Can We Fall, One More Time?

Chapter 45: Risking it all

This is just a normal day but why do I feel like something big has changed? Huminga muna ako ng malalim bago pumasok ng classroom and there stand Lucas.

Itinapon niya ang tingin niya sa akin and unexpectedly, he smiled. Ipinikit ko ang mata ko just to confirm if this is true and when I open my eyes, he is still where I saw him. Are we really gonna act like nothing has happened?

"Only what he deserves." Ethan reminded bago siya umupo sa upuana niya.

I smiled back at Lucas before I decided to walk towards my seat.

The class has started at kapag minamalas ka nga naman. I still don't know how to act, I still don't know how to treat what's happening but I got him as a partner again.

"I'll reserve a study room," He said pero agad ko naman siyang pinigilan. I don't think I can handle being in a one small room with him, the last time was too much, it taught me a harder way to breathe.

"Dun nalang tayo," Turo ko sa parte ng library na puno ng estudyante.

"I want to be alone with you tho," Napa tingin ako sa kanya, did I heard him right?

"What?" I asked, tumingin siya sakin at ngumiti bago umiling.

"Nothing." He said at nilagpasan ako para maka upo na.

Nabingi lang siguro ako.

Sumunod nalang din ako at umupo sa harapan niya.

I gave him a paper to do what he can but I am actually trying to do everything in case na hindi niya magawa ng maayos. Because we're with a lot of students, I feel comfortable.

"Allison," Pagta tawag niya ng pangalan ko. Tinignan ko siya at ng mag tama ang mga mata namin ay bumilis na naman ang tibok ng puso ko, something is really wrong with me huh? How can someone has so much effect on me?

"Ano yon?"

"You're gonna stop ignoring me now right? We can talk freely and we're gonna throw out what happened, we'll hang out again and everything we used to do together, right?" Nagulat ako sa tanong niya. It's not as if ignoring him was what I wanted, it was what I needed to do.

I looked around to see if anyone heard what he said, luckily, everyone was busy.

"Yes, we can be friends again,"

Para ko naring niloko ang sarili ko sa sinabi ko. That's no longer enough for my heart, hindi ko nga alam kung kaya ko pang maging kaibigan siya pero bahala na. Everything in me says that I love him but I'll give it a try, maybe we can really be friends and being his friend is better than nothing.

"Allison, that's not what I mean,"

At doon tuluyan na akong iniwan ng kaluluwa ko, umawang ang bibig ko sa narinig.

when my eyes met his, it occurred to me, this boy cannot be just a friend, I love him.

Nagulat ako ng tumayo siya at hilain ako palabas. Nabitawan ko ang papel at ballpen na hawak ko, buti ay na abot ko pa ang cellphone ko.

"Saan ba tayo pupunta, bat ka nanghihila?" Tanong ko sa kanya. Tinignan niya lang ako saglit pero agad din niyang ibinalik ang tingin niya sa harapan.

He is holding on me so tight as if at any moment kaka wala ako, pero wala naman akong balak na tanggalin ang kapit niya sa akin, if he will be asking me to hold on, kahit ako ang kumapit ay gagawin ko.

Nagulat ako ng paakyat kami sa ipinagbabawal na floor ng school, no one is allowed to go here.

"Lucas hindi tayo pwede dito," Pero hindi niya ako pinakinggan, bagkos ay tinanggal niya ang naka harang sa daan at pumasok kami sa isang kwarto. Madumi, magulo at madilim, masasabing hindi na talaga to inaakyatan.

"This is the only place where no one will see us," He said. My eyes wander around but when i look at him again, seryoso na siyang nakatingin sa akin.

"I don't wanna be your friend. Allison after everything we've done together you think I can still treat you as a friend?" I was stunned, I don't know what to say. Kahit ako naman hindi ko na kayang maging kaibigan lang siya but he is the one who ended things with us, i respect his decision pero ano ang nangyayari ngayon?

"Lucas you told me before that what we have is only a waste of time, gusto mo bang mag sayang ulit ng oras?" I asked him. Yes i want him, i won't deny. Pero ayaw kong dumating ang araw na pumasok ulit sa utak niya na nag sasayang nga lang kami ng oras tapos iiwan niya ulit ako. Ayaw ko nang maulit ang ganoong sakit, ayaw ko ng maiwan ulit.

"You love me, right?" He was asking that question pero parang sigurado na siya sa magiging sagot.

"Pero luc-"

"If you love me then why don't we try?" Napakunot ako ng noo, naririnig niya ba ang sarili niya? gulong gulo na ako. Hindi ko alam paano intindihin ang lahat. "Hindi na ba totoo yung sinabi mo non? Hindi na ba totoo na ako lang ang gusto mo at kahit anong posisyon mo sa buhay ko ay okay lang sayo? Your feelings, nawala na ba agad?"

Para akong sasabog sa lahat ng mga tanong niya. Now he is questioning my love for him? Well, he doesn't know what I had to endure.

"Lucas, I prayed to God, pinag dasal ko na sana tanggalin niya na yung pagmamahal ko sayo kasi ang sakit sakit. Wala akong magawa kasi wala naman akong pinanghahawakan. I prayed to him kasi alam ko na kung ako lang, hindi ko kaya. Ganun kita kamahal, na kung hindi ko kayang iparamdam sayo yung pag mamahal, ayaw ko nalang mag mahal kasi sobrang sakit," Napalunok ako, ang sakit ng lalamunan ko at alam ko kung bakit pero pinigilan ko. "Sabi nila unti unti, I just need to be strong, I believe on that kasi wala naman akong magagawa diba? Sa kagustuhan kong magpatuloy hindi ko na rin maintindihan ang sarili ko. Dumating yung araw na akala ko kaya ko na pero bakit ganito ako ngayon? I freaking cried every night tapos sa tuwing umaga ramdam ko ang sakit. Diba dapat hindi na ako ganito ngayon? Diba dapat may takot na ako na mapalapit sayo kasi masasaktan lang ako? Iniwan mo ako e, pero bakit ramdam ko na handa na naman ako? Why am i fucking ready risk everything for you when i am not even sure if you want me to?" Pinigilan kong umiyak pero ang boses ko na mismo ang naglalaglag sa akin dahil sa pag piyok ko.

He held both of my shoulders. "Risk everything then. Allison hindi pa rin ako sigurado sa nararamdaman ko, the only thing i am sure about is that with you, i am sane, i am me. Be with me again, make me realize, make me understand this feeling unknown. I'm willing to regret in the future if it means I'll understand the feeling you've been making me feel," Ano ang hindi niya maintindihan? Is it worth the risk? Is it worth regretting?

Naramdaman ko ang pagtulo ng mga luha sa mata ko. This is so wrong but i am so happy.

"Susubukan ko kahit hindi ako sigurado kung kakayanin ko ba ang sakit. susubukan ko hanggang sa masagad na ako, kapag naman siguro nangyari yon, kapag binigay ko na ang lahat, mabibigyan mo na ako ng posisyon sa puso mo, diba?"

I'll get what I can, I know the world will hate me for this, pagba bayarin ko rin ito but this is what my heart wants and although I know where my heart leads me, I still want to listen, I still want to follow what it wants.

Naipikit ko nalang ang mata ko ng maramdaman ko ang labi niya sa akin. Tears kept on streaming down my face. Ang init ng puso ko, ang sasaya nito. I missed him and I am still so in love with him.

Yeah i don't wanna feel that kind of pain again but i wanna feel the satisfaction of being able to love him. Everything is wrong with me I know and I am so selfish for this pero alam ko rin sa sarili ko that I can never recover from the love I have for him.

"I thought you're done with her?" She asked. Lucas shook his head as a smile plastered on his face.

By seeing the enthusiasm on his face when life seemed to leave him a few days back, it gave her relief.

'If that's what you want, if that's what brings you back.' she thought.