Can We Fall, One More Time?

Chapter 82:Rooted Grudges

Sumama ako kay kuya ng sinabi niyang may pupuntahan siya. He has been planning to put Lucas in jail, that won't be hard, hindi ko alam pero kahit na galit na galit ako ay hindi ko magawang payagan yon, having him out of my life is enough, basta wag na siyang magpakita sa akin, okay na at ayaw ni Kuya yon. I am so afraid of what he can do kaya kahit na wala pa rin akong lakas para kumilos, sumasama parin ako sa bawat lakad niya.

"Mapapatay ko tong lalakeng to!" Nagulat ako ng sabihin yon ni kuya. He kept on looking behind kaya di ko mapigilang tumingin din. What the fuck.

"Just don't mind him," Pag kukumbinsi ko pero kitang kita ko ang galit sa mga mata niya. Sobrang higpit din ng kapit niya sa manuebela.

"With what he did to you, that's not possible Allison," it's not direct but it made me stop, naramdaman ko ang panginginig ng katawan ko. I tried my best to ignore it but it didn't work. I started crying again without my intention. That was a nightmare that kept on visiting me every time of the day.

Kuya held my hand when he noticed me." I'm sorry,"He said.

Umiling ako. " I'm okay." But clearly it's not, and I am not.

Biglang itinigil ni kuya ang sasakyan. "I'm sorry Allison but it's impossible to ignore him when he is around. Stay here,"

Bumaba si kuya, agad naman akong sumunod. I immediately went in between them para matigil ang kung ano ang pwedeng mangyari.

"Kuya stop, please." Pangungusap ko. He looks me in the eye, I know that what happened to me breaks his heart too and standing in front of him now breaks it even more but I don't want him to be involved, I don't want him to suffer too. Hindi ko naiintindihan ang nararamdaman niya at maaaring mali din ako pero ang magpa patahimik lang sa akin ngayon ay ang tuluyang pagkawala niya sa buhay ko. Mahal ko pa siya and putting him in jail will only make my conscience visit me every now and then, hindi ko na kayang dagdagan pa ang ang bangungot na parati naman ng dumadalaw sa akin. When hatred and love mixed, this is where it leads, no one might understand me but I know what can put me at peace. Iba't iba ang proseso natin at ito ang sa akin.

"Umalis ka dyan allison," Utos niya sa akin. He is trying to be calm pero ramdam ko ang galit niya. Masama ang tingin niya kay lucas. Galit ako pero natatakot ako sa pwedeng mangyari. My brother grew up exactly like my father, i know what they are capable of doing when mad.

"Are you leaving now?" hindi ko napigilang mapatingin kay lucas ng tanungin niya yon.

"If I say yes you're gonna harass me again because I am only yours, right?"

Naramdaman ko ang kamay na humawak sa mga braso ko, like a deja vu, fear started creeping on my body.

Agad akong nag pumiglas. "Bitawan mo ako!" I am trying to remove the hands on my shoulder only to find out that it's my brother.

Nakita ko ang gulat sa mga mata ni Lucas ng makita ang reaksyon ko.

"I am so sorry allison. I'm so sorry," paulit ulit ba sabi niya.

"Let me handle him," sabi ni kuya but I shook my head.

"If you think I am going easy on you because I stopped my brother from killing you then you are wrong. I did that because I don't want my brother or any of my friends to become a criminal just because of a piece of shit like you. I hate you more than anything in this world so don't ever think of showing your face in front of me again!" I look at his eyes to show him how furious I am.

Ayaw ko na siyang makita dahil sa tuwing nakikita ko siya hindi na lang sakit ang naaalala ko, pati ang pangyayaring iyon ay hindi mawala wala sa utak ko, kinamumuhian ko siya.

"Hayop ka lucas, alam mo ba yon?!" Nanginginig ang boses ko, pati na ang buong katawan ko, galit na galit ako at hindi ko alam kung paano ilalabas lahat ito.

I pushed him but he didn't move. Paulit ulit ko siyang sinuntok, wala siyang ginawa. My punches are probably nothing to him but i am giving my all to show him how mad i am.

He didn't stop me, he didn't move. Hinayaan niya lang ako.

"Binigay ko naman lahat sayo, minahal naman kita ha? Diba lumaban naman ako? Sana nung ayaw ko na hinayaan mo na ako kasi ikaw rin naman ang rason kung bakit ako umayaw. Sana tinapos mo na dun palang ang pagdurusa ko. Niloko mo ako, pinaglaruan mo ako, Lucas bat ba gustong gusto mo akong sinasaktan ng ganito? This is not love if you think it is, sinisira mo ako, dinudurog mo ako!"

And just like that, both of us are crying again.

"I'm not gonna ask you to accept me once more or to not leave me but what can I do to be forgiven? Allison gagawin ko lahat mapatawad mo lang ako. I'll put myself in jail because that is what I deserve but please tell me there is still room for forgiveness? Kahit ano gagawin ko Allison, maghihintay ako Allison no matter how long it takes, basta mapatawad mo lang ako."

"You know what lucas? You are the most cruel person i've even met. Pinakain mo ako ng kasinungalingan because you wanted to be happy in the relationship, with those lies you continued the relationship but do you know what? every laugh, every good time, that became the way to put me in hell. Gamit ang mga kasinungalingan na yon na ginusto mong maging daan para sa kasiyahan, pinag durusa mo ako lucas. You gave me white lies and now I am in hell." I am breaking him but he is putting me in grave, may luha man sa mga mata niya, matagal na niya akong nilunod sa mga luhang siya ang dahilan kung bakit rumagasa.

I look away, nag umpisa na akong naglakad pabalik sa sasakyan. Ngayon, wala sa kaya niyang gawin ang kayang magbibigay ng kapatawaran. I can't say i'll forgive him because obviously i can't.

"Please alli-" nakita ko na sinuntok siya ni kuya dahilan para matumba siya. He still has band aids all over his face but it seems like he needs more.

"Don't ever go near my sister ever again and you're right. Put yourself in jail, don't make us do the work for you!"

I look at him once again. "How does it feel to beg for something but left unheard?"

He didn't stand up. Nasa sahig lang siya na akala mo ay wasak na wasak. "I'm so sorry, sana mapatawad mo ako Allison..."

"If you want it so bad then die! Gusto ko lang ay mabura ka sa buhay ko Lucas and I think your death is the best way to get rid of you, the pain and everything that cause my misery!" Pagkatapos non ay sumakay na ako sa sasakyan.

Hindi na naman tumigil ang mga luha sa mga mata ko sa pag tulo. The wounds inside me are so big, it won't just stop bleeding.

What's sick is that even after all that i've said, feeling ko ay kulang pa rin. Hindi pa rin ako kuntento sa mga sinabi ko, I feel like i could have said what i said sharper... more painful. Yung masasaktan siya ng sobra, yung masisira din siya. Hurting him is what I want to do now, that is how I despise him and the fact that I still love him is what I despise myself for. Ganito ang epekto sa akin ni Lucas kaya ayaw ko na sa lahat ng may konekta sa kanya. He can get away with everything he did to me, basta mawala na siya ng tuluyan sa buhay ko.