always...

chapter 32 - daisuga

"daichi...d-do you...do you still love me?"

suga's words rang through daichi's mind over and over again as he sat there, stunned.

"i-i...suga...i..."

do i still love him?? why would he ask me that? i know i said 'always'...but is that still true? i know i still care about him of course...but do i love him? shit...how the hell am i supposed to answer him?

"just spit it out daichi. i need to know...please," suga urged, his voice breaking slightly.

"i...i-i don't know, kōshi..." daichi stuttered under his breath.

"w-what do you mean you don't know? that's not an answer..." suga mumbled, his eyes still gleaming with tears.

"i don't know."

"but what does that mean?"

"suga...listen," daichi took suga's hand in his, gripping it lightly and stroking it with his thumb.

"of course i still care about you...that won't ever change. honestly, i think we both will always have a soft spot for each other at least...so-" daichi started.

"but do you still love me?" suga interrupted, the desperation in his tone becoming more clear.

daichi paused.

do i? yes, you do. what? no, i don't. i love yui. don't lie to yourself. i'm not lying- yes, you are. it's suga. it always has been, and always will be. just stop. then stop lying to yourself. shut up...shut up! shut up!

"i...kōshi..."

"...well?" the setter continued, the slightest glint of hope evident in his eyes.

no. i can't lead him on if i'm not sure. you love him. no...i don't know...yes, you do. but i don't want to lie to him either...

"i...no, kōshi. i don't love you anymore."

"oh."

every last ounce of hope that suga held in his fragile heart was instantly shattered, the pieces, broken shards of glass scattered across the club room floor.

suga didn't know what else to say. all of the warmth in his body seemed to have suddenly left, leaving him feeling cold and numb. he stared at the floor, not blinking once as he slowly pulled his hands from daichi's.

"i'm sorry, kōshi..." daichi mumbled as he dropped his own hands back down into his lap and began fiddling with his fingers.

"tell coach i'm feeling sick...i'm going home...i-i can't...i don't-" suga stammered.

"are you sure? i can-"

"yes. i'll try and be back tomorrow..." the setter stood up and left the room as quickly as he could before daichi tried to follow him.

he grabbed his bag from the gym before anyone had a chance to stop him and immediately began walking home. he needed to be home, otherwise the voices in his head would've torn him apart right then and there.

when he reached his house, he went straight upstairs into the bathroom, lucky that both his parents were still out at work.

*trigger warning: anxiety, panic attack, self-harm, graphic descriptions*

well, well, well...would you look at that? look whose desperate hope got shattered by 5 little words. pathetic. how could you think he could possibly still love you? idiot. you're worthless. insignificant. miserable. it's sad really...

"shut up! just shut the fuck up!" suga screamed at his reflection, throwing a hairbrush at the mirror.

his breathing became unsteady as his heartbeat quickened, beating faster and faster. his chest tightened as he collapsed against the bathroom counter surrounded by the shards of glass that littered the tiles.

suga looked down at his hands, both of them shaking harder than any earthquake imaginable. beads of sweat covered his forehead and began dripping down his face and onto the floor.

i need to stop...i need to feel something...

the teen opened the bottom drawer and impatiently rummaged his hand around to find the box, but to no avail.

"fuck!" he yelled, slamming the drawer shut.

now. now. now! i need to feel something...anything!

he opened his eyes and looked back down at the floor, catching part of his face reflected in a fragment of the mirror.

before he could think twice, he grabbed the glass and dragged it harshly across his forearm, a crimson line following immediately behind. his breathing somehow steadied and his heartbeat slowed, the stinging of the wound rushing him back to reality.

the scarlet fluid gradually oozed out of the gash, dripping down to his wrist and onto the white tiles. suga winced slightly, the intense pain gathering in his arm feeling more prominent than usual without the alcohol to numb his senses.

suga dropped the bloodstained shard onto the floor, leaving his hand with small cuts on his palm from squeezing the glass too hard.

he let his head fall back against the cabinet behind him and closed his eyes, his head feeling lighter and dizzier. he tried to stand, but stumbled as he propped himself up against the sink.

gazing ahead, his distorted reflection staring back at him, almost mocking him to show him how fractured he truly was.

look at yourself...who could ever love someone as broken as you are?