always...

chapter 18 - daisuga

"umm...sure...i-i guess..." suga mumbled.

suga didn't want to get his hopes up because there were several ways that this conversation could go.

does he want me back? is he with someone else now? did something worse happen with his parents?

his thoughts were endless and there was no sure way of knowing what daichi was going to tell him, yet suga couldn't help but hope that daichi would ask to be together again. it had been three weeks since daichi asked for his "break", but suga doubted that that was enough time for him to sort out his life.

"look, kōshi...i-it's hard for me to do this, so please understand...a-and hear me out, okay?"

suga nodded hesitantly before daichi continued.

"i didn't want you to find out from anyone else, so please let me explain first..."

oh fuck...he's not going to say what i think he's going to say...right??

"michimiya and i are dating."

there it is.

suga froze. his heart dropped and his knees went weak. it took every muscle in suga's body for him not to collapse on the spot in the middle of the sidewalk. daichi had already shattered his heart once, but this time it felt like his heart was thrown through a woodchipper countless times, crumbling it into mere dust.

suddenly, suga felt his face heat up as his body began to fill with rage from the betrayal he felt.

"i'm sorry...what?? you're fucking unbelievable," suga shook his head, scoffing.

"kōshi, listen, ple-" daichi pleaded.

"no! you know what? i don't have to do a fucking thing you say! bullshit!! everything you said to me that day was fucking BULLSHIT!!! a 'break'?! are you FUCKING kidding me??? 'time and space to figure everything out' MY ASS! god, i can't believe you i-" suga ranted.

"SUGAWARA LISTEN TO ME. PLEASE!" daichi interrupted. "i know what i said, and i'm sorry...really i am. i didn't think things would turn out like this. shit happens and you can't plan for everything...hanging out with michimiya lately...she gets it. her parents got divorced a few years ago and she's one of the only people that really understands what i'm going through and we just connected...i don't know how else to explain it," he finished.

"daichi...i-i did everything you asked. i gave you your time and space that you asked for. i haven't said a word to you since then, i haven't bothered you at all because i trusted that you would come back to me when you were ready. but here you go replacing me instead...do you understand what i've been putting myself through just to make sure i gave you what you said you needed?"

"i know, kōshi. don't you dare think that i haven't noticed you isolating yourself and how you always show up to class half asleep. i remember your habits whether you realize it or not and it kills me to see you like that, but i-i'm sorry okay? i can't control how i feel and i like yui and i wanted to give it a shot...i don't know what else you want me to say," daichi rambled.

suga held his breath, trying to keep his voice from trembling as he began to speak.

"daichi, i still love you...i know that that's not what you want to hear right now, but i love you. if this is what you want to do, then fine. i'll put myself through even more pain than i already have these past few weeks if that's what it's going to take for you to understand just how much i care about you and to realize that i will wait for you," suga said quietly, tears in his hazel eyes and his voice quivering as he choked back a sob.

"kōshi, no. y-you can't do that...you have to move on...please! this isn't a break anymore, this is real. i can't have you suffering on my account when it has nothing to do you with anymore," daichi begged.

"i meant what i said when i told you that i'd always be here for you. i don't care that we're not together anymore...i'm always here, daichi," suga replied, as he reached out to hold daichi's hand.

"suga...no. i can't," daichi pulled away, leaving suga's outstretched hand hanging. "i'm sorry...i-i have to go."

daichi turned away without taking a second glance back at the setter, leaving him standing there yet again.

*trigger warning: self-harm, substance use, graphic descriptions*

suga couldn't recall what happened next, but suddenly he was back at home and he found himself standing in front of his bathroom mirror. tears free flowing down his face, he stared at his reflection, angry and confused.

look at yourself. you're pathetic. crying again like the little bitch that you are. see? you were never good enough for him. he replaced you so quickly, yet here you are clinging to false hope and unrealistic expectations. give up already. give in.

almost automatically, suga locked the door and turned on the bathroom vent to help muffle the sounds of his desperate cries. he grabbed the bottle of vodka he had stashed in his cabinet and chugged the clear liquid until he choked.

his vision was blurry, the tears in his eyes distorting all that he could see. but he didn't need to see to know exactly where they were.

he reached down towards the bottom drawer and stuck his hand all the way in the back underneath several pieces of random junk before pulling out a small box of razor blades.

he hadn't touched this box in almost a year, but here he was again, returning to his old destructive habits.

the box was still half full, as suga picked up one of the blades, his hand trembling.

do it. you know you want to. you know you deserve it. you're worthless. you deserve to feel this way. this is your punishment for never being enough. it's all your fault.

his skin ached for the familiar pain he had grown addicted to in the past. his old scars were fading, but all that time healing was about to go to waste.

slowly, suga dragged the blade across his wrist, the pricking sensation followed by the dull stinging, seeming barely noticeable to him.

more. more. more. one for every night you cried yourself to sleep.

suga could barely see what he was doing anymore as he let his instincts control his every move. his breathing grew heavier and more uneven, the more blood he began to lose.

just before he was about to pass out, he managed to toss the blade into the trash, his dried blood looking just like rust on the edges of it. his cuts had already began to clot and he didn't bother to clean them or wrap them.

he threw on his usual stained long sleeve t-shirt and immediately collapsed in his bed.

let them get infected for all i care, suga thought to himself, his mind dizzy and lightheaded.

finally, suga passed out in bed, appearing to be asleep when his mom came in to check on him later that night.

even though suga was barely aware of what he had done, it was like he subconsciously knew to clean up his mess in the bathroom in order to hide his problems from his family.

and while suga was out cold, the hidden cuts on his wrists being the only evidence of his breakdown, the rest of his family and his friends remained blissfully oblivious.