabi. Honestly, I really don't know. I'm out of words. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to say, and I don't know what to do. This is frustrating me.

Tumigil ang sasakyan sa tapat ng bahay. "I'm tired. I just want to rest." I told Zane gave a peck on his lips.  I immediately went out without waiting for his answer. I went to my room and lie.

I can't believe it. I almost die there. It's just a matter of seconds and I will be stabbed. I don't know them but they know me. I hate this! I hate how innocent I am. Who are them in my life? Is there something I need to know? But then, how will I know it? To whom should I ask?

I shook my head. This is nothing. I should ignore this.

"Don't ignore the letters 'cause it will lead you to danger."

THEN WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Hindi na ako lumabas ng kwarto. Natatakot akong mapansin ni Mama at Papa na may bumabagabag sakin. I can't answer their questions if ever. I'm lost of words. Even me can't explain what's happening.

They should leave me alone. They are messing my life.

I told Mama that I'm full. Luckily, she didn't ask anything. I sleep that night, bothered. My mind's in turmoil. I prayed for it to stop. I just can't deal with this. Isa ako sa taong hindi napapakali ang buong sistema kapag nag-iisip. Pakiramdam ko kasi, mababaliw ako kapag nag o-overthink ako. Reason why I always push the thoughts away.

Zane:
You can open up with me when you're ready. I'll wait.

Zane:
Whatever happened in there, I know everything will be alright. I love you baby.

I didn't reply to Zane's messages that night. But I know, his assurance made me calm down. He really kept me sane. I hope. I hope that everything's gonna be alright.

Days passed by and I succeeded on pushing away my negative thoughts. Tomorrow is Christmas. Zane will be with his family until new year so we wouldn't see each other for days since they are flying tomorrow to New York. I got sad when I heard that news to him but it's already a tradition to them, and I can't stop it.

"Tatawagan mo ako lagi." I said.

Zane's here again in the house. Dito na lang kami dahil ayokong lumabas. Para akong na trauma noong last time na umalis ako ng bahay. Narito kami sa rooftop, hapon na kaya hindi na masyadong mainit.

"Of course." He smile.

I sigh. "I'm gonna miss you." Kahit lagi naman kaming magkausap, lagi ko parin siya nami miss. Nasanay na ako sa presensya niya kaya ganito nalang ang nararamdaman ko.

He hug me from behind. I intertwined our hands. "Me too, baby. Me too."

Silence envelope us. Napakasarap damhin ng katahimikan lalo na kung kasama mo ang mahal mo. It just feel so relaxing. Seems like everything is on its right place.