Can We Fall, One More Time?

Chapter 33: No longer be my destruction

Napa pikit nalang ako ng hindi ko na naman maabot ang kanta. It isn't this hard hitting notes before, anong nangyayari.

"Allison we can switch songs, don't force yourself." Asher said, pero umiling lang ako. Paano kapag hindi ko na ulit maabot? Paano kung ganito na lang talaga ang boses ko? Hindi ko matatanggap, heto lang ang meron ako.

I don't know how many times we tried but I always stop in the middle just because I can't reach that specific note. They kept on convincing me that it's okay but for me, it's not.

Umupo ako when i finally gave up.

Naiyak nalang ako sa inis, i didn't tell them anything but they seemed to know what i needed, they left me alone.

I just stayed at the corner, crying.

The world seems to turn it's back on me and it wasn't slow, bigla na lang isang araw, it hit me how everything is fucking me up. Bigla nalang parang wala ng sang ayon sa akin. Bakit ganito? hindi man lang inunti-unti, parang mabilis akong nauubos.

after that incident when i saw him inside the cubicle with a girl, sunod sunod na. There even come a time na ayaw ko munang pumasok dahil parang nanandya ang kapalaran.

When we were paired up for an activity, he didn't talk to me, he didn't even cooperated on that activity that we are supposed to do together. Okay lang naman sana kasi naiintindihan ko naman, but he was flirting with another girl on his phone. I hate that i see it but his messages were the same as how he used to message me, sweet and full of assurance. Parang seryoso siya sayo. Masakit not only because he really did throw everything we had at parang wala na sa kanya yon. Masakit din kasi ngayon nakikita ko na, na I wasn't the only one he was treating he did to me. Therefore, i am really just a game to him. Ngayon, naiisip ko na, na wala naman talagang totoo and that hit so hard. Yung akala kong para sa akin, parte lang pala ng laro niya.

One time I also almost entered a male's bathroom but he stopped me. He told me that I wasn't myself lately and looked at me like I am too pitiful.

Hindi niya ba alam na siya ang pinaka rason ng lahat? With that I can see that he has already broken lots of hearts and he dont care anymore about what we feel after he plays us.

Isa lang naman ang mali ko ha, at yon ang pumasok sa relasyon na hindi naman dapat. Oo nagkamali ako kasi nag mahal ako ng taong hindi ko naman dapat mahalin pero sa isang pagkakamali na yon, ilang beses winarak ang puso ko. The times I am happy don't even come close to the pain I am feeling right now because that happiness is mixed with doubt but this pain, purong puro. Yung durog kong puso, paulit ulit pang dinudurog.

My thought was cutted when someone opened the door, it's ethan and asher.

"We left you for a while, can we enter now?" I wiped my tears away before I nodded.

Pumasok sila at umupo sa tabi ko, kung iba lang sila i will feel ashamed pero sila to e, i can look whatever and they wouldn't care.

"What are you thinking?" Asher asked. Nakatingin lang silang dalawa sa akin. I stared at Asher's eyes, sa sobrang dami wala akong masabi.

"A lot?" I was shocked when he said that, paano niya nalaman?

He smiled at me before he let my head rest on his shoulder, "I understand that what happened just now is adding to everything that you are thinking but Allison, okay lang yan. Don't stress yourself too much."

And the whole time they convinced me why it was okay. Sabi nila dahil lang daw madalas akong puyat, madalas ang pagod at naba kante. We didn't practice for a while because they waited for me, they didn't pressure me.

"Don't be too hard on yourself, pati kami nasasaktan." Ethan said and there, realization hits. I am affecting them too.

When everyone entered the room, nakita ko lahat sila. Para akong nagising sa pagka tulog. Parang ngayon lang luminaw ang lahat ulit.

Seeing them right now kung kailan bukas na ulit ang utak ko has help me made my mind...

i will stand tall again. Hindi lang para sa akin, para rin sa kanila because they waited for me... because they still believe in me...

So I want to do something,

and that is to use the pain as an instrument to be better, as an instrument to do what i want best and as an instrument to everything that will benefit me rather than let it pull me, causing me to break apart over and over like a fragile glass.

The pain will no longer be my destruction.