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march
"mom! i'm home!" daichi called out, setting his bag on the ground and shutting the front door behind him.
daichi rubbed his half-numb hands together, still shivering slightly from the brisk cold outside.
he hated having to walk everywhere and take public transportation, but what else was he supposed to do?
daichi's mom stood in the doorway that led to the kitchen.
"you didn't call me when you left," she said bluntly.
"i'm sorry, my phone died during my appointment and i-"
"whatever. charge it next time or something."
his mother turned into the kitchen, leaving daichi alone as he took off his jacket and put away his shoes. the captain sighed and followed her, knowing that she wouldn't let him go upstairs to his room without interrogating him first.
"so, how was it?"
"it?"
"your 'appointment,'" she rolled her eyes.
"it was fine...i've been learning a lot about myself actually," daichi admitted.
"hah, like what?" his mom scoffed.
"about my emotions and why i process things the way that i do," daichi answered quietly.
"that sounds kind of useless," she crossed her arms before chuckling to herself, "kinda like your dad."
daichi stayed silent, meticulously deciding on his next response in his head so that he wouldn't provoke his mother again.
"you know, you might even be worse than him in some ways," she began.
daichi stiffened up, knowing that some sort of lashing out was about to come.
"makes me miss your brother even more. why couldn't you be more like him? he's off studying law at one of the best universities in osaka and here you are needing something as desperate as therapy," she jabbed.
"it's not desperate, i'm doing it to work on myse-"
"oh shut up. we both know why you're really going...you're pathetic, just like your dad, you know that?" she cut him off.
"better him than you..." daichi muttered under his breath.
"excuse me?! what the hell did you just say about me?" his mother's tone increased in volume.
"nothing."
"oh, i think we both know you said something. why don't you just spit it out and tell me instead of being a coward?" she provoked daichi further.
"it's better that i'm like dad than you!" daichi blurted out, quickly covering his mouth as he realized what he had just admitted.
"what the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
daichi bit his lip, trying to hold back on everything he had wanted to say to her for months.
"dad isn't useless or pathetic! it's you who has so many problems! all you ever do is point out people's issues and make them feel like it's their fault! for once, would you stop lashing out at me for your anger at dad? and while you're at it, stop comparing me to nii-san!" daichi ranted, his voice shaking with all his pent up rage.
"i did not raise you to be this disrespectful. you better watch you mouth," she warned lowly.
"i don't care anymore! do you realize that all of your insults hurt? even more than dealing with the divorce? did you ever stop to think about how i felt about everything?!" daichi's breathing grew uneven as his tone grew more desperate.
"why should i care? all your problems are your own fault and don't blame me for your lack of resilience in trying to deal with the divorce," she retorted.
"you were never this cruel to me before. i don't know what the hell you and dad went through, but you don't have to take it out on me," daichi answered, trying to maintain what little confidence he had left in his own resolve.
"don't try and turn this on me. don't bring up my problems when you clearly can't even handle your own."
daichi shuddered at the sudden coldness that emanated from his mother's presence.
"...what?" daichi mumbled.
"you heard me. the fact that you need to go to therapy? pathetic! just admit it! you know that it's your fault you lost suga and that it's your fault that you put him in a car accident! that boy was the best thing that ever happened to you and you ruined that all on your own."
"don't bring suga into this!" daichi's heart raced, the rapid beating in his chest vibrating all the way up to his voice. "i'm trying to do better, i really am...you don't have to remind me of how badly i messed up."
"if not me, then who? it's sad daichi. why don't you just own up to it and accept the fact that you probably won't ever get him back? how pathetic can you get?" his mother shook her head, clearly taking daichi's silence as her own win.
daichi left the kitchen and ran up to his room, not bothering to grab his bag at the base of the stairs.
as soon as he got to his room, he sank to his knees with his back against the door.
"arghhh!!" daichi yelled, slamming his head back against the cool wood.
why can't she see that i'm trying? why does she have to remind me of everything i'm always doing wrong?
why? why? why?
daichi got up and began pacing around the room, his mind overtaken by his anxious thoughts.
maybe she's right...maybe i'll never get him back...maybe i really am pathetic.
the captain sat down on the edge of his bed and rested his head in his hands.
maybe it's not worth it...daichi, no, remember what you learned. you can't blame yourself. but it's my fault! i know it is and what if i can't fix it? don't think like that, you need to keep a positive mindse-shut up!
daichi shoved his fingers through his hair, tugging at it roughly the more his guilt gnawed at his insecurities.
i don't want to feel this way again...don't throw away all your hardwork for nothing. you're almost 2 months sober, you can't-just stop! i...i can't do it anymore! i hate feeling like this!
i...i would rather feel nothing.
daichi tiptoed out of his room and down the stairs. his mother had retreated to her home office in the basement and the coast was clear.
without thinking twice, the captain found himself in front of the liquor cabinet.
