Can We Fall, One More Time?

Chapter 83: Granted

After that day, lucas never showed up again. Nanibago ako but that's for the best. Sa tuwing nakikita ko siya, nakakaramdam ako ng galit na hindi ko alam na pwede ko pa lang maramdaman.

Nagagalit ako pero sa kabila non i can't find the strength to do what i should be doing. Kuya wants to see him suffer in jail, kahit na sinabi ni lucas na gagawin niya, kuya wants to make sure na mangyari yun pero hindi ko kaya, ni ayaw ko ng harapin siya. Everytime we have confrontation, i feel my broken pieces, breaking again. Yung akala kong todong sakit na, may mas sasakit pa pala.

The days gets unbearable too. Sometimes kahit anong oras pa yan, I find myself crying out of nowhere. It is as if I am a whole wound that keeps on bleeding. Madalas din akong inaatake ng panic attack. Sa sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko i started relying to sleeping pills because nights became harder too, may mga gabi pa na nasasaktan ko na rin ang sarili ko. The unbearable pain inside would make you want to hurt yourself, hihilingin mo kasi na sana mas maramdaman mo nalang yung sakit ng tunay na sugat. And you know what's crazy? It's effective, it gives me satisfaction whenever I can feel more pain physically but one night kuya caught me.

I am in no way thinking of killing myself whenever I am hurting myself but to be honest it crossed my mind because that is the only way I could escape from all of this. Mahirap ipaintindi, basta sobrang sakit na parang nababaliw ka na at hindi mo na kayang bumangon.

That night kuya cried with me,

He told me that he was sorry for not being there for me when he promised he would. Kagaya ko, our parents aren't there to guide him as well. Nakita niya na ginagawa ko ang gusto ko unlike him who follows what our parents wants him to. Matalino ako, that's what he believes pero hindi niya daw naisip na mangyayari sa akin to.

He was sorry for knowing how hard it is to make decisions on his own but still let me experience the same thing he did.

I didn't say anything but I feel like I was able to share how hard it is for me. After that he took me to a psychologist and I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

It was all over the news that I am leaving today. That was planned to avoid the reporters that have been reaching out to Serenity asking about the future of the band and also the issue that I am in. It has been two months, hindi pa rin humuhupa. I'm still receiving messages that I refuse to read. Baka kasi sa mismong araw ng pag alis ko ay dumugin ako.

"Puno daw ng reporter sa airport," Enzo said.

I was not that big of a deal before the issue blew up. Now they seem to want me on their platform, pag uusapan nga naman.

Sabay sabay kaming napatingin sa tv ng may flash news papunta sa airport. There was an accident.

An accident happened at 10:30 in the morning today Near the Ninoy Aquino international airport.

The person inside the car was recognized and known as Lucas Evangelista who was rushed to the hospital. No one was involved but the patient is in a critical condition right now.

The doctor said he overdosed on drugs and that is the suspected reason for the accident.

The police are still investigating.

Hindi ko na narinig ang mga sumunod na sinabi, parang tumigil ang mundo ko.

Wala kanino man sa amin ang nag salita.

I didn't say anything, tumayo ako sa kinauupuan ko bago tumakbo pataas.

My eyes landed on the jewelry case that I am yet to throw. Inside that is the gift I got from lucas. Suddenly, memories flashes before my eyes and it reminds me of how it felt when we were still so happy.