Before Me, Him

Chapter 69

     - Autumn I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. – I stopped petting him as I started cleaning my tears with my hands. – I always find myself looking for him, no matter when or where I am. And it's infuriating because I know nothing about him, he doesn't talk to me, he doesn't tell me anything but he reminds me of you.

     My hands leave my face and return to Autumn who kept on looking at me, almost as if he was listening to every word, to every feeling that I was portraiting.

     - And it's so hard because I'm scared. I've been denying it all this time but today when they touched me I realized that it felt horrible. When I was running through the halls of the school I was looking for him, I wanted him to embrace me instead. Not them. – my voice starts cracking from all the overwhelming tears. – But I'm frightened because I don't know anything of him and I feel so exposed. I don't want to lose him like I lost my brother, I'm terrified Autumn.

     If someone were to see me right now they would most likely think I am crazy, I mean who wouldn't? I'm literally crying my heart out while confiding to a horse. As I kept on crying to bring peace to my soul Autumn neighs loudly.

     - And who might that gentleman be? – I hear someone ask from behind me.

     - It's Jacob, Robert. Now I understand what you meant that day. – right after I say these words I feel someone embracing me from behind, a warm and kind embrace. I look upwards to see Jacob staring at me with a smile from cheek to cheek. His eyes were sparkling brightly almost as if he was about to cry. – Jacob...?

     - I like classical music and rock music as well. I love animals but my favorites are dogs. My favorite place in the whole world is Paris, at least for now. When I was six I broke my arm after I fell playing basketball. – as his embrace tightened he kept telling me all the things he liked, his interests and random things about himself. I snapped and my tears started to run down even more as I sobbed loud and clear however with every single sob his arms would hold me closer to him as if he was warning me that he wouldn't let me go. Right now, I knew the meaning of these tears: relief.

     Time passed and when I finally stopped crying the sky was already captured by the moon and the stars. Jacob turns my body softly and places his hand on my cheek however I kept on looking at the floor.

     - Won't you look at me June? – he questions me with a gentle voice.

     - I've been crying for a long time. I look awful.

     - Since when do you care for things like that? – Jacob takes his hand to my chin as I follow his movements and end up looking at him. His light brown eyes were beautiful and, even in the night, they were sparkling brightly as if he was the owner of all the stars out in the galaxy. My body was hot and my cheeks were most definitely blushed from the embarrassment. – I love you... so much.

     My heart started pounding harder and faster. I really liked him. "I'm done for" I thought to myself as his face grew closer to mine. I could already feel his warm breath on my lips and my heart kept on showing its lustful desire. Autumn decides to intervene and neighs again waking me up from this situation. I was drowning in him, that's not good. I push him away softly and I look to my side. I was too embarrassed to keep looking at him, especially now that he knew everything.

     - Let's go home. – I say in a low voice as Jacob smiles and we start walking back.

     As we leave Robert's house I started to feel anxious. My head was hurting from all the tears and my eyes felt heavy. Even though I felt calmer than before I was still immersed in thoughts that were filled with unknown emotions. Luckily the night sky brimming with darkness even though the moon and stars were showing off their beauty. That's when it hit me.

     - What were you doing there? – I question Jacob as my feet stop walking. He turns back to me and chuckles.

     - I've been helping Robert after classes. Today he asked me to drop by because he wanted some help assembling a small wooden table. – Jacob approaches me and places his hand on my cheek while petting it softly. – It was a happy coincidence.

     "That makes sense." I thought to myself as I joined all the pieces together. Sadly I don't have time to visit Robert because I'm either in school or working at the bar. Part of me feels extremely relieved to know that he is not alone doing everything by himself like he used to.

     - What's on your mind? You look worried. – he asks me with a gentle voice.

     How am I supposed to answer that? There are so many things on my mind that I don't even know what to say. My heart starts racing and I feel my body getting warmed up.

     - It's just... A lot has happened today so I need to think things through.

     We started walking again without talking to each other. I had grown used to this silence however today it felt different, almost overbearing. I felt like any sound I would make would attract Jacob's attention and that scared me. I didn't want to open myself more than what I already had.

     After a while we arrive at my house and, as I open the front door, Emily runs to me. Her expression was worried and she hugged me extremely tight. I look back to see Jacob already leaving. He didn't look back and somehow my heart ached slightly.

     - What happened today? – she questions me as I focus my attention on the small figure in front of me.

     - I was in a rush so... but nothing special happened! – Emily frowns her eyebrows as she noticed that I was hiding something from her.

     - No can do! Stop hiding. What happened? – she grabs my arms and starts pushing me to her room.

     Of course, it would be extremely difficult to hide anything from Emily. Even if we spent four years apart, we still grew up together. I know when something's up and so does she. This particular relationship is almost like a double-edged sword, waiting to strike.

     I sit in her bed and after thirty minutes bugging me, I ended up explaining to Emily what had happened with Philip. I didn't tell her about Jacob, there was no need to open myself that much otherwise who knows what doors will open.

     After the shock, Emily tried to give some advice and even tried to help Philip as she incentivized our relationship however, in my mind, the only thing crystal clear, were my feelings for him.