Persphyni : I am Darkness

66

I remained standing on the wall as I lost sight of Bellamy. Holding my tongue as I remained blank faced. Once I was sure they had left, I let myself crash.

I slumped onto the platform. Wrapping my arms around my knees as I pulled them to my chest. My eyes sprinkled with slight tears. I sniffled, forcing them away. I'm doing this for them. For my family. For the 100. For Clarke. For Octavia, Jasper, Raven, Finn. For Bellamy.

I'm doing this for them.

My eyes dried as I became determined. Long ago I'd be the one killing, now I will be the one who is killed. I am the darkness, and it was time for me to let the light shine.

I leant my head back against the wall. Watching the white smoke drift into the atmosphere. The sudden quiet startling. All I could hear was my own breathing as I sat on the wall.

I pulled my dagger from its sheath, my gun from my waistband. Chuckling slightly as I remembered how I got them. I wonder if Miller's dad was on the dropship too. If any of the 100's parents were on that dropship.

I set the two weapons down to my right as I straightened out my right leg and draped my left arm on my left knee. The next thing I did was pull my walkie from my waistband. Setting it in my right palm and resting the back of my hand against my thigh.

My finger hovered over the button, but what would I say?

Bye?

Don't wait for me?

Stay safe?

Or how about, "yeah, I'm only joking. I'm not meeting you in three days, so don't panic. I'm probably dead." Cause that would go down just fine.

I set the walkie to the side and looked at the dropship. Then skimmed the empty camp. Maybe the grounders'll think we left. And I can live in the dropship. The metal hunk of a space craft taunted me with its open ramp. As if begging me to go in and close it for good.

I sat there on the wall just taking in the silence. This is what I wanted wasn't it? What I've tried to get three times now. To be alone. Like I've always been.

And somehow, every single time I tried to run, there was always one reoccurring theme. Bellamy. But now he was the one running away, and I wanted him to.

Yet, I didn't.

I closed my eyes, letting myself remember. Letting myself just sit there and relax. Forgetting my impending sacrifice.

I remembered the first time I met Wells. When I first hugged Clarke. My first ground kill and saving both Octavia and Jasper as he got them both out of the water. My second ground kill and saving the idiot known as Bellamy. I laughed, remember how he literally just stood there.

I remembered when Murphy figured out I was Songbird. The nickname seemed so long ago. It all seemed so long ago. Atom. Charlotte and Wells. Becoming an official leader with Clarke and Bellamy. Learning I wasn't an orphan.

I remembered when the pod came down, the fight with Bellamy, then the grounders. Learning they could speak English. Then having to go find Octavia. Meeting Lincoln. Trying to run the first time. The hallucinations. The guns. Unity day.

The way everyone was smiling, just enjoying life, and Monty's Unity Juice. Then my two co-leaders forcing me into the party. Clarke trying to get me to dance. Bellamy actually making me dance. The memory sent my stomach into a knot.

The bridge, Anya, the crash. Trying to leave for a second time getting it delayed by Murphy and stopped by Bellamy. The illness. Blowing the bridge. Murphy's revenge. Bellamy nearly dying. Me hesitating.

I remembered all of it. I wanted to remember the moments I truly lived before I died. The grounders wanted me alive. But I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. Tonight, should they come I would fight. And when the time comes, I will die.

I will die for them. All of them.

"But oh, my heart was flawed
I knew my weakness
So hold my hand
Consign me not to darkness

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all the way
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all the way
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace" I paused, humming the instrumentals. Letting myself breath in and out, relaxing as I smiled in the sun.

"So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I can take the road and I can fuck it all the way
But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate"

"Grounders!" I was up in a split second. Gun secured, walkie on my waistband and dagger in hand. That was Jasper.

Looks like I'll don the crown again.