Can We Fall, One More Time?

Chapter 13: Girls Are Not The Same

I seriously don't know how to deal with him now. Nasa harapan ko siya ngayon at kumakain.

"How far did we go?" napalunok ako. He's thinking about that, gusto niya bang marinig na nakuha na niya ko?

"We didn't reach that part." tumango tango lang ito. Mission failed ba? Fuck it.

"We met. I think you need to know."

Yeah, I wanted to know if they are meeting kahit masakit gusto kong malaman dahil sagot din yon sa maraming tanong na nasa utak ko. Pero ano pa bang kwenta non? What he wants from me now is clear magkita man sila o hindi, hindi na mapapalitan ang katotohanang wala naman talaga siyang balak sa akin. She's busy and I happen to be always free for him.

This boy took me to paradise. Sa mga panahon na kasama ko siya, he made me feel that it's possible, it's possible for the both of us to be together. I was so happy na kahit mali, parang tama lahat. I was full of doubt but when I am with him, nawawala lahat. But with what he said last night, he ruined it. He ruined the castle I am living in.

"You don't need to tell me that. She's your girl, I am just a friend. I don't need to be updated.'' The last word tastes bitter but that's the truth I must put on my mind.

"But thank you for being honest. That made me feel like i am really your trusted friend." tumayo ako at inayos ang pinag kainan. Pinili ko na lang iwanan ang mga plato sa hugasan. "And by the way, call me whatever but I am not giving up my virginity to anyone yet. I'm saying this if ever you are thinking that i can give you the pleasure. I'm sorry but i am not for that." ngumiti ako sa kanya bago siya iwan.

"What happened?" tanong ni Stella.

Umiling lang ako. I am too ashamed of myself. Hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kahit na sino ang posisyon ko sa buhay ni lucas. Ni hindi ko masabi ang mga pangyayari sa buhay ko. I feel like a toy right now, only I have feelings.

"is it because of Lucas?" tinungga ko ang alak na hawak ko ng marinig ang pangalan niya.

Yes, umiinom ako ngayon. The first time na uminom ako I became so happy, para akong na blangko, gusto kong mangyari ulit yon.

After all he is not yet the retired fuck boy that people thought he is huh?

"I guess it is. So anong balak mo?"

The funny thing is that, wala akong balak. Wala akong balak na umiwas, wala akong balak na tanggalin siya sa buhay ko. Whatever happens, happens.

"Tell me what to do. I really don't know what to do." naramdaman ko ang pag patak ng luha sa mga mata ko. "I thought there's no pain. Akala ko lang pala. Tinago ko yung sakit kasi masaya na ako na kasama ko siya pero ang sakit sakit pala."

What he said that night is just a plain sentence but it has been playing on my mind. It doesn't get better, parang mas lalo lang suma sakit sa bawat maalala ko ito. Parang sa simpleng mga salitang yon sinabi na niya na wala lang ako, ginagamit niya lang ako, I am just one of his girls.

"Tama na Allison. Walang patutunguhan."

Ang sakit sakit. Ang sakit ng sinabi niya dahil yon ang totoo. He has a girlfriend, at wala siyang balak na makipag hiwalay don.

Uminom lang ako hanggang sa wala na akong mainom. Hindi mawala wala lahat sa utak ko. Sabi nila kapag uminom ka, kahit isang gabi lang, makakalimutan mo lahat pero putang ina, malinaw na malinaw pa rin ang lahat.

Gusto ko lang naman makalimot.

Binuksan ko ang phone ko ng makitang umilaw ito. Bat kailangan pang sabay sabay?

It's a picture of Lucas with a girl sent by one of our classmate sa gc namin sa section.

Nag reply ako sa gc namin.

Wow Lucas.

And right after i sent it, may panibago nanaman and it is now a video of the two kissing. Nabato ko ang phone ko pagkatapos panoorin yon.

Great Lucas, fuck it.

"Ano yon?" umiling ako bago humagulgol. Everything is now in front of my face. He kept on claiming my lips while kissing every other girls.

Naalala ko lahat ng pinag sasabi niya. What a liar.

"I wonder how many girls you text? Especially now na wala sayo ang atensyon ng girlfriend mo."

"I used to do that, that's why it surprises me now." napa kunot ako ng nuo. Kumuha ako ng isa sa mga cupcake nakagagawa palang at pinatikim sa kanya.

"Masarap ba?" he nodded with my question.

"What do you mean it surprises you?" binilang ko ang mga cupcakes at ng kumpleto na ay isa isa kong nilagay sa box. I am planning to visit the orphanage later.

"I don't have any. I only have you. Mas madalas pa nga kitang kausap kesa kay Chloe e." I didn't look at him. Ano bang meron sa amin? Gusto kong malaman pero natatakot akong tanungin.

Nang may matirang isa sa mga cupcakes ay kinain ko ito. Matamis ito, tamang tama sa panlasa ng mga bata.

Lucas is just looking at me,

"You want more?" tumango siya.

Isusubo ko na sana sa kanya ang hawak ko pero itinabi niya to.

"I want the one in here." hinaplos niya ang labi ko and right there, he claimed my lips.

Naramdaman ko ang pag pasok ng kamay niya sa t-shirt ko pero pinigilan ko ito.

"No, don't." tinignan niya ko sa mga mata.

"Then just let me have this." with his both hands on my face, he kiss me again. Kinawit ko ang mga kamay ko sa leeg niya at bumaba naman ang mga kamay niya sa bewang ko.

I am always tense when it's just the two of us but now I could say, I am getting used to it. I love it when he is this close to me. I feel safe, I am happy.

Why did I even believe that I am the only one apart from his girl? The fact that he still has her, hindi na dapat ako naniniwala. He cheats on his girl, the possibility of him lying to me is higher.

"I see that you did your best, but girl you're just one of the others I refuse to take home."

Malakas na sampal ang inabot ni Lucas pagkatapos niyang sabihin yon. Smirk never left his face.

Imbis na siya ang mahiya ay ang babae pa ang tumayo at umalis.

"If girls are all the same, why does she make me feel things that others never made me feel? Why am I even hurting?"