Can We Fall, One More Time?

Chapter 29: Unworthy

The first few days were good. We're getting praises saying we ended it so well, that it is the best way to end such an event. A Lot of students posted videos of us and we're thankful for that. Okay naman ang lahat not until an artist posted something about the band, mostly about me, sa akin lang and a lot of people agreed to what she said.

"Don't mind her," Sky said. Nandito kami ngayon sa music room ng school, we decided to stay here cause I'm embarrassed. The school has probably watched that video of criticism already.

Fck it, I don't wanna fail this band.

"Don't think about it that much. It's normal, pinag usapan na natin to diba? We'll get through this together." Enzo said. Oo pinag usapan na namin na kakayanin namin kahit ano pa ang dumating pero ang hirap pala talaga ng ganito.

I've been doubting myself so what that artist posted affects the hell out of me.

"We can't please everyone, that's what you kept on reminding us. Never forget that Allison." Ethan said before hugging me.

Ethan has been hugging me on different situation and I am not complaining. Kailangan ko to, kailangan ko sila.

"Don't listen to her, we've known you the longest, we know your potential." sabi naman ni Asher. I've been hearing that from them and I always believe that, pero ngayon ang hirap paniwalaan dahil may ibang opinyon na.

I wanna be good at things I love to do. I love singing, but I doubt that I can reach people's expectations. I love to write music, but I can't find any inspiration. I used to write a lot of songs about lucas, but now, whenever I think of him, naiisip ko lang yung sitwasyon namin na dahilan ng pag iisip ko hanggang sa wala na naman akong magawa. I want to be good at something so bad, I want to be proud of myself.

Sabay kaming pumunta ni Ethan sa classroom. While walking at the corridor, nakita ko si Lucas na lumabas sa classroom at may dalang bag. Tinignan niya ko pero umiwas din agad.

Bago niya pa ko malagpasan ay tinanong ko siya.

"You're cutting classes?" I asked. I am facing his back right now.

I expected na medyo mag-iiwasan kami because we talked about it. Pero iba ang ngayon, i don't think it's still because of what we planned. Pati sa text ay ang tipid tipid na niya.

"Yes." and without looking at me, he made his way.

"Bastard." Ethan commented. Napa buntong hininga ako bago pumasok sa room. I have a lot in mind, I don't know what's happening.

Few minutes later, dumating na rin ang teacher. Lumulutang ang utak ko, feeling ko punong puno ito pero hindi ko talaga alam kung ano ang iisipin. I didn't even participate in any recitations, I just wanna go home.

Before going home, dumaan muna ako sa isang restaurant to buy food, wala akong ganang mag luto but destiny really be playing with me. Minsan ko lang maisip ang bumili dito, bat ngayon pa.

Lucas is with mica. Wala ba tong ka takot takot na mahuli? he is so careless. Parang wala siyang pake.

Imbis na mag take out ay umupo ako sa lugar malapit sa kanila. I don't think Lucas will see me here, he is too focused on the girl in front of him.

Dumating ang waiter at nag order ako. Pagkatapos ay naisipan kong itext siya, i don't even care whether I am the first to text now, nasanay na ako dahil minsan kung hindi ko gagawin, hindi kami mag uusap.

I asked him where he was because I wanna stop by his place. Nakita kong binasa niya ito pero binaba niya rin agad ang phone niya para patuloy na kausapin si mica.

I get it now. I am really nothing to him.

I am not something, but I hate that he made me feel as if I am.

He is cheating using me at ang nakakatawa ay may iba pa pala. Can you imagine what i feel? unexplainable, gusto kong sumabog.

I need someone to cry, I really need someone now.

Tumayo ako at tuloy tuloy na lumabas. I left my payment to the guard bago tuluyang umalis.

Saktong pag sakay ko ng kotse ko ay ang pag labas ng mga luha sa mga mata ko. Umiiyak ako pero wala akong maramdaman. I feel so empty with a lot of thoughts in mind. I don't know how to describe this feeling.

I can't be at ethan's place, nandon lahat sila at siguradong magagalit sila pag nakita akong ganito at hindi ko hahayaang makita nila akong ganito.

Madiin kong pinikit ang mata ko, I need Stella. Nahihiya akong tawagin siya dahil alam kong mag problema rin siyang sarili. Pero siya ang kailangan ko ngayon.

"Stella." Pambungad ko ng sagutin niya ito. I didn't stop myself from crying, I just can't.

(What happened? Why are you crying?) tanong niya.

"Where are you? I need you." pumiyok pa ako ng sabihin yon.

Narinig kong mag nag salita na lalake kaya hininaan ko ang boses ko,"Are you with someone? I'm sorry to b-"

(No, si kuya yon. I was talking to him pero pinatay na niya. I'm coming to your place now, wait for me) umiling ako kahit hindi niya ako nakikita. Pinunasan ko ang luha ko bago paandarin ang kotse ko.

"No, I'm on my way where are you?" I asked.

(Nasa bahay ako. Kaya mo ba?)

"Yes, Thank you."

I was criticized for singing easy songs, saying I am not versatile, that with the voice that I have, it will be hard for me to reach the level of success that my bandmates could achieve. Sinabi pa nga na i am an hindrance to the success that my bandmate could have, parang sinabihna na rin ako na wala dapat ako sa grupo na kabilang akong nangarap.

It hurts hearing that I am not good with what I love doing, parang sinabi na rin na wala akong patutunguhan sa pangarap na gusto ko.I am not good enough as a dreamer and what's more painful is that, as a person, I am not good enough to be loved by someone I love the most.

I don't wanna be this person. I don't wanna be this broken, but can you blame me? I was criticized and the world agreed. Then on my sight, I saw the man I am in love with, talking, laughing and looking like the happiest man alive completely ignoring me

I ain't worthy of anything I love, and that freaking hurts.