Chasing Sunsets

1

"Kish" san mo balak mag take ng entrance exam? may mga plano ka na ba? sabay tayo ha" It's Iza ang kaibigan naming bakla and also known as the leader of the squad

"Naghahanap palang pero gusto ko sa malayo, gusto ko magdorm." sabi ko naman

"Ay bet ko din yan sama sama tayo sa dorm, saya siguro non" sabat naman ni Kristine or also known as Tin

I always wanted to get to Senior high school in different town because they have that saying that "Senior High School will be the real world". "Senior High School is the real life".

And almost all of my friends wanted to go to school far from our town and they even want to go to different provinces. Siguro I just wanted a new environment.

But still I want to be serious in my dream which is to become successful writer someday. It's a promise to my Lola who passed away so I need to fulfill it. I also wanted to take Legal Management and pursue Lawyer pero kasi I want to pursue writing kasi parang yun nalang yung nag uugnay sa amin ni Lola. Natatakot kasi ako na makalimutan ko siya and I don't want that to happen. Atleast diba kapag naging writer na ako nakatanim na sa mind ko na I became writer because of my Lola.

I want her to be proud of me, I want her to look down here on earth and when she see me living my dream she'll smile. Since I was born I knew that she was there, always. Actually I love her more than my own mom. She become my second mom since because when I was a kid my parents work abroad and I was left at my Lolas house. Naaalala ko never niya akong pinagalitan kahit na napakakulit ko as a kid. Never niya akong pinagbuhatan ng kamay at never akong nakarinig ng sermon mula sa kanya. She was so kind and so loving. Siya yung tumayong ina ko growing up. Lahat ng gusto ko nabibigay niya. Ayaw niya rin na pinapagalitan kami as a way of discipline kasi pwede naman daw kaming madisiplina in a nice way.

I don't really have a particular school to go yet, but a University that performs well, known and has quality education would be the best. Basta yung okay ang facility and way of teaching nila okay na yun.

I just want to know more about life and I want to learn to become independent because after those toxic shits happened in my life these years I want to have peace. Theres this feeling na parang gusto kong baguhin yung way of life na nakasanayan ko. Gusto kong pumunta sa isang lugar na walang nakakakilala sa akin, walang judgements at gusto kong magsimula ulit. Never namang magiging huli ang pagbabago.

I want to have peace within myself and a solitude to call my home. When you're alone, you're safe and no one can hurt you.

Junior High School was like a rising action of life. We experiences the best and the worse scenarios that we didn't expect that we can do. Looking back I didn't even know why I did that. It feels like a nightmare and I don't want to look back. Maybe I fear of making it happen again so that sobrang naapektuhan niya yung way of thinking ko.

Well, we were just a teenagers that discovering the world, the life and ourselves.

And we want to learn more, to discover more adventures and to find where we really want to be and what we want to do in life, pero atleast I learn something and I can see growth within myself.

JHS was so tiring and I just want to end it yet. It was so exhausting and thankfully a few more months it will be done. This chapter of our lives will soon close.

We've gain friends, betrayed by friends so that we were only 6 in the circle now, but even if that happens the important thing is we've learned from it. Its a lesson that we can apply in the future.

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"Akiesha saan mo balak mag aral ng senior high? It would be better kung doon ka nalang sa University kung saan nagtapos kuya mo at ng mabantayan ka din ng Ate mo" Mama said

"Ma, I have a school in mind already, kasama ko po sina Iza mag te take ng exam by next week siguro." I replied

"Keisha di na ba kayo nagsasawang magkakasama? Mas maganda sana kung kasama mo nalang ang ate mo para mabantayan ka sa pag-aaral mo baka mamaya magbulakbol ka nanaman"

And here we go again with the never ending sermon everyday. Kaya ko lang naman nagawa yun kasi siguro hinanap ko sa school yung mga bagay na hindi ko mahanap sa aming tahanan. Masisisi niyo ba ako?

She's at it again slapping me with the mistakes I don't want to remember because it was so traumatic and it gives me anxiety. Bakit parang wala na akong karapatang magbago? Siguro ito yung disadvantage ng pagiging achiever since I was a kid. They always want me to achieve more, eh paano naman ako? paano naman yung life ko outside the house and outside the school? Siguro na pressure ako. Kapag kasi alam nilang growing up achiever kana never na nilang ma-a-appreciate yun instead parang nag fail ako as a daughter kapag bumaba grades ko.

Napahiwalay ako sa squad namin ni Iza noon at nakalimutan ko na rin ang reason kasi kinalimutan ko ng nangyari sa buhay ko iyon.

I've cut class for almost a month, napabarkada ako. Nasama sa grupo ng mga umiinom tho di naman ako umiinom I just want their vibe because it was new to me siguro and na aliw lang ako. I never experienced that feeling eh, yung wala kang iniisip, yung pakiramdam na buhay na buhay ka. Masaya lang, chill lang and for a moment nakalimutan ko yung pressure sa mga responsibilities ko. I know my limitation naman and I am still responsible that time dahil kasali pa rin naman ako sa top.

Until the day na nalaman ng school ng pinag gagagawa namin dahil someone in the group betrayed us and my parents knew it.

My Dad didn't say a word and he just said na naniniwala siya sa akin at may tiwala siya sa akin while my mom was so mad that she even wanted me to stop studying.

And she always bringing my past whenever I made a mistake, even a very little one and I hate it because I know I always have the right to change my life.

She always wanted me to follow the footsteps of my siblings to become an engineer or architect kasi they wanted to build a construction company but my passion is to become a writer. She doesn't want that, wala daw akong future sa pagiging writer and yes it hurts.

Imagine you dream to become a writer and make your own money so that you can make your parents retire early pero yung mismong taong gusto mong pag alayan ng pangarap mo ay siya pang hindi sumusuporta sayo.

The attention she's giving to my siblings and me we're not the same that sometimes even my siblings notice it but I'm still lucky because my siblings were there to fill her shortcomings.

Minsan gusto ko nalang sumabog at magrant sa kaniya kaso di ko kaya. Gusto ko nalang sabihin na "Gusto niyo na i control ako sa acads bakit minsan ba natanong niyo sa akin kung okay pa ba ako? Masaya ba ako? Kung paano ako sa school? Kung kamusta ang araw ko and such?" Minsan kailangan ko din ng gabay, kaso doon sila nagkukulang eh.

but I will pursue my passion no matter what, as long as naniniwala pa rin sakin si Papa at sinusuportahan pa ako ng mga kapatid at kaibigan ko.

Nag e-excel naman ako sa writing eh. I am a campus journalist since elementary naco-contest at laging nakukuha sa place at naging editor-in-chief na din ako sa campus journ this Junior high school.

I made a mistake and I learned from it and now aayusin ko na ang buhay ko. My past won't define me. Lahat tayo nagkakamali, nadadapa pero nasa sa iyo kung gusto mong magbago o mananatili ka nalang nakalugmok.

I will continue pursuing this passion until I make them believe in me and eventually make them proud someday.

I know this are just challenges and stepping stone in disguise to achieve my dreams and goals.

I may not be as studious as my Kuya or as intelligent than my Ate but I know I excel in my own path. The end of this road that I am about to take will lead me to place where I really belongs.

Magkaiba kami ng path and I know naman na if I will work hard maybe same lang kami ng outcome.