Before Me, Him

Chapter 4

     The bar had a big dark wooden door and a small sign that stated "Sinking Ship". A funny and very hypothetical name for a bar if I can say so myself. The place where we can drown all our darkness in booze and never go back to a normal state of self.

     I didn't take Emily to be a person that enjoys bars, back in the day she preferred cute stuff and activities that would include any type of exercise but I guess things change in four years. The fact that we are both eighteen now is also part of the reason why the places we used to go have changed. I wonder if I could ever go back to how I was, to how we were. I guess not because going back to the past is not humanly possible.

     - Emily! – as we pass the open wooden doors of the bar a smooth male voice calls out her name. – Over here!

     Out of a sudden Emily runs towards a tall handsome guy ending up hugging him. He had black hair with a small funky fringe. He was wearing some ripped denim dark grey jeans and a red t-shirt that contrasted with his dark hair. As I got closer our eyes ended up meeting and that is when I saw they were a beautiful light brown reminding me of autumn and the falling of the leaves from the trees as well as the warmth of freshly baked chestnuts. It was a comfortable feeling making a nostalgic memory appear in the remnants of my old self, he looked like my brother.

     Besides him, there were two other guys: one with short light brown hair and another one with short blonde hair. The guy with the light brown hair was wearing some glasses and, even though I couldn't fully see his clothing I could understand he was wearing a light blue pole. The blonde guy was wearing a green shirt and was drinking a coffee, at least that's what I assume it was. 

     All the guys at that table were extremely handsome, I guess it's true that beautiful humans attract beautiful people. Emily blends out with them just right, they looked like a group of young teenagers shooting for a novel or something within those lines. Then there was me, with my oversized black t-shirt, a messy bun, and some regular denim jeans. Even without make-up or anything to cover their most basic flaws, they were extremely pretty. Like human dolls, flawless but at the same part lifeless. Of course, they had a life, they were in front of me but something within this group did not feel right to me. Maybe I was just being overprotective of Emily or maybe it was my natural instinct. I wonder...

     - Jacob! – Emily lets go of the black-haired guy. "So his name is Jacob," I thought as I walked towards the table. – I missed you! How did your vacations go?

     - They went well, as usual! – Jacob laughs while pushing a chair for Emily to sit. – So, who is that?

     His smile was so beautiful. Truly. My heart is not ready for this. I wasn't comfortable being there, with him. This stranger was making my heartache. I think I want to go back to the house.

     - She's June, my cousin from the main city! Remember that I told you she would be spending here a month with me and my family? – I approach and sit on a vague chair on one of the ends of the table. I was not particularly close to anyone and I think it was for the best.

     - So you're the cousin she bragged about. – Jacob focuses his light brown eyes on me and my heart feels a pinch of pain – Pleasure! I'm Jacob.

      - I'm Phillipe but you can call me Phil!– says the guy with light brown hair while placing down his book. His dark brown eyes were now crossing mine. – It's a pleasure to meet you!

     - And I'm Dean. – the blonde guy states while staring at me with his deep greenish-blue eyes – I'm glad we are now acquaintances!

     For the next five minutes, Emily started talking about what had happened at the beach with the other random and weird guys. Once again she was the main focus of attention, all the eyes on the table were on her and, as I looked around, even the other men were staring at her. I wonder how she can handle being always stared at like this. Once I return my eyes to the table I see Jacob looking straight at me. My heartache, once again. 

  I can't look at him.

   I can't stare at him. 

  It's unbearable. 

  They are too much alike. 

  I have to leave. 

  Now.

     - I'm sorry to interrupt you Emily but I really need to go. I just remembered that I brought some cakes for us and I forgot to put them in the fridge. – I say while getting up and picking up my bag – I'll meet you back in the house.

     - Sure June but are you ok? You look pale. – Emily's deep blue eyes were filled with care. She was worried about me. "Thank you" I thought.

     - I'm good kiddo. – I pet Emily on the head and send a small wave while I leave the bar.

     As I was walking alongside the beach I saw the rocks where he used to climb. They were not too far from the main path so I decided to drop by and climb them. This time Emily was not with me to stop me. This time I wasn't a kid anymore. I start climbing the big reef and then I start walking towards its end. When I reached it I sat down and started to watch the ocean disappearing into the horizon. I could swear I could taste the salty air as I would breathe in deeply.

     Some hours passed and I stayed, in the same place, for all that time as I reminded myself of my older brother. The adventurous one, the smart one, the beautiful one. The perfect child and the perfect brother. The wind had grown colder with the hours and the sea had grown quieter. The sun was starting to go to sleep, to have its rest. "Even the sun can't shine all the time, huh." I look back and I saw that the beach that was filled with people some hours ago now had only a small number of visitors that most likely I could count by hand. The beach was colder, darker, and sadder, just like my mind.

     My brother was like the sun, even on the worst day, even when someone would prevent his goals he would still shine until he got to a solution. 

William. 

That was his name.

     I miss him. I miss his touch. I miss his hugs. I miss his laugh. I miss his light brown eyes staring into mine. I miss his hand petting my head. I miss his voice saying "June!" as if he hadn't seen me in years. I miss it... I miss him and I can't ever get him back again. I will never hear him say he loves me again. I will never hear him call my name again. I will never be able to hug him tight again. I will never...

     Tears started running down my face again but this time I couldn't prevent them. This time it wasn't tears created from relief but tears from a soul aiming to receive redemption. Tears born from guilt. Tears originated by "what if's" but this time I couldn't stop them. I place my head within my knees and hug them tightly with my arms and hands.

     After five minutes my eyes run dry, not because I wasn't sad anymore or even because I didn't want to cry anymore. The truth is I spent years without crying and, nowadays, even if I cry it doesn't last long until my heart creates another lock inside to prevent my true emotions to leave. This time the lock was on due to Jacob and there it would stay. He was the origin of my tears this time, his voice, his looks, and his eyes are almost equal to my brother's and my heart wants to believe that he is my brother but my mind knows best and is trying to keep my feet on land otherwise I might float and never come back again.