Can We Fall, One More Time?

Chapter 14: Mahal Kita

"I think I fucked up." Lucas said,

He says that not to update her about what's happening to them, which is what Chloe expected but to get an idea on what he is supposed to do now.

If there is someone who knows her better, kapwa babae niya yon diba?

"Paano mo naman nasabi?" She asked.

"She's been so cold, a little distance. Chloe never siyang naging ganito" He answered.

There's a hint of pain on his voice but she chose to ignore that.

"You need to keep up your game. Make her feel as if you are interested in putting your relationship on another level. Make her feel as if, may nararamdaman ka na sa kanya. If you don't want to fail on this, keep up your game."

I can't believe how long I survived this set up. Everyday I feel like giving up. Pagod na ko, pagod na pagod na ako. When he is not around, all I think about is how will I stop this pero kapag kasama ko na siya, nawawala lahat ng plano ko. Kapag nakikita ko siya, nagbabago ang takbo ng utak ko. Kapag nandyan siya ayaw kong maputol ang kung anong meron kami.

I carry the pain everyday and it is heavier now. If only we're on the same boat maybe it's easier but no, we're not. Hindi niya alam na mahal ko siya, ang alam niya lang ay suma sakay ako sa ideya kung saan masaya siya. Walang normal na gagawin ang ginagawa ko.

"Are you okay?" tinignan ko lang siya. He is so vocal about everything that he notices about me, I just kept on making stories to make it seem like he did nothing when he did.

Pero hindi lang naman niya kasalanan, kasalanan ko din.

Kanina ng maligo siya I heard him talking to Chloe. Alam kong wala akong karapatan na magalit. I am not mad, I am hurt. Dati lagi ko lang tinatago na pati sarili ko napapaniwala ko na na hindi masakit pero ngayon, I just let it hurt. Wala naman akong magagawa. I deserve what I tolerate.

"Don't mind me." I said. Binuksan ko ang laptop sa harapan ko. Sky just posted a video of us on YouTube and he said it received a lot of comments, I just wanna check it.

Umupo siya sa harapan ko at tinignan lang ako. Nasanay na ako sa mga titig niya, he randomly do this. Kahit pa sabihin kung tumigil siya ay hindi niya ginawa kaya hinayaan ko na lang.

"What are we?" nagulat ako sa tanong niya. I didn't expect him to ask that question all of a sudden.

"Hindi ba dapat ako ang mag tanong niyan?" I am aware of how my expression changed but I didn't mind hiding it.

"It's a question that requires both of us to answer.'' Unlike me, he is calm. Parang normal lang sa kanya to. I don't even know if he is interested to know my answer.

Sabi nila wag gagawa ng desisyon kapag wala ka sa normal mong emosyon but it has been so hard. Kung hindi ngayon, hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa.

"That night when you're drunk, you said I am a friend…" tinignan ko ang reaksyon niya but i got nothing, naghihintay lang siya na ituloy ko, "you said we're friends with benefit." umiwas siya ng tingin. Minute has passed, binalot kami ng katahimikan, nag hihintayin na may mag salita. "I under-"

"I respect you so much. I hope you know that. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko nasabi yon but allison i'm sure i don't mean it the way you think." pag puputol niya sa sasabihin ko. Ngumiti siya and it somehow calm me. Sa ngiti niya parang biglang gumaan ng kaunti. "I love it when you are near me. I love it when I know that you are around, sobrang sarap sa pakiramdam kapag nararamdaman kita and maybe that is the reason why i just can't let you go."

"You're cheating."

"I know." he said casually. "Since the day I held your hand I know right there that I am starting to do what I shouldn't but I just can't stop myself." napa pikit ako. This is so wrong but why am I so happy? Kinakabahan ako. "I know I am too selfish to say this but I like you. Tangina hindi ko rin alam kung anong gusto ko na mangyari. I like you so much that it will kill me not being able to say this to you now."

Anong gagawin ko? Should I confess? Should I tell him how much I love him. How will I start? Hindi ko alam.

"Please talk." nakagat ko ang labi ko.

"Mahal kita Lucas." sa daming pweding unang lumabas sa bibig ko, hindi ako makapaniwala na yun pa ang nauna. Kung kanina ay na titignan ko siya sa mata ay ngayon otomatiko ng bumaba ang tingin ko sa laptop sa harapan ko. Kung kanina ay gusto kong makita ang bawat reaksyon niya, ngayon ay hiyang hiya na ko sa pwedeng maging reaksyon niya.

"Mahal? Are you sure it's love? Hindi lang gusto? Mahal talaga?"

Pwedi kong sabihin na nagkamali lang ako ng ginamit na salita pero hindi ko na ginawa. Gusto kong magpaka totoo. Sikreto na ang lahat samin, kahit ito lang nararamdaman ko ang ma labas ko.

"I don't know when is the exact time I fell for you pero matagal na kitang mahal. I don't have any intention of telling you kasi okay na ko sa nararamdaman ko sayo. We're close, what's more to ask right? I don't wanna ruin what we have just because of the feelings I have. But things happened, napunta pa tayo sa ganitong sitwasyon." I stopped right there.

Andami ko pang gustong sabihin. Gusto kong sabihin kung gaano kasakit, Kung paano ko tinago ang nararamdaman ko at kung paano ako nag tiis sa lahat lahat. Sa oras na sinabi ko ang lahat, alam kong mas lalo pa akong mahuhulog. I don't even know if I can rise after this. I know there are people who can relate to me. People who are ready to face everything for the person they love.

This language is too foreign to me. I never really understand love but here I am speaking. Ni hindi ko maisip lahat ng sinasabi ko. Is it normal for this feeling to be unfamiliar? Can someone explain this whole thing?