Before Me, Him

Chapter 53

     According to the police they had to examine William's body so it's only now, a week after that night, that we are able to have his funeral. This was my first time leaving the house in some time and, once again, the sun was clouded, hiding from its sins. 

     Everyone from our family dropped by, to give their condolences while my mom would reply with a hurtful smile and my dad would answer with "thanks". I was looking at them but my sight was obstructed by my own feelings so I don't recall any of their faces. I do recall, however, William's body laying down on a beautiful wooden coffin holding some red roses.

     On the accident, the body itself was filled with broken bones but, somehow his face stayed intact. I guess this was the mercy from however planned this, the last chance to see my brother. I did know that the person lying there would never come back, would never be mine.

     I knew that but still, it was so painful to let him go.

It's alright June, you will be together soon enough.

     She said. That was the first time I heard her, the first time her hypnotizing voice entered my brain just to never leave again. 

Everything will be fine.

     After the burial, we went back home. My mom ordered some food but I just locked myself in my room. I stayed there for several months, in that pitch-black darkness, without a care in the world as I felt my soul drifting away from my being.

     I would either listen to William's kind voice or Her voice.

     I would either feel William's warm embrace or Her freezing soul.

     I would either see William's face or Her psychotic expression.

     They would always be there, one of them. The first time I saw her was when my mom, one time, opened the door to give me food and, as she opened the lights, I could see her, right beside her, smiling as if this was all fun and games. She was my own reflection and every time I see her my body freezes, I can't move, I can't breathe, I can't think. I can just look at it, witness it, accept it as it takes little pieces of my sanity away at each movement.

     After all those months in my house, stuck in that darkness, I left for school and, during the rest of that school year, I didn't talk to anyone. I wouldn't look at anyone. No matter where I looked I would always see them both, her and him in every single face, voice, or even corner of the school. The girls from my group were always trying to talk to me, trying to make me open up but I never cared, I never said a word. They ended up giving up on me, assuming I was a lost cause. I passed the grade with some special tests so I didn't fall behind but, the year after, I changed schools. I never saw any of them again.

     During the months I was inside my room, locked out of the world, I didn't see my dad, or even heard him speak. It was only once I left that I saw the state we were all in: my mother was extremely thin and underweight while my dad was a broken mess, drinking away all his pain. I learned that he got fired for bad work conduct while my mom was just trying her best. I attempted to talk to my dad back then but he just ignored me. 

     The days he didn't he would just look at me with such blood-thirsty eyes. Later on, I learned from my mom that he blames me for William's death. I was the last one to see him alive since I was the one who sent him off that night. My dad blames me because he thinks I should've done something more, something else, to prevent him from leaving that night. I guess that is his way of managing, to cope with everything. The family we once were, will never be the same, heck, I don't think we will ever be a family again.

     I ended up having to go to several therapists and take several medicines for depression and anxiety. Every time She would pop up in my life I would have to take my anxiety pills since, according to the doctors I was having an attack but, what they don't know is that, her appearance is not an anxiety attack, it's just a way for me to cope with things, just like my dad and his drinking. I was only able to let go of the medication some years later on when I learned to accept every single problem I had however, I never wanted to fix them, I never tried to.

     Regarding the survivors of the accident, I didn't see any of them again. Two of them, Elia and Charles survived but they transferred right away. On the other hand, Jason is neither alive nor dead. Even though the doctors treated him the best they could his brain refuses to wake up. He is in a coma, laying on his bed, most likely for the rest of his life, if you can call that life.

     I'm aware that, everyone involved in that accident is injured in a way that is untreatable with anything in this world and, I'm also aware that every family is broken without repair. This is not something time can fix, this is not something that has a cure. This sadness, anger, and despair that embraces us all currently is how we have to live, how we have to survive in this world filled with injustice and madness. 

This is how our lives were written and this is how we have to face them.

     I don't know what happened that night. I will never know because William will never come home to tell me. I will never know what was happening inside his head. I will never know what he was feeling. I will never know what his last thought was. And that is what kills me inside every day.

     As I explained the whole story to Jacob he just looked at me in silence and, whenever I would get too nervous he would pet my head softly in a reassuring way. His touch would be warm and, somehow, my body would relax with it. Once I was done he gives me a warm smile and while he sits closer to me.

     - I think I can understand you better now June. – he states has he looks into my eyes. – What happened at the amusement park, was it "her"?

     - Yes. She usually comes out when I'm stressed or anxious about something, she never leaves.

     - Well maybe I should make her leave. – he says while poking my head. I could feel the place where he was touching getting warmer and warmer.

     - You can't do that. – I say shoving his finger. When I look into his face I could literally read his expression: "We will see about that".

     My shoulders felt lighter, my heart felt softer. As Jacob got up to warm us some leftover tea my eyes would follow his figure. When did he get so close to me? When did he get so important? Why did I felt like I needed to tell him this part of me, of my past? I never felt that necessity before, then why do I feel it now?

     - June, I talked with your mom last night. – he said as he placed the warm cup on my cold hands. – You can stay in Vella if you want. Therese is fine with it as well. You don't need to go back there.

     My eyes start tearing up again as he quickly removes the cup from my hand, preventing me from getting burned if any of the liquid dripped on me. I grab his hand and place it on my cheek while he rubbed my tears away. His eyes sparkled and became shocked once a smile erupted from my lips. "I can stay." I thought to myself, feeling the big shadow surrounding my cold-blooded heart fade into the abyss.

     - Jacob... - I sob softly. – Can I ask another favor of you?

     - Of course. – he says as he approaches his face into mine. My body started to feel warmer.

     - Can you come with me to Hollum? I don't think I can do it on my own. – I say as I placed my cold hand on top of the one he had placed against my cheek.