Star Wars Texts

the hat of truth

Anakin:  hey guys guess what I got

Rex:  is that a sombrero?

Ahsoka:  let me get my maracas

Anakin:  no it's this hat I got from the voodoo store down the street.  Apparently, if you wear it, it makes you say the truth

Rex:  we could interrogate our enemies a lot easier with this hat

Cody:  and I can find out which of my men keeps eating my Doritos

Wooley:  hmm, my money's on boil

Cody:  Wooley, put on the hat

*anakin puts the hat on Wooley who is running away*

Cody:  Wooley, have you been stealing my Doritos

Wooley:  yes

Cody:  I KNEW IT

Wolffe:  it's always the innocent looking ones

Cody: now we can figure out everyone's deepest, darkest secrets. MWAHAHAHA

Obi wan: Cody

Cody: sorry, general

Jesse: hey I wanna try the hat! *wears the hat*

Jesse: ask me anything!!

Kix: where were you last night when we were supposed to meet up for drinks

Jesse: I got arrested for shooting a senator with a water gun...

Rex: YOU WHAT

Jesse: okay I regret wearing this hat

Hardcase: in his defense, Jesse was drunk

Dogma: you were there too?

Hardcase: yeah, fox wasn't happy about that. He thought it was a real gun

Kix: either way, I didn't get to get wasted last night because of Jesse not showing up

Kix: thanks a lot

Ahsoka: I think we should make Anakin wear the hat

Anakin: O_O

Obi wan: I agree, Anakin, put on the hat *puts the hat on anakin*

Anakin: oh man here we go

Obi wan: finally, now I get the chance to know the thing about you that I've been wondering for years

Anakin: *gulp*

Obi wan: why are you so weird?

Anakin: why are YOU so weird

Obi wan: ugh, Anakin, why are you so DIFFERENT from all the other Jedi

Anakin: probably because I wasn't kidnapped and brainwashed at the age of three

Plo: good point

Anakin: okay, moving on now

Rex: wait, we still have more questions!

Fives: yeah! Are you married??

Anakin: duh

Ahsoka: have you killed women and children??

Anakin: you didn't have to make me wear a voodoo hat to tell you that, but yeah

Obi wan: Anakin...

Anakin: oh come on! I was just blowing off a little steam

Plo: there are... nonviolent ways of blowing off steam too...

Rex: I think we're wasting a perfect opportunity to figure out some really good strategies on how to win this war

Rex: general, how do you suppose we beat dooku?

Anakin: the only way you're gonna kill him is by sneaking into his ship. Trust me, I know

Ahsoka: what do you mean you know

Anakin: one time I disguised myself as nute gunray and boarded his ship. I was so close to killing dooku

Obi wan: yes anakin, we all know how good you are at killing people

Cody: and not just the men-

Ahsoka: but what stopped you from killing dooku

Anakin: I really had to go to the bathroom

Rex: sir, did you use Dooku's bathroom..?

Tup: *throws up*

Dogma: umm, I don't think that's the kind of place you want to go to the bathroom

Echo: yeah, I bet there's spiders in there

Obi wan: so you were THIS close to killing dooku, but you had to go to the bathroom?!!!

Anakin: in my defense, dooku was serving some really delicious blue lemonade and I pretty much drank three gallons of that stuff

Anakin: and the nute gunray costume was getting really itchy so I had to abort the mission

Rex: well that sucks

Wolffe: this hat is stupid. Rex asked Skywalker how to beat dooku and all we got was a story about Anakin's tiny bladder

Anakin: no it's not!

Ahsoka: what? The hat being stupid or your tiny bladder?

Anakin: both

Plo: I think we should test the hat one more time

Cody: I volunteer fives. I bet he's got a juicy story

Fives: *wears the hat*

Plo: fives, who is the Sith Lord?

Fives: that would be chancellor palpatine, also known as darth sidious. He orchestrated the clone war and has been playing both sides of it. He has been grooming his next apprentice for years to also become a fearsome Sith Lord. He also had the kaminoans put chips in our heads that will make us turn on the Jedi when the time has come, allowing palpatine to destroy the Jedi order and kill democracy, creating the first galactic empire under rule of the Sith.

Everyone: ...

Anakin: yeah this hat is busted

Obi wan: lol imagine if that were true

Plo: then we'd all be toast

Ahsoka: but what if he's right-

Anakin: nahhhh

If only the Jedi had a few more brain cells, am I right ?

POV: You're allowed to place one F bomb in the prequel trilogy (or even clone wars), where do you put it?

I think that honor should be bestowed on Mace Windu. When he's blocking palpatine's sparky hands in revenge of the Sith he could be like "DONT F***ING LISTEN TO HIM ANAKIN!"