always...

chapter 17 - daisuga

three weeks post-break up (july)

"please...please don't leave me...i-i love you, daichi...don't lea-!" suga exclaimed, suddenly sitting up in his bed, cold beads of sweat coating his forehead.

the same nightmare...over and over again for a month now. except, it wasn't really a nightmare anymore. daichi had really left him, and suga was more broken than ever.

the gray haired teen glanced over at the clock on his nightstand. 3:29am. he let out a deep sigh and wiped the tears that had already formed in the corners of his eyes using the crimson stained sleeve of his t-shirt.

he laid back down on his bed and willed himself to go back to sleep. knowing that he couldn't, he reached over to open the top drawer of his nightstand and took out a small container.

suga could never get sufficient sleep these days without popping 3 melatonin tablets which he stole from his mom, even though the recommended dose was only 1. the extra melatonin knocked him out easily, allowing him to go back to sleep until morning without more nightmares. however it did leave him more sluggish than usual, not that he was complaining since it left him less aware of daichi at school too.

it was the same almost every night since it happened. falling asleep crying. waking up around 3am in a cold sweat. the same nightmare. 3 melatonin tablets. drowsy mornings. the cycle repeated over and over.

although suga did have people he could talk to, for some reason he chose to suffer alone, feeling like he'd be a burden to everyone around him. and so he kept his mouth shut, plastering on the most genuine smile he could muster each day, assuring his friends and teammates that he was fine.

he was not fine.

there were some days when he was more aware of daichi than others. constantly glancing at him from across the room during class. following him out of class from about 10 feet away so he wouldn't notice. staring at him during practices.

suga couldn't help but long for daichi's embrace, especially considering how lonely he felt the more he isolated himself from his friends. he even went as far as skipping lunch to go sit outside the gym alone and listen to the playlist he made for his ex-lover instead.

but lately, things were different. the last few days, suga noticed that daichi was no longer walking between classes alone. nowadays, he was always accompanied by someone else.

by yui michimiya.

suga and michimiya were good friends, actually. they grew closer during their second year because they had so many classes together, and yui knew all about suga and daichi. he trusted her, even though they'd been distant these days due to their respective busy schedules.

the setter kept telling himself that it was fine. it wasn't weird.

daichi and michimiya are friends too...i mean they're both captains after all. i'm sure they're just friends...right? yui wouldn't do that to me...right? suga constantly tried to reassure himself.

but no matter how many times he repeated this to himself, every time he saw them together he couldn't ignore the sick feeling that sank in the pit of his stomach. he felt like something seemed different between them recently, yet suga constantly tried to shake his suspicion, choosing to trust michimiya instead.

all of his anxious thoughts swirled around in his mind constantly, causing him to scratch at the year-old scars on his wrists, itching to be reopened.

you're going to be replaced. you weren't enough for him. she's better than you. she's better for him. why did he ever love you anyway? he won't ever want you back. give up. give up. give up.

suga just wanted to scream. it was like all of his insecurities and pent up thoughts were strangling him, tearing him apart, and dragging him deeper and deeper into the depths of self-deprecation, but he had no one to hold on to. he used to, but not anymore.

days went by, which turned into weeks, all of which were simply repetitive in suga's otherwise chaotic mind. the only thing that helped calm him these days was his music. he always had earbuds in: during class, in the halls, at home. the only time he didn't was at practice.

he relied on the noise to drown out the constant turmoil that went on inside his head, even though the emotion he felt through the songs sometimes made him hurt more.

suga only felt three different emotions these days: depressed, anxious, and tired. but sometimes he just felt numb and emotionless, remaining withdrawn and quiet.

today he felt tired. tired from a lack of quality sleep. tired of dealing with his restless thoughts. tired of feeling irrelevant. tired of existing the way he was.

after what seemed like an eternity, practice finally ended and suga headed home.

he grabbed his volleyball bag from the side of the gym and changed into his normal sneakers. he took a few sips of water before throwing the bottle back into his bag, and slinging it over his right shoulder.

as he stepped out of the gym, he felt a familiar hand clutch his other shoulder.

shit. i can't deal with this right now. not now, god please no.

suga turned around to face him. him and his dark brown hair and matching chocolate colored eyes. suga froze and couldn't help but admire his appearance, despite the sharp pain he suddenly felt in his chest.

"dai-daichi?"

"kōshi...can we talk?"