Before Me, Him

Chapter 12

     - Hey.

     As I reply I see his figure. He was using a green t-shirt with a dark green pattern and some dark blue denim jeans.

     - What are you doing here? – he asks me intrigued while his eyes travel around my body until he finds the book within my hands – So you came to rent a book?

     - Yeah, I thought it would be nice. – I say while trying to find a way to handle the situation. – I haven't read it yet so...

     - That's great! Reading frees your soul. – Philip looks around. – I also came here to rent a book but I'm indecisive.

     - I see, well I hope you can find one for your tasting soon enough! – I start going down the stairs but I hadn't gone far when Philip continues the conversation on the most unpleasant topic.

     - Do you really have to run June?

     - What do you mean?

     - Well, when you are around us you always look troubled. – he points outside. – You saw them and saw me so you are trying to run from us. You are avoiding us. Why is that?

     "Stop it. Stop reading me." That's what I wanted to tell him but didn't find the strength to. I don't want to face it but I am indeed running from them. Avoiding them is the easy path, the path I'm used to taking. If they don't get close they can't hurt me and if I don't get close I can't hurt them. It's easy to understand and to cope with.

     - That's... - is the only word coming from my mouth. I was troubled, I didn't know how to reply.

     - Why is that? – when I look up Philip was closer to me and his eyes were staring deep into mine. I never noticed but his eyes without glasses were a lot deeper, kind of like a chocolate fountain that you could drown in if you weren't careful enough.

     - Because it's easier like this. – I say while laying my back on the wall. – That's all.

     - It's easier for whom? Yourself or your illusions? – Philip says while poking my forehead. – Well, either way, I won't tell them I saw you so rest assured.

     He starts walking down the stairs until he disappears from my sight.

     - I'll be back another time Lisa.

     - Alright. Have a great day! – she says.

     Afterward, I listen to the door opening and closing and the noise outside from Emily and her crew disappear as if they were never here. I feel weak so I sit on the stairs to regain my strength. "Run. Leave. Disappear." Were the words screaming in my mind. Why? Why is this group of people extremely unpleasant to be with? Why does my head hurt? Why does my heart hurt? Why? Why? I felt like crying but the tears didn't want to show themselves. They knew they couldn't leave, they were locked in the deepest corner of my aching heart and there they would prevail.

     Philip's questions were echoing in my head.

It's easier for whom? 

     It's easier for me, of course. Not having to open myself to other people, keeping myself out of reach... That is my perfect spot.

Why are you avoiding us?

     Because I can't deal with you. I can't cope with how you interact with me. I can't stand the fact that you are able to care enough to read my mind.

     I never stood up in a crowd, I was always the last girl to be picked in a group, and even if I skipped class no one would actually care. I barely cried as a kid, I thought it was a waste of time. My "friends" would tell me what they thought I wanted to hear and I would kindly return the favor. I was always alone.

     I loved my brother. I love Emily. They were the only friends that I actually had growing up, the only people I could actually trust and find a will to care for. If it weren't for them I wonder if I would be able to care for anything at all... When my brother passed away I isolated myself for a month. Didn't go to school, didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't talk with anyone. I would just stay in my room, in the dark, hanging out with my own demons. I blamed myself, my parents blamed me, everyone blamed me.

It hurt. It still hurts.

     I never created any problems. I was almost like a ghost, I was present, I was there, people saw me but they didn't notice me. I was just walking through, watching people pass me by and, if someone decided to notice me a little bit more I would disappear into the fog. That's how things are.

     I keep telling myself that things are better now, that everything is alright but the truth is that I am just deluding myself with fake hopes and dreams. My father still ignores me every day and, when he looks at me with those blaming eyes, I can feel the hatred he possesses. When he speaks I can feel the disgust he feels by my presence. When I was young I thought I shouldn't be here. I hoped I could trade places with my brother but no god or prayer can make such an egoistic request happen.

     I got colder, further away from civilization. I avoided people and they avoided me. I prevent feelings from leaving my mouth so they are all boiled up inside of me. I prevented social interactions keeping myself with the strictly necessary.

That's how I am. That's how I've always been. That's how it should be.

Am I fooling myself?

Is there something I'm missing?

     I get up and walk down the stairs. I rent the book to Lisa till the end of the month and I leave the library. Where should I go now? What should I do now?

     As I walk through the street I could see people, everywhere. People walking their dogs. People playing with their kids. People in love. People going to the beach. People socializing. People talking. The noise was loud. The cars and the dogs barking didn't help. The bicycles passing by and the sun so bright that it could blind you. The sun? Why does that sound so uncomfortable? 

Why does thinking about it is uncomfortable?

Where do I go? What do I do?

Should I run? Should I stay?

Should I scream and open a bottle that is almost overflowing?

     I feel my body burning and my head spinning. I'm home, I'm going home. I can't stay outside, there are too many voices, too many distractions, too much... everything.