ENDLESS

S5 Chapter 17

ISAAC MARTIN

MONTH: JUNE OF THE 8TH GRADE

Ever since I was hospitalized, I've been making small strides to getting better. I've been checking in with professionals, attending therapy, and taking medication.

I no longer suffer to the same extent as I did before with my eating habits, but to say that I'm completely over my bulimia would be wrong. It's a struggle some days, and there are times that I end up binge-eating and feel guilty afterwards. But I try not to beat myself up about it.

Making mistakes is part of the healing process. With any sort of change in your life, any sort of habit that needs to be worked on- it will never be a clear-cut way of never doing it again. It's more of accepting that you might do it again, but you'll keep working towards doing it less and less until eventually you're in a good place.

I'm incredibly grateful to have an amazing support system for those days. Especially my boyfriend.. Griffin.

I tend not to think much about my weight with him constantly complimenting me. More and more, I'm detaching my purpose and self-worth from how much I weigh.

I should eat because it feels good and fuels my body. I should eat for nutrients, to love and cherish my body.

I should eat to take care of myself. And you know what? Sometimes that includes having some cake here and there.

I hope that my mother would be proud of me if she was here. She was so worried about me when I was hospitalized.

Now she isn't here to see the progress I've made. She doesn't know how much I've grown. I'll never get to see her get better, either.

Losing my mother has made me realize a lot. It's left a devastating empty void in my chest that I doubt will ever go away. I have nightmares about her sometimes. But lately, per request of my therapist, I've gathered the strength to look through some of her old items left behind.

I found her old journals. My mother was no stranger to loss. But as she wrote- to embrace life, is to embrace death.

I thought about that quote for a while afterwards. I was on my deathbed because of my own actions. It was fortunate that I hadn't been left to my own devices. I didn't care about my own life or my own body- all that mattered to me was trying to have the perfect body, so that others would think that I'm perfect too.

Life is a precious, incredible thing. There are many factors it took for us to exist. To take in what our ancestors had to go through, the history and journey of their existence- all for us to be here in this moment.. it shouldn't be taken for granted. Because with our lives, we can do amazing things. And fuck it if it's mundane, or not what is expected of us.

You don't have to make an impact on the whole entire world, because within that involves the worlds of the others around you- and damn sure we all make an impact on the worlds of our loved ones.

It's easy for me to say as a royal with a lot of privilege, but it applies to everyone.

I have no one to impress. Not even my own partner. There is no measuring stick for my own value- no superficial values like weight that go into determining my worth as a human being.

I'm getting better and taking care of my body because I want to. Because I'm trying to love myself.

''I'm scared.'' I said to Griffin, resting my head in his lap. We were sitting in the grass of his backyard. He gently ran his fingers through my curls.