Can We Fall, One More Time?

Epilogue

And I never heard anything about him...

It has been 7 years...

It was hard...

It was painful...

Sinabi ko non na siya lang ang mamahalin ko, kahit anong mangyari siya ang pupuntahan ng direksyon ko. I was ready to take every obstacles for him but what was given was too much to handle. Paano ko pa ipaglalaban kung hindi naman pala tama ang alam ko?

When everything was revealed, everything that i believed on our relationship became a white lies, kahit yung mga bagay na alam ko naman na totoo, nag duda na rin ako. That time, everything was ruined and i swear, naramdaman ko ang pag durog ng lahat sa akin. It was not only my heart that was broken, yung buong pagkatao ko durog na durog kaya saan pa ako hahanap ng lakas para lumaban, para kumapit, kung ang lahat sa akin ay pirapiraso na?

You know what hurts more? Before it happens my feelings nearly gave up pero pinag laban ko hanggang sa muli ay minahal ko siya. Parang nilaban ko lang, parang binuo ko lang ulit yung relasyon para mawasak ng tuluyan kasi nga naman ano pa ang wawasakin ng katotohanan kung wasak narin naman kami una palang?

The timing was really something, it happens when the feeling is the strongest that is why it impacted a lot.

But even after that, I am still open for forgiveness. For me it won't be hard to forgive him because I love him, even the time when I was pushing him away, alam ko sa sarili ko na mahal na mahal ko siya. Noong mga panahon na yon kaya ko pa naman magpatawad e though the betrayal will never be forgotten.

That time, hindi na ako naniniwala na minahal niya ako. Sa sobrang dami niyang tinago, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang totoo. Inisip ko lahat lahat ng ala ala trying to identify the truth from the lie but i just can't identify them because a lot of times i saw sincerity in his eyes but when i found out the truth, they were included in his lies. That is why at the end, i consider everything as a lie.

But it has been 7 years and in those 7 years, I learned and realized a lot. I was given a different perspective, kumbaga sa libro, ang dating main lead nagkaroon ng 3rd person point of view.

He loved me, he just didn't do it right. And he has his problem too, which I wasn't able to fully understand. Maybe on those problems lies the reason why he had to lie.

The reason why we broke up was not easy but I could say that it is easier to forgive because what he did after that was the hardest.

He didn't just violate my rights, he also gave me trauma that will never be forgotten and for a long time I was carrying madness within me. Gabi gabi akong binibisita ng pangyayaring yon, araw araw din akong wala sa sarili, punong puno ang utak ko, gusto ko nalang sumabog at mawala. Dumating ma sa punto na pati yung sarili ko sinisi ko sa ginawa niya because he did it before, he already harassed me back then but i didn't learn. Feeling ko I am the one who made it possible.

What he did made me feel like I have no control over the body that is actually mine.

Not until he granted my wish. When he was in between life and death sobrang natakot ako, sobrang nasaktan ako. Kulang na lang dumugo ang puso ko at tumulo ito para lang makumpirma na totoong nasasaktan na ako ng sobra sobra. I was the one who was wronged but I felt like I was the one suffering more. That time I realized that wishing him death in front of his face was too much when he was begging for forgiveness. I should have told him to go to the prison just like what he said he would do, he just wanted to hear that i am going to forgive him even if it takes a lifetime but no, i wished him death which he really did try to grant.

I loved him so much that I did him a favor. Forgiving him was the last thing i could give out of my love for him and for that to happen i needed to stop hearing anything from him, i needed to stop seeing him because every time i am reminded of him, naaalala ko rin kung paano niya ako tinrato na para bang hayop which makes it hard to forgive him.