always...

chapter 54 - daichi & suga

early november

it was another school night.

suga sat at his desk up in his room, earbuds in, volume up, focused on his homework that was due to the next day.

the days had begun to blend into one another, each one the same as the last, as suga simply repeated the same routine without end.

wake up, morning practice, school, go home, homework, dinner, homework, sleep.

repeat.

the only variation to this cycle was when suga had work on friday nights and when practice was after school instead of before.

regardless of the now, monotonous, life suga was living, he didn't complain.

having a regular schedule kept his mind from wandering to his more dangerous thoughts.

the thoughts that would bring him to the edge of a dark chasm and threaten to tip him into a downward spiral of panic and oblivion.

the thoughts of daichi...of his own insecurities...of the stress of his life at home.

if he was really honest with himself, he would be grateful that his life finally had some sort of normality to it that distracted him from the abstract.

tonight was no different.

it was just another evening that suga spent stuck at his desk, cranking out answers to his homework late into the cool, quiet, autumn night.

or so he thought.

see, when suga's parents fought with each other, they too, followed their own cycle.

they start out cooperative, loving, and happy.

they'd go on dinner dates every other week and take trips to the coffee shop on the corner for his mother's favorite matcha latte.

but like always, it would digress into petty arguments and minor disagreements.

suddenly, they'd be screaming at each other in the kitchen until their voices were nothing but the scratching of broken records...repeated threats of divorce ringing throughout the room.

days would go by in deafening silence.

they wouldn't talk. they wouldn't sleep in the same room. they wouldn't even look at each other.

but eventually, one of them always gives in and apologies are exchanged for forgiveness and second chances.

and so the cycle repeats.

they start again, cooperative, loving, and happy.

but tonight was different.

suga knew as soon as he started hearing the yelling even through his earbuds at top volume.

he knew when he heard the violent, echoing shatter of broken dishes across the kitchen floor that tonight was going to be worse than other nights.

suga took one earbud out, the once muffled yelling becoming instantly louder regardless of his closed door.

he walked across his room and cracked the door open, trying to figure out just what the argument was about.

"impatient...arrogant asshole!" suga was only able to make out a few fragments of the shouting downstairs.

"can't believe...married for 22 years! ...should have left!"

she's still saying that? sometimes i just wish they'd get a divorce alr-"you should consider yourself lucky that your parents are still together," oikawa's reminder interrupted his impulsive thoughts.

*trigger warning: anxiety, panic attack, breakdown*

smash.

another plate shattered against the cold, hard kitchen tiles.

suga flinched, his heart rate increasing by the second.

he shut the door quietly and slid down with his back against the cool wood.

shit...i don't want to get involved...i can't. i can't...i'm so scared...

suga's breathing quickened, tears pricking the corners of his eyes, threatening to overflow.

he let them.

tears streaked down his face like steady rainfall. slowly, the downpour grew heavier and heavier. suga could taste salt on his lips and on the tip of his tongue as his vision became a cloudy sky before a storm.

an earthquake moved through his body, his breath shaking like the shudders of a window. his chest heaved faster as his cries became more desperate the more he wished for someone to hold him and tell him everything would be okay.

he was alone. he wanted to cry out for help, but the voice in the back of his brain told him he was a burden.

suddenly, he remembered the note that oikawa left on his fractured bathroom mirror.

"you are NEVER alone and you are NOT a burden. please call me next time, okay?"

hands shaking, he reached for his phone in his back pocket. oikawa had put his number on speed dial in suga's phone, making it easier for him to contact the seijoh setter no matter the state he was in.

suga hovered his thumb over the contact before finally giving in and calling him.

the line rang more times that suga could keep track of as tears continued free flowing down his face.

no response.

suga tried once more.

nothing.

suga slammed his fist against the floor, wincing in pain as he scolded himself for ever thinking that he could rely on anyone but himself.

so much for "i will always be here for you" huh?

he didn't know who else to call. he knew he was breaking down and he needed someone, anyone, to talk him through it...to save him before he got sucked back into his downward spiral of bad habits and destructive thoughts.

suga picked up his phone once again.

his hazel eyes were still filled with tears, but he didn't need to see to know exactly which speed dial contact he was about to call.

without a second thought, he clicked the number and listened to the rhythmic ringing, hoping for an answer.

the line rang 5 times before the receiver picked up.

"kōshi?"