Can We Fall, One More Time?

Chapter 78: Falling Deeper

Nagising ako sa paulit ulit na pag tunog ng cellphone ko. I just wanna be alone, I don't wanna communicate with anyone but when I saw who is calling, agad akog napatayo. Why would my father call?

"Dad?"

(anak...) nagulat ako sa sinabi ng ama ko. He never call me like this, not even this soft. Hindi ako nakapag salita dahil don. (It's final, you're going with your brother.)

After that he hung up. Natulala ako don. I don't know what to feel.

Nag ring ulit ang phone ko and now it's our manager.

I answered the call...

And after that, everything fell not into place but on the ground causing everything to break. I ruined everything, not only me but even the people who are precious to me. I ruined their dreams, I failed my parents. What I am so afraid of happening, happened...

Yesterday night, pictures were leaked. Hindi lang ito mga bago, maging ang dati ay meron. I guess people were just waiting for the timing, they were prepared to give me my downfall. Walang video ang lumabas but the pictures are enough for people to throw hate at me.

I am the third party, the intruder, that is my reality.

My brother went home, hindi siya nag tanong. He never leaves my side and I am so glad for that because he is the only one I have at this moment, ayaw kong makipagkita kung kanino. Not that i am hiding, wala lang akong mukhang ihaharap.

"Ayaw mo ba siyang makausap? He doesn't look well," My brother said as we entered the mansion. Na Kasunod na naman siya samin, palagi siyang ganito. Nakita kong pinark niya ang sasakyan niya sa harapan bago bumaba and now he is just standing on the side.

"Let him be. Magsasawa din yan." Sabi ko.

Bababa na sana ako sa kotse ng bigla siyang magsalita. "He loves you," I don't know how to react with what he said, I wanna laugh but for sure sinasabi niya lang yon dahil hindi niya alam ang kabuuan ng nangyari.

"I don't even know if that guy is capable of loving but I strongly believe he don't." I said before I got out of the car.

Pati ang kuya ko napaniwala niya, well played lucas.

The days just went by, I have people reaching out especially my friend but I am not ready yet. Pinatay ko na rin lahat ng pwedi nilang pag tawagan. I don't even know where my phone is right now, that device is just so small but it can impact a lot. That small phone was able to get all the hatred there is in the world to throw on me.

Ang tanging nakausap ko lang ay ang manager ko, I am ready to leave the group for their growth, i don't wanna pull them down anymore.

I remember what people say about me and realize that after all it's true, I am their downfall. I don't wanna destroy them anymore, I can't ruin their potential.

Sa mga nagdaan na araw, gabi gabi kong nakikita si lucas sa labas. To be honest, it's hard seeing him dahil alam ko naman na may nararamdaman pa rin ako pero nasanay na rin akong balewalain ang nararamdaman ko. That is where I am pro at, disregarding my feelings.

I kept on fighting and fighting and now I realized that whenever I fight, I fight to be taken for granted, to be in constant pain, to be in constant disappointment. The more I fight, the more I fall, both in love and destruction. It isn't healthy, it's not something that I should strive for so now that I know better I am fighting again, probably the hardest but surely the best... I started fighting to finally cut him out of my life and free myself from his world.

It's graduation day

Kasama ni kuya ay pumunta ako sa venue. I still don't have the face to talk to my friends hindi dahil natatakot ako pero alam ko kasi na hindi sila magagalit bagkos ay tatanungin lang nila kung okay lang ako and i don't want that. I want them to get mad but knowing them, they won't.

But I know I have to face them, I have to talk to them because if it is not now, baka malipasan na ng panahon. I need to say sorry now that it is still fresh because it is when it is needed the most, not when time passed by and they learned to just let it be.

Hindi ako bumaba ng sasakyan hanggang hindi nag sisimula. I am seeing students conversing with each other, something that I cannot do.

Apart from what's in the social media, I am no longer one of those who are in the highest honor.

"I failed mom and dad," I said out of nowhere.

Nakita ko na tumingin sa akin si kuya, I failed him too.

"You did your best, that's what matters most," I plastered a bitter smile as I shook my head.

"I didn't, I fell in love."

I know I am making love sounds like a mistake but that is how it is to me now. Everything about love seems to be wrong.

Now I am sitting with students. Ni hindi ako makagalaw sa kinauupuan ko, i feel like everyone are looking at me. Panigurado alam na nilang lahat and i'm sure that everything they see me, all they remember is what i am.

I am not the perfect student they know, I am very far from that.

When my name is called, hindi ko mapigilang mahiya. My achievement from junior high was mentioned, sa sobrang daming sinabi sa bawat year parang gusto ko nalang na tumigil sila. There was no achievement to say for my last year as a high school student apart from with honor. I didn't even make it as a representative to the debate competition that I used to join each year.

Nakangiting sinuotan ako ni kuya ng medalya, ni hindi ako makatingin sa mga mata niya.

"I'm so proud of you." and i know that is just something to comfort me.

I am not proud of myself.

The graduation ended, just when I was about to look at my friends, someone appeared in my sight.

With him is a flower and a paper bag. He is smiling but everything about him shouts that he isn't well.

His eyes are red, ang haba din ng buhok niya, he looks like a mess. Probably it's because I always ignore his presence that I realized just now that he lost so much weight.

"Happy graduation, I am so proud of you."

Pansin ko na nakuha na namin ang atensyon ng mga estudyante. Ang iniisip siguro nila ay ang kapal ng mukha ko, ng mukha namin para sa ganito. They don't know what happened that day.

Umiwas ako ng tingin at nag umpisang mag lakad but again, he blocked my way.

"Just please accept this," Nangungusap ang mga mata niya pero wala akong ginawa.

Iniiwasan ko siya pero mapilit pa rin siya kaya hinila ko sa kanya ang bulaklak. Just when he was about to say something, binitawan ko ito sa sahig.

"I don't wanna ruin your name too so please just stop." Mahinang sabi ko sa kanya.

Nakita ko kung paano siya nawasak, his eyes says it all. Pero si lucas to, artistang artista, marunong umarte na maging ang mga mata ay sobrang na cocontrol niya.

Tumingin ako kay kuya, asking for help and I guess he understood because he stood in front of Lucas to block his way from following me.

I started walking away, wala na siyang nagawa ng pigilan siya ni kuya.

I was just walking, hindi ko na nga alam kung saan na ako papunta until I felt hot tears streaming down my face. I kept on shedding them hanggang sa hindi ko na mapigilan na humagulgol. Luckily in this spot there is no one so I was able to burst out all the pain and all the wounds where the thorns are still buried deep.

The sweet lies that made me fall in love have shown the edge of those lies, they are not just thick, they are very sharp too.

And sweet lies won't last forever, they are bound to get bitter, so bitter that even after how many times I spit, the aftertaste won't just go away. It is as if it found its place on my tongue.

This pain is just too much and I think even when God gives me a constant different life, I'd still be dealing with the pain that I felt in this lifetime.